Context-Free Theatre!
Aug. 9th, 2005 09:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
seandcYes, it's that time again, and we have another tale (or rather sort of two tales kind of tied together) from the world of Context Free Theatre!
Our story has its origins in a fanfic![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
faith_of_borg was reading (sorry, don't know what it was called), and things just snowballed from there. And stopped. And snowballed again...
Context Free Theatre presents: Matches and Burns!
Anna1 (09:16 PM) :
And poor Batman. I'm reading a fanfic, and this happened to him. :lol:
He swung blindly over another alley, losing concentration. An
athletic tumble landed with a crash into garbage cans.
The big man cursed silently, brushing debris from his cape. "Great. Now I'm taking swan dives into garbage." he strode angrily past a drunk who stared in shock.
Anna1 (09:16 PM) :
Poor guy. :lol:
Sean DC (09:16 PM) :
But he gets the best sound effects :lol:
Anna1 (09:17 PM) :
True. :lol:
Anna1 (09:18 PM) :
And just imagine what would have happened if Commissioner Gordon saw that. :D
*CRASH CLANG CLATTER*
Gordon, to himself: And here is the protector and best hope of our fair city....
Gordon: *watches Batman pick himself up and walk toward him.*
Batman: Ow. Ow....that hurt. *limps with what dignity he has left.*
Gordon: Bad day?
Batman: You have no idea.
Batman: But the drunk down the street is just happy I didn't land on him.
Gordon: So...you really want to help out?
Batman: Yes.
Gordon: Then, if you're a ninja? Try to avoid the trash cans!
Batman: Yes, Sir. I was a bit distracted.
Gordon: What could have been so important that you took a swam dive off the building and fell into a garbage can?!
Batman: Superman hit on me this morning.
Gordon: That'll do it.
Gordon: Well, you just had to pretend to be Lois that time....(hooray Gordonsnark! :D)
Batman: That's true...I think I'm going to find my favorite perch, and
just stay there the rest of the night.
Gordon: You do realize he can find you?
Batman: I created something that will disguise my heartbeat. He can't
hear me.
Gordon: By the way, where is your favorite perch?
Batman: The gargoyle statue on that building over there.
Gordon: Ah, so that was you all those times.
Batman: Yeah. Bye. *swings away. A banana peel falls off.*
Gordon: *chuckles evilly.* You heard all that?
Superman: Yes, I did. Thanks. *flies away to quietly follow.*
Sean DC (09:25 PM) :
Bwahaha! :D
Anna1 (09:25 PM) :
Yes. :D
And the poor guy can't get away from him. :lol:
Anna1 (09:27 PM) :
Later in the fanfic:
"Dick stared in surprise. "What the hell's going on? You're
practically babbling."
Batman babbling would be very scary. :lol:
Sean DC (09:27 PM) :
Perhaps with a little gentle persuasion... like having the celebrity scoop splashed across the front page of the Planet if he doesn't start paying more attention to a certain co-worker :lol:
Anna1 (09:27 PM) :
Yes. :lol:
Sean DC (09:27 PM) :
I can't picture it myself...
Anna1 (09:28 PM) :
I assume he babbles when he's more Bruce Wayne than Batman at that moment.
Sean DC (09:28 PM) :
Babbling? Or drunk? :lol:
Anna1 (09:29 PM) :
Both? :lol:
Batman: *babbles nervously for 10 minutes.*
Gordon: *Stares.* What is wrong with you?!
Batman: Sorry. Nervous. *shifts restlessly.*
Gordon: Are you Batman at the moment? Tough to tell which you are right now.
Batman: Ah, no. Not right now. Maybe later?
Second take
Gordon: Are you Batman at the moment? Tough to tell which you are right now.
Batman: No. I am... Apollo!
Gordon: God of light? *stares at his costume.* Somehow, I doubt that.
Batman: *grumble grumble even worse sport than Kirk mutter...*
Gordon: If you think you're a God, go to Arkham. Talk to Maxie Zeus. I heard he tried to escape again, by the way.
Batman: Really? What happened?
Gordon: Remember when Bane broke everyone out, and Maxie said he was free and would never return? And turned around broke his nose on a branch, and passed out until we could put him back?
Batman: Yeah?
Gordon: He did it again.
Batman: *nearly dies laughing.*
Gordon: You're scary when you laugh. Sure the Joker didn't poison you?
Batman: I'm sure. It's just...seeing that image twice in a lifetime!
*Batman laughs so much he falls into a bunch of garbage cans again* (yeah, I'm seeing another image twice in a lifetime...)
Nightwing: *shows up and sees Batman laughing.* *stares, and grabs him.*
Batman: What are you doing?!
Nightwing: You aren't possessed?! You only laugh when you're possessed!
Batman: NO! Now, let me go!
Nightwing: Sorry...
Gordon: *watches, very amused.*
Batman: That reminds me of Wonder Woman.
Gordon: How does being possessed do that?!
Batman: Well, last time we saw each other, I was possessed by Phobos, the God of Fear. Caused fear in everyone in Gotham.
Gordon: That was you? Huh. Would have expected Scarecrow. How'd you get free?
Batman: Diana talked me out of it. Not a good thing when you're suddenly not possessed--and hovering 1000 feet off the ground. Thankfully, she can fly.
Superman: She's not the only one! *swish!*
Batman: You again?! Here to try to chase me around another table?!
Gordon: Now there's an image.
Nightwing: Yes. I want to see it!
Gordon: Kid, you're good. The right amount of mischief.
Here the tale is interrupted by real life stuff... a little while later:
Anna1 (09:50 PM) :
*Reads more of the fanfic.*
Poor Batman. :D
"I just came from the JLA tower hours ago. He chased me around the table!"
Nightwing laughed. "Now there's a mental picture."
Bruce sighed, staring at his hands. "It's not funny."
Gordon: It is if you put it to the Benny Hill music :lol:
And if it was J'onn he could've been chased *through* the table :lol: - Sorry J'onn, was stuck for a bit trying to think who has similar powers to Kitty Pryde
Superman: Hmm...want me to chase you around the table again?
Batman: NO! Besides...it's more fun when J'onn is the chaser. You have to work more to get away when he's phasing everywhere.
Jim: Well, I wouldn't mind seeing it.
Nightwing: Me, too!
Tim: Me three... it might give me some ideas to keep ahead longer... oops, gotta dash! *exit*
Cass: Hi... can't talk... I mean, can't stop to talk... bye. *runs off
after him*
Batman: Have fun, kids! Wait...don't have fun! Don't! PLEASE!
Nightwing: *giggles.*
Batman: *patented Bat-glare.*
Jim: There's our Batman. Welcome back.
Nightwing: What was wrong with him?
Jim: He babbled for 10 minutes, and was nervous.
Nightwing: That would be Bruce, then.
Batman: Dick, since when have you known either me to babble?
Babs: *accidentally* nudges Dick with the chair* And what do you have to be giggling about, Grayson?
Dick: I... er... oh boy...
Dick: Well, the playboy you doesn't babble. Matches Malone is just a
freaky guy with a taste for arson, and a strange accent. Then, there's The Bat. Silent and menacing. But the guy that seems a combination of a few? He babbles!
Jim: Yeah, he really does.
Batman: Oh?
Jim: By the way....just how many personalities do you have?!
Batman: Honestly? I don't know.
Dick: There was one time where he was dressed as Batman and had the
personality of Matches Malone.
Jim: Worse than The Bat?
Dick: Much worse.
Batman: I'm standing right here!
Alfred: Hush, Master Bruce. They're talking about you, not to you...
Batman: Yes, Sir. Sorry. *mopes.*
Jim: Cute. Who is he now?
Dick: I believe that's Young Bruce. Adult who acts like a little boy.
You can tell by the moping--different classification from brooding.
Jim: You have classifications? You're as bad as him!
Alfred: We're not bad - we're precise!
Jim: Yes, precision is good, but classifications of personalities?
Insane. He's just like Bruce!
Alfred: Not quite. The Young Master will actually eat. I do not have to hold his mouth open, and force food down his throat. Nor do I have to pour tea down him, while he's kicking in protest.
Jim: There's a scary picture.
Dick: You've never had to witness it. Scarier than it sounds.
Babs: *pulls out DVD-R* Here you go dad, a copy all your own!
Jim: You scare me sometimes.
Babs: Why? All I do is tape everything they do.
Jim: *Everything*?
Babs: *evil smirk* Yep.
Batman: Check please? Superman! Save me!
Dick: Don't leave me with them!
Superman: Ah, ready for that flight now, Bruce?
Batman: Anything, just get me out of here!
Superman: I thought you'd never ask.
Nightwing: Hey, don't forget about me!
Oracle: Oh, you're not getting away quite that easily, young
feller-me-lad... in fact, you're not getting away at all!
Superman: Sorry Dick, you're on your own. Up and at them! *swish*
(is that what you think? jiminy jillikers, it is!)
Batman: So...should I be afraid?
Superman: Yep.
Batman: I...can't get away, can I?
Superman: Nope.
Batman: Right...and...you're not going to chase me around another table, are you?
Superman: *evil grin* Yep.
Batman: *silence.* *look of terror.*
Superman: So...
Batman: So...*is now Matches Malone* I'm gonna set you on fire, kiddo!
After I douse you in Kryptonite, of course!
Superman: What?! *is afraid, and sends Bruce back to Jim.*
Jim: *sees them coming back.* That was fast.
Dick: That's not Bruce...or Batman...or Young Bruce...or Bruce the
Playboy....
Jim: You can tell? Who is he then?!
Dick: Matches Malone. Hide your valuables, and lock away all flammable objects. Keep an eye on him.
Superman: So...should I be the one to hide now?
Dick: That might be a good idea. I'll let you know when he's normal.
Superman: When is he ever normal?
Dick: Good point. I'll let you know when he isn't Matches Malone, then.
Matches: Ain't gonna happen, sport. This is my body and I'm here to...
*CLONG!*
*Alfred takes another swing with the biggest platter* *CLONG!*
Matches: oooooohhh... dude, I so call brutality on you... *passes out*
Dick: Good work, Alfred.
Jim: I don't like Matches.
Dick: Nobody likes Matches. He makes The Bat seem downright sociable.
Superman: Now that's frightening. I think we could use J'onn to tell us who he is now?
Dick: Wait a few minutes. If he's still Matches when he wakes up...
Alfred: *raises the platter threateningly above Bruce's head.*
Dick: ...we always have Alfred.
Jim: I need one of those.
Dick: Sorry, sir, he's the only one we've got! *huggles Alfred*
Babs: *throws plushie at Dick* A-HEM!
Dick: *takes plushie and runs* Hah! I've got the Batgirl doll..I've got the Batgirl doll...you can't have her back! *sticks out tongue.
Alfred: *is amused.*
Jim: This is the team that saves the world on a regular basis?
Alfred: What would you rather they do for fun, sir? Ride a monster's
nostrils? (I know I've seen someone on LJ, probably scans_daily with a Colossus icon of the monster scene from AXM #7 tagged "it's what I do for fun")
Babs: *lives up to her name of Rolling Thunder and takes off after Dick* You bet I'll get her back!
Dick: I rode a monster's nostrils just last week. Not so fun.
Babs: *rolls over his feet and gets the plushie back.*
Batman: *groans*
Dick: He's waking up! Alfred, get in position!
Alfred: *holds plate above his head.*
Jim: Hey, there. Who are you?
Batman: Who do you think? I'm Batman, of course!
Jim: Lower the platter carefully, Alfred. No sudden moves, or he might hit you. Oh, and welcome back Batman.
Dick: Owchies
Babs: That's what you get for being a smartypants, Colossus :P
Batman: *stares* Why? Where did I go? And what universe did I wake up in, where Dick is suddenly Colossus?!
Jim: Heh. Well....Dick can explain everything!
Babs: *nudges Dick forward* Yep, he sure can!
Dick: Da, tovarisch...
Batman: *penetrating glare*
Dick: *babbles story out*
Batman: I was Matches Malone again? That's close to being as bad as the time I was him during a JLA meeting, isn't it?
Dick: Yeah...
Jim: *to Babs* What happened?
Babs: He got frustrated, became Matches, and kept flipping a lighter
opened and closed. He made people very nervous. Then, he got sunglasses, and just stared at them, with a creepy grin. Scary.
Jim: Yeesh. ...Wait. Sunglasses over the cowl?!
Babs: He took the cowl off, first.
Dick: Tell him the rest.
Babs: Oh, I almost forgot. Matches then got up and walked around the
table to J'onn. Flipped the lighter open, and kept it next to him for 5 minutes. J'onn freaked. (It never happened, but it should have. :D)
Dick: But with him, any grin is creepy...
Batman: Glad you think so, old son! :D
Dick: *points* See? See?!
Jim: Yeah. At least you can handle the grimness. It's the homicidal
grins that are the worst.
Batman: Yeah, that's true. Thankfully, Oracle records everything, so I got to see my performance as Matches.
Jim: And?
Batman: I was creeped out.
Superman: You were creeped out?! We were held hostage by him for 3 hours!
Superman: Flash was terrified! After what you did to him--he'll never be the same!
Batman: I know. This is why he's afraid I'll kill him during the night...
Jim: What did you do to him?
Dick: That's the best part. He used some of Batman's moves to always be one step away from him when he went to superspeed. Then, he did a freaky nerve pinch that made him unable to move. Finally, he described the ways he would die in vivid detail for 45 minutes. Wally didn't sleep for a week after that...
Jim: He do anything to Wonder Woman?
Superman: Yeah, but nobody knows what. She was in shock for a month,
though. All I know is there was a long conversation.
Batman: Oops...I convinced her I was still Phobos...I described her fears in great detail...and made her think I had the power of premonition and that she would die on Friday the 13th.
Jim: Matches is mean.
Batman: Friday the 13th was a while back, and she's fine.
Superman: You know what? If you ever stop being a good guy, you'd make a great supervillain.
Babs: Oh, Batman, I forgot, I have a message from Wonder Woman... "There's Friday the 13ths every few months, you JERK!" and she says to hit you *runs over Bruce's feet*
Batman: Ow! Send her a reply: Sorry, and it was all a lie.
Superman: *amused.*
Batman: Think I should call Wally?
Superman: Not if you want to keep him alive. He's convinced you're hiding in every corner ready to kill him.
Batman: Right...
Batman: Can't apologize to J'onn. Whenever he sees me, he backs into a corner and screams until I go away. Or maybe that was because I hid his bag of cookies...
Alfred: You inhuman monster, sir.
Batman: Wasn't me, it was Matches!
Alfred: *raised eyebrow.*
Batman: Yeah, I really liked those cookies.
Alfred: Humph!
Superman: *sarcastically* Can't wait for the next JLA meeting...J'onn
screaming in the corner, Diana being jumpy, Wally being paranoid.
Nightwing: ...Superman being sarcastic, Alfred being offended, Oracle
being a monster truck...
Oracle: Oh you are so going down, Grayson!
Nightwing: *runs away, and Oracle chases him.*
Everyone: *ignores them.*
Batman: Did I do anything to Kyle?
Superman: No...Matches was afraid of him.
Batman: Really? Why?
Superman: Remember the scary grin after Prometheus hurt him? Not even
Matches wants to deal with that kind of freakiness.
Batman: Neither did I. I still get nightmares from that grin.
Alfred: I know. *Rolls his eyes.*
Batman: How can you notice a difference? I always wake up screaming.
*from the hall* *crunch!* "AAARRRGGHH!!" "Hah!"
Alfred: Thank you, Master Richard, very nice demonstration.
Jim: *smirks.* The Batfamily may be dysfunctional, but there's never a
dull moment.
Batman: Did you notice a difference in Plastic Man?
Superman: He was all ready insane. I don't know if you did anything to him anyway.
*meanwhile, in a bucket on the moon*
Plastic Man: Hey! I'm not Odo! I'm not Odo! Let me out!
Nightwing: So...psychologically traumatize anyone else on the team?
Batman: Nope.
Superman: Hey...I haven't seen Zatanna for a while...
Batman: Reserve member. Rarely seen.
Nightwing: But maybe she lurks more often than she's seen...
Alfred: What of the Teen Titans, Sir?
Batman: You only have to worry if Tim decides to destroy them all. And Cass will keep him in line.
Meanwhile:
Tim: Hmmm... yes, destroy them all... mwahahaha *clonk!* ow!
Cass: Tiiiimm... I told you I would...
Later...
Cass: Tim possessed. Need help.
Batman: Sure bad? Errr...sorry. Are you sure it's really that bad?
Superman: *amused that Batman talked like Cass.*
Cass: Look for yourself.
Batman: *sees Tim laughing evilly and writing out plans.* You're sure? He seems normal to me.
Tim: *glowing green eyes.*
Batman: Ohh...not much of a difference in him.
Tim: Confound it, I've been discovered! *presses button marked "The Hounds"*
Batman: Heh. He's only switched bodies with an evil millionaire from
Springfield. You only need to worry when his robot Richard Simmons shows up. (I'm still surprised Rachel beat me to this one :D)
Superman: *Stares in amusement.*
Tim (in Mr. Burns' body): What's this button do? *presses button* *trap door opens. Smithers falls to his death.*
Tim: Note to self... don't... touch... anything... ooh! Super fun happy slide! No... wait. Not a normal supervillain, then. Better be more careful. No touching anything else in this place. At least, not the buttons.
Batman: *checks camera in Burns' office.*
Alfred: You have bugs there, as well, Sir?
Batman: *Quietly* Yes. Is that so bad?
Alfred: No, it is very smart. Good boy. Have a cookie, ease my pain of raising you.
Batman: You really know how to run it in, you know that, don't you?
Alfred: Yes. It's most as fun as twisting Her Majesty's English around to suit my needs.
Tim, checking "his" own cameras: Hmmm... not many actually working here...
Superman: *nearly dies laughing in the corner.*
Jim: *smirks as the guy doubles over.*
Tim: *checks another camera, sees Moe taking a shower. Is traumatized.*
No more checking cameras that aren't mine...never again!
Meanwhile, Burns (in Tim's body): Hmmm... the hounds are taking a long time to arrive. You there! Girl! Be a dear and see what's keeping my loyal hounds, will you? There's a nice shiny lollipop in it for you!
Cass: *turns with steely glint in her eye*
5 minutes later...
Burnsy: owchies... Smi...thers...
Superman, he with the super hearing: He's dead, sorry!
Tim: I'd like my body back now. The liver spots scared me when I
changed clothes....
Cass: Oh, Tim! *hugs him, and cringes.*
Tim: Yeah, I noticed the lizard-like spine, too. Took a while to
shuffle here.
Poor bodyswappers :lol:
Batman: *stares in horror.* I have found something that will actually
traumatize me.
Burns: Excuse me...it would be to your advantage if you would untie me at once! Oh, and would you mind if I kept this young man's body? It
is...interestingly young.
Tim: Don't you dare do anything to my body!
Cass: I hit you again!
Tim: My body! My beautiful body!
Burnsy: Ah ah ah! *My* body now... uh-oh...
Tim: Cass, no!
Cass: One little beating will make him...
Burnsy: All right, take it, take it! But be warned, the will of C.
Montgomery Burns is not so easily thwarted!
Batman: I'm frightened. Hold me, someone!
Superman: *comforts him.*
Alfred: *also comforts him.*
Cass: Bad man knocked out. Reverse now?
Nightwing: Please do! I want my little bro back--in his body!
Babs: Oh goody... I always wanted to play the mad scientist!
Dick: Play? ;)
Babs: *throws the Nightwing plushie* Just you wait... :P
Now... Nightwing, take that wheel there! Batgirl! Those three levers!
Alfred! Press those buttons as they light up!...
Zatanna: Or I could just say "Nibor dna Snrub hctiws rieht sniarb kcab
won!" and it'll all be back to normal... see?
Babs: Awww, but I wanted to be a mad scientist! *is comforted by Nightwing*
Tim: Owwwww.... why do I feel like I was just beaten up by a martial arts expert?
Cass: Um... you were... your body was. By me. Sorry... and hi! *glomps Tim*
Tim: Whoa, hi there! oww...
Superman: Zatanna! Hello, when did you get here?
Zatanna: I've been here all along, lurking, just like Nightwing guessed.
Nightwing: I'm not just a pretty face...
Zatanna: Yeah, I'm your stalker. *creepy grin.*
Nightwing: Cool. Wait...should I be scared?
Babs: *rolls over his feet.* You should say yes, you should be scared.
Nightwing: OW!
Cass: *Carries Tim away.*
Tim: Hey! Uh...anyone think I should protest?
Batman: For once--just go with it, Tim.
Tim: If we ever get married, you're going to carry me over the threshold aren't you?
Cass: Yep.
Tim: Thought so.
Alfred: Ah, another Batgirl and Robin together...
Jim: Although, in their case, who didn't see that coming?
Alfred: I doubt anyone this side of Coast City could've missed it, sir.
Jim: As for the first ones?
Alfred: See for yourself, sir.
*Babs is nudging Dick outwards while Zatanna laughs herself silly at
Dick's wrong answering*
Jim: Right. It's obvious there, too. If she ever stops rolling over his feet, he'll probably propose. Once his feet heal, anyway...
Alfred: At least your child will get married. Look at my little boy!
Jim: *raises eyebrow* Not so little.
Alfred: You know what I mean, though. His mission is his wife.
*from the next room, sounds are heard.*
Jim: Do I want to know?
Alfred: No, Sir. You don't. However, I wish to know what happened to Mr. Burns.
Batman: *pulls off his cowl.* Too warm in here for that. As I was about to say--he went that way, and got in the teleporter. I think his molecules have been scrambled.
The End... until next time...
Our story has its origins in a fanfic
faith_of_borg was reading (sorry, don't know what it was called), and things just snowballed from there. And stopped. And snowballed again...Context Free Theatre presents: Matches and Burns!
Anna1 (09:16 PM) :
And poor Batman. I'm reading a fanfic, and this happened to him. :lol:
He swung blindly over another alley, losing concentration. An
athletic tumble landed with a crash into garbage cans.
The big man cursed silently, brushing debris from his cape. "Great. Now I'm taking swan dives into garbage." he strode angrily past a drunk who stared in shock.
Anna1 (09:16 PM) :
Poor guy. :lol:
Sean DC (09:16 PM) :
But he gets the best sound effects :lol:
Anna1 (09:17 PM) :
True. :lol:
Anna1 (09:18 PM) :
And just imagine what would have happened if Commissioner Gordon saw that. :D
*CRASH CLANG CLATTER*
Gordon, to himself: And here is the protector and best hope of our fair city....
Gordon: *watches Batman pick himself up and walk toward him.*
Batman: Ow. Ow....that hurt. *limps with what dignity he has left.*
Gordon: Bad day?
Batman: You have no idea.
Batman: But the drunk down the street is just happy I didn't land on him.
Gordon: So...you really want to help out?
Batman: Yes.
Gordon: Then, if you're a ninja? Try to avoid the trash cans!
Batman: Yes, Sir. I was a bit distracted.
Gordon: What could have been so important that you took a swam dive off the building and fell into a garbage can?!
Batman: Superman hit on me this morning.
Gordon: That'll do it.
Gordon: Well, you just had to pretend to be Lois that time....(hooray Gordonsnark! :D)
Batman: That's true...I think I'm going to find my favorite perch, and
just stay there the rest of the night.
Gordon: You do realize he can find you?
Batman: I created something that will disguise my heartbeat. He can't
hear me.
Gordon: By the way, where is your favorite perch?
Batman: The gargoyle statue on that building over there.
Gordon: Ah, so that was you all those times.
Batman: Yeah. Bye. *swings away. A banana peel falls off.*
Gordon: *chuckles evilly.* You heard all that?
Superman: Yes, I did. Thanks. *flies away to quietly follow.*
Sean DC (09:25 PM) :
Bwahaha! :D
Anna1 (09:25 PM) :
Yes. :D
And the poor guy can't get away from him. :lol:
Anna1 (09:27 PM) :
Later in the fanfic:
"Dick stared in surprise. "What the hell's going on? You're
practically babbling."
Batman babbling would be very scary. :lol:
Sean DC (09:27 PM) :
Perhaps with a little gentle persuasion... like having the celebrity scoop splashed across the front page of the Planet if he doesn't start paying more attention to a certain co-worker :lol:
Anna1 (09:27 PM) :
Yes. :lol:
Sean DC (09:27 PM) :
I can't picture it myself...
Anna1 (09:28 PM) :
I assume he babbles when he's more Bruce Wayne than Batman at that moment.
Sean DC (09:28 PM) :
Babbling? Or drunk? :lol:
Anna1 (09:29 PM) :
Both? :lol:
Batman: *babbles nervously for 10 minutes.*
Gordon: *Stares.* What is wrong with you?!
Batman: Sorry. Nervous. *shifts restlessly.*
Gordon: Are you Batman at the moment? Tough to tell which you are right now.
Batman: Ah, no. Not right now. Maybe later?
Second take
Gordon: Are you Batman at the moment? Tough to tell which you are right now.
Batman: No. I am... Apollo!
Gordon: God of light? *stares at his costume.* Somehow, I doubt that.
Batman: *grumble grumble even worse sport than Kirk mutter...*
Gordon: If you think you're a God, go to Arkham. Talk to Maxie Zeus. I heard he tried to escape again, by the way.
Batman: Really? What happened?
Gordon: Remember when Bane broke everyone out, and Maxie said he was free and would never return? And turned around broke his nose on a branch, and passed out until we could put him back?
Batman: Yeah?
Gordon: He did it again.
Batman: *nearly dies laughing.*
Gordon: You're scary when you laugh. Sure the Joker didn't poison you?
Batman: I'm sure. It's just...seeing that image twice in a lifetime!
*Batman laughs so much he falls into a bunch of garbage cans again* (yeah, I'm seeing another image twice in a lifetime...)
Nightwing: *shows up and sees Batman laughing.* *stares, and grabs him.*
Batman: What are you doing?!
Nightwing: You aren't possessed?! You only laugh when you're possessed!
Batman: NO! Now, let me go!
Nightwing: Sorry...
Gordon: *watches, very amused.*
Batman: That reminds me of Wonder Woman.
Gordon: How does being possessed do that?!
Batman: Well, last time we saw each other, I was possessed by Phobos, the God of Fear. Caused fear in everyone in Gotham.
Gordon: That was you? Huh. Would have expected Scarecrow. How'd you get free?
Batman: Diana talked me out of it. Not a good thing when you're suddenly not possessed--and hovering 1000 feet off the ground. Thankfully, she can fly.
Superman: She's not the only one! *swish!*
Batman: You again?! Here to try to chase me around another table?!
Gordon: Now there's an image.
Nightwing: Yes. I want to see it!
Gordon: Kid, you're good. The right amount of mischief.
Here the tale is interrupted by real life stuff... a little while later:
Anna1 (09:50 PM) :
*Reads more of the fanfic.*
Poor Batman. :D
"I just came from the JLA tower hours ago. He chased me around the table!"
Nightwing laughed. "Now there's a mental picture."
Bruce sighed, staring at his hands. "It's not funny."
Gordon: It is if you put it to the Benny Hill music :lol:
And if it was J'onn he could've been chased *through* the table :lol: - Sorry J'onn, was stuck for a bit trying to think who has similar powers to Kitty Pryde
Superman: Hmm...want me to chase you around the table again?
Batman: NO! Besides...it's more fun when J'onn is the chaser. You have to work more to get away when he's phasing everywhere.
Jim: Well, I wouldn't mind seeing it.
Nightwing: Me, too!
Tim: Me three... it might give me some ideas to keep ahead longer... oops, gotta dash! *exit*
Cass: Hi... can't talk... I mean, can't stop to talk... bye. *runs off
after him*
Batman: Have fun, kids! Wait...don't have fun! Don't! PLEASE!
Nightwing: *giggles.*
Batman: *patented Bat-glare.*
Jim: There's our Batman. Welcome back.
Nightwing: What was wrong with him?
Jim: He babbled for 10 minutes, and was nervous.
Nightwing: That would be Bruce, then.
Batman: Dick, since when have you known either me to babble?
Babs: *accidentally* nudges Dick with the chair* And what do you have to be giggling about, Grayson?
Dick: I... er... oh boy...
Dick: Well, the playboy you doesn't babble. Matches Malone is just a
freaky guy with a taste for arson, and a strange accent. Then, there's The Bat. Silent and menacing. But the guy that seems a combination of a few? He babbles!
Jim: Yeah, he really does.
Batman: Oh?
Jim: By the way....just how many personalities do you have?!
Batman: Honestly? I don't know.
Dick: There was one time where he was dressed as Batman and had the
personality of Matches Malone.
Jim: Worse than The Bat?
Dick: Much worse.
Batman: I'm standing right here!
Alfred: Hush, Master Bruce. They're talking about you, not to you...
Batman: Yes, Sir. Sorry. *mopes.*
Jim: Cute. Who is he now?
Dick: I believe that's Young Bruce. Adult who acts like a little boy.
You can tell by the moping--different classification from brooding.
Jim: You have classifications? You're as bad as him!
Alfred: We're not bad - we're precise!
Jim: Yes, precision is good, but classifications of personalities?
Insane. He's just like Bruce!
Alfred: Not quite. The Young Master will actually eat. I do not have to hold his mouth open, and force food down his throat. Nor do I have to pour tea down him, while he's kicking in protest.
Jim: There's a scary picture.
Dick: You've never had to witness it. Scarier than it sounds.
Babs: *pulls out DVD-R* Here you go dad, a copy all your own!
Jim: You scare me sometimes.
Babs: Why? All I do is tape everything they do.
Jim: *Everything*?
Babs: *evil smirk* Yep.
Batman: Check please? Superman! Save me!
Dick: Don't leave me with them!
Superman: Ah, ready for that flight now, Bruce?
Batman: Anything, just get me out of here!
Superman: I thought you'd never ask.
Nightwing: Hey, don't forget about me!
Oracle: Oh, you're not getting away quite that easily, young
feller-me-lad... in fact, you're not getting away at all!
Superman: Sorry Dick, you're on your own. Up and at them! *swish*
(is that what you think? jiminy jillikers, it is!)
Batman: So...should I be afraid?
Superman: Yep.
Batman: I...can't get away, can I?
Superman: Nope.
Batman: Right...and...you're not going to chase me around another table, are you?
Superman: *evil grin* Yep.
Batman: *silence.* *look of terror.*
Superman: So...
Batman: So...*is now Matches Malone* I'm gonna set you on fire, kiddo!
After I douse you in Kryptonite, of course!
Superman: What?! *is afraid, and sends Bruce back to Jim.*
Jim: *sees them coming back.* That was fast.
Dick: That's not Bruce...or Batman...or Young Bruce...or Bruce the
Playboy....
Jim: You can tell? Who is he then?!
Dick: Matches Malone. Hide your valuables, and lock away all flammable objects. Keep an eye on him.
Superman: So...should I be the one to hide now?
Dick: That might be a good idea. I'll let you know when he's normal.
Superman: When is he ever normal?
Dick: Good point. I'll let you know when he isn't Matches Malone, then.
Matches: Ain't gonna happen, sport. This is my body and I'm here to...
*CLONG!*
*Alfred takes another swing with the biggest platter* *CLONG!*
Matches: oooooohhh... dude, I so call brutality on you... *passes out*
Dick: Good work, Alfred.
Jim: I don't like Matches.
Dick: Nobody likes Matches. He makes The Bat seem downright sociable.
Superman: Now that's frightening. I think we could use J'onn to tell us who he is now?
Dick: Wait a few minutes. If he's still Matches when he wakes up...
Alfred: *raises the platter threateningly above Bruce's head.*
Dick: ...we always have Alfred.
Jim: I need one of those.
Dick: Sorry, sir, he's the only one we've got! *huggles Alfred*
Babs: *throws plushie at Dick* A-HEM!
Dick: *takes plushie and runs* Hah! I've got the Batgirl doll..I've got the Batgirl doll...you can't have her back! *sticks out tongue.
Alfred: *is amused.*
Jim: This is the team that saves the world on a regular basis?
Alfred: What would you rather they do for fun, sir? Ride a monster's
nostrils? (I know I've seen someone on LJ, probably scans_daily with a Colossus icon of the monster scene from AXM #7 tagged "it's what I do for fun")
Babs: *lives up to her name of Rolling Thunder and takes off after Dick* You bet I'll get her back!
Dick: I rode a monster's nostrils just last week. Not so fun.
Babs: *rolls over his feet and gets the plushie back.*
Batman: *groans*
Dick: He's waking up! Alfred, get in position!
Alfred: *holds plate above his head.*
Jim: Hey, there. Who are you?
Batman: Who do you think? I'm Batman, of course!
Jim: Lower the platter carefully, Alfred. No sudden moves, or he might hit you. Oh, and welcome back Batman.
Dick: Owchies
Babs: That's what you get for being a smartypants, Colossus :P
Batman: *stares* Why? Where did I go? And what universe did I wake up in, where Dick is suddenly Colossus?!
Jim: Heh. Well....Dick can explain everything!
Babs: *nudges Dick forward* Yep, he sure can!
Dick: Da, tovarisch...
Batman: *penetrating glare*
Dick: *babbles story out*
Batman: I was Matches Malone again? That's close to being as bad as the time I was him during a JLA meeting, isn't it?
Dick: Yeah...
Jim: *to Babs* What happened?
Babs: He got frustrated, became Matches, and kept flipping a lighter
opened and closed. He made people very nervous. Then, he got sunglasses, and just stared at them, with a creepy grin. Scary.
Jim: Yeesh. ...Wait. Sunglasses over the cowl?!
Babs: He took the cowl off, first.
Dick: Tell him the rest.
Babs: Oh, I almost forgot. Matches then got up and walked around the
table to J'onn. Flipped the lighter open, and kept it next to him for 5 minutes. J'onn freaked. (It never happened, but it should have. :D)
Dick: But with him, any grin is creepy...
Batman: Glad you think so, old son! :D
Dick: *points* See? See?!
Jim: Yeah. At least you can handle the grimness. It's the homicidal
grins that are the worst.
Batman: Yeah, that's true. Thankfully, Oracle records everything, so I got to see my performance as Matches.
Jim: And?
Batman: I was creeped out.
Superman: You were creeped out?! We were held hostage by him for 3 hours!
Superman: Flash was terrified! After what you did to him--he'll never be the same!
Batman: I know. This is why he's afraid I'll kill him during the night...
Jim: What did you do to him?
Dick: That's the best part. He used some of Batman's moves to always be one step away from him when he went to superspeed. Then, he did a freaky nerve pinch that made him unable to move. Finally, he described the ways he would die in vivid detail for 45 minutes. Wally didn't sleep for a week after that...
Jim: He do anything to Wonder Woman?
Superman: Yeah, but nobody knows what. She was in shock for a month,
though. All I know is there was a long conversation.
Batman: Oops...I convinced her I was still Phobos...I described her fears in great detail...and made her think I had the power of premonition and that she would die on Friday the 13th.
Jim: Matches is mean.
Batman: Friday the 13th was a while back, and she's fine.
Superman: You know what? If you ever stop being a good guy, you'd make a great supervillain.
Babs: Oh, Batman, I forgot, I have a message from Wonder Woman... "There's Friday the 13ths every few months, you JERK!" and she says to hit you *runs over Bruce's feet*
Batman: Ow! Send her a reply: Sorry, and it was all a lie.
Superman: *amused.*
Batman: Think I should call Wally?
Superman: Not if you want to keep him alive. He's convinced you're hiding in every corner ready to kill him.
Batman: Right...
Batman: Can't apologize to J'onn. Whenever he sees me, he backs into a corner and screams until I go away. Or maybe that was because I hid his bag of cookies...
Alfred: You inhuman monster, sir.
Batman: Wasn't me, it was Matches!
Alfred: *raised eyebrow.*
Batman: Yeah, I really liked those cookies.
Alfred: Humph!
Superman: *sarcastically* Can't wait for the next JLA meeting...J'onn
screaming in the corner, Diana being jumpy, Wally being paranoid.
Nightwing: ...Superman being sarcastic, Alfred being offended, Oracle
being a monster truck...
Oracle: Oh you are so going down, Grayson!
Nightwing: *runs away, and Oracle chases him.*
Everyone: *ignores them.*
Batman: Did I do anything to Kyle?
Superman: No...Matches was afraid of him.
Batman: Really? Why?
Superman: Remember the scary grin after Prometheus hurt him? Not even
Matches wants to deal with that kind of freakiness.
Batman: Neither did I. I still get nightmares from that grin.
Alfred: I know. *Rolls his eyes.*
Batman: How can you notice a difference? I always wake up screaming.
*from the hall* *crunch!* "AAARRRGGHH!!" "Hah!"
Alfred: Thank you, Master Richard, very nice demonstration.
Jim: *smirks.* The Batfamily may be dysfunctional, but there's never a
dull moment.
Batman: Did you notice a difference in Plastic Man?
Superman: He was all ready insane. I don't know if you did anything to him anyway.
*meanwhile, in a bucket on the moon*
Plastic Man: Hey! I'm not Odo! I'm not Odo! Let me out!
Nightwing: So...psychologically traumatize anyone else on the team?
Batman: Nope.
Superman: Hey...I haven't seen Zatanna for a while...
Batman: Reserve member. Rarely seen.
Nightwing: But maybe she lurks more often than she's seen...
Alfred: What of the Teen Titans, Sir?
Batman: You only have to worry if Tim decides to destroy them all. And Cass will keep him in line.
Meanwhile:
Tim: Hmmm... yes, destroy them all... mwahahaha *clonk!* ow!
Cass: Tiiiimm... I told you I would...
Later...
Cass: Tim possessed. Need help.
Batman: Sure bad? Errr...sorry. Are you sure it's really that bad?
Superman: *amused that Batman talked like Cass.*
Cass: Look for yourself.
Batman: *sees Tim laughing evilly and writing out plans.* You're sure? He seems normal to me.
Tim: *glowing green eyes.*
Batman: Ohh...not much of a difference in him.
Tim: Confound it, I've been discovered! *presses button marked "The Hounds"*
Batman: Heh. He's only switched bodies with an evil millionaire from
Springfield. You only need to worry when his robot Richard Simmons shows up. (I'm still surprised Rachel beat me to this one :D)
Superman: *Stares in amusement.*
Tim (in Mr. Burns' body): What's this button do? *presses button* *trap door opens. Smithers falls to his death.*
Tim: Note to self... don't... touch... anything... ooh! Super fun happy slide! No... wait. Not a normal supervillain, then. Better be more careful. No touching anything else in this place. At least, not the buttons.
Batman: *checks camera in Burns' office.*
Alfred: You have bugs there, as well, Sir?
Batman: *Quietly* Yes. Is that so bad?
Alfred: No, it is very smart. Good boy. Have a cookie, ease my pain of raising you.
Batman: You really know how to run it in, you know that, don't you?
Alfred: Yes. It's most as fun as twisting Her Majesty's English around to suit my needs.
Tim, checking "his" own cameras: Hmmm... not many actually working here...
Superman: *nearly dies laughing in the corner.*
Jim: *smirks as the guy doubles over.*
Tim: *checks another camera, sees Moe taking a shower. Is traumatized.*
No more checking cameras that aren't mine...never again!
Meanwhile, Burns (in Tim's body): Hmmm... the hounds are taking a long time to arrive. You there! Girl! Be a dear and see what's keeping my loyal hounds, will you? There's a nice shiny lollipop in it for you!
Cass: *turns with steely glint in her eye*
5 minutes later...
Burnsy: owchies... Smi...thers...
Superman, he with the super hearing: He's dead, sorry!
Tim: I'd like my body back now. The liver spots scared me when I
changed clothes....
Cass: Oh, Tim! *hugs him, and cringes.*
Tim: Yeah, I noticed the lizard-like spine, too. Took a while to
shuffle here.
Poor bodyswappers :lol:
Batman: *stares in horror.* I have found something that will actually
traumatize me.
Burns: Excuse me...it would be to your advantage if you would untie me at once! Oh, and would you mind if I kept this young man's body? It
is...interestingly young.
Tim: Don't you dare do anything to my body!
Cass: I hit you again!
Tim: My body! My beautiful body!
Burnsy: Ah ah ah! *My* body now... uh-oh...
Tim: Cass, no!
Cass: One little beating will make him...
Burnsy: All right, take it, take it! But be warned, the will of C.
Montgomery Burns is not so easily thwarted!
Batman: I'm frightened. Hold me, someone!
Superman: *comforts him.*
Alfred: *also comforts him.*
Cass: Bad man knocked out. Reverse now?
Nightwing: Please do! I want my little bro back--in his body!
Babs: Oh goody... I always wanted to play the mad scientist!
Dick: Play? ;)
Babs: *throws the Nightwing plushie* Just you wait... :P
Now... Nightwing, take that wheel there! Batgirl! Those three levers!
Alfred! Press those buttons as they light up!...
Zatanna: Or I could just say "Nibor dna Snrub hctiws rieht sniarb kcab
won!" and it'll all be back to normal... see?
Babs: Awww, but I wanted to be a mad scientist! *is comforted by Nightwing*
Tim: Owwwww.... why do I feel like I was just beaten up by a martial arts expert?
Cass: Um... you were... your body was. By me. Sorry... and hi! *glomps Tim*
Tim: Whoa, hi there! oww...
Superman: Zatanna! Hello, when did you get here?
Zatanna: I've been here all along, lurking, just like Nightwing guessed.
Nightwing: I'm not just a pretty face...
Zatanna: Yeah, I'm your stalker. *creepy grin.*
Nightwing: Cool. Wait...should I be scared?
Babs: *rolls over his feet.* You should say yes, you should be scared.
Nightwing: OW!
Cass: *Carries Tim away.*
Tim: Hey! Uh...anyone think I should protest?
Batman: For once--just go with it, Tim.
Tim: If we ever get married, you're going to carry me over the threshold aren't you?
Cass: Yep.
Tim: Thought so.
Alfred: Ah, another Batgirl and Robin together...
Jim: Although, in their case, who didn't see that coming?
Alfred: I doubt anyone this side of Coast City could've missed it, sir.
Jim: As for the first ones?
Alfred: See for yourself, sir.
*Babs is nudging Dick outwards while Zatanna laughs herself silly at
Dick's wrong answering*
Jim: Right. It's obvious there, too. If she ever stops rolling over his feet, he'll probably propose. Once his feet heal, anyway...
Alfred: At least your child will get married. Look at my little boy!
Jim: *raises eyebrow* Not so little.
Alfred: You know what I mean, though. His mission is his wife.
*from the next room, sounds are heard.*
Jim: Do I want to know?
Alfred: No, Sir. You don't. However, I wish to know what happened to Mr. Burns.
Batman: *pulls off his cowl.* Too warm in here for that. As I was about to say--he went that way, and got in the teleporter. I think his molecules have been scrambled.
The End... until next time...
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Date: 2005-08-10 10:33 am (UTC)