Context Free Theatre!

[seandc]

A new class, vengeance, acceptance, and someone who can't tell when to stop testing the spoilers for Birds of Prey #85 (in other words, faith_of_borg and I are up to our old tricks!)


Context Free Theatre presents: I am Fire! I am Life! I am... a very good student, sir. With issues.

Nightwing: Can you feel it now? Good!
Babs: Keep it up. Just keep it up, and you die...
Nightwing: I'm not touching you...I'm not touching you...
Babs: BRUCE!!!!
Bruce: *reaches over and thwaps Dick*
Babs: Thanks.
Bruce: No problem.
Babs: Could you please kill him? For me?
Bruce: No, he's my son.
Babs: But you can bring him back! You're the Phoenix!
Bruce: Still can't do it, sorry.
Babs: *grumbles*
Dick: Sorry, Babs *looks contrite*
Bruce: If you hadn't apologized, I could have left you stranded in another universe. Or with Deadpool. Whichever comes first.
Dick: NO! I'll be good...

Bruce: *Thwaps Tim who is obviously considering poking Babs.* Cass? Deal with him.
Cass: *Throws him over her shoulder and runs away.*
Tim: NOT AGAIN!!!!
Cass: Yes, again!
Tim: I was just going to test...
Cass: No testing. You keep your hands to yourself!
Tim: Shan't! *tickles her in mid-run*
Cass: *Throws him.*
Tim: *Stunned, and terrified.*
Cass: *giggles, ties him up, and leaves him in the cave.*
Bruce: *appears in a swirl of flame.* Ah, young love.

Meanwhile, at Casa Forge, watching a bunch of monitors:
Wade: Oooh, my ears are burning... well, they'll fix themselves.
Forge: Here's why... a far-out variant Earth, this screen!
Dick, on screen: NO! I'll be good...
Sam Guthrie: *snicker*
Wade: HEY! Pff, boring straiter-laced-than-Nate... does Nate have laces?
Bruce: I sense we are being watched.
Wade: Quick! Turn off the monitors! Or don't--maybe it will get fun...

Tim: Bruce! A little help to get untied?
Bruce: Sorry, Tim... some things even the Bat-Phoenix is scared of... and someone who can beat Lady Shiva is one of them! *vanishes*
Cass, reappearing from the shadows: Mweh heh heh. All mine now, Tim.
Bruce: *pops back in.* Oh, maybe a tiny flame could help you?
Cass: *glares.*
Bruce: Eep. *Frees Tim and quickly vanishes.*

Weasel: Could be right - take a look at these tapes here...
*montage of punishment, chasing, and assorted wackiness*
Wade: All right! That wheelchair chick rocks! Anything else fun?
Forge: Something else fun?
Wade:.... maybe something with Kirk?
Bruce: *pops in* The only Kirk in this universe is Man-Bat.
Wade: *stares*
Bruce: *vanishes again.*
Forge: He shouldn't have been able to do that...
Teresa: Ya think?!
Wade: *scratches head* Where can I get me one of those?
Forge: You already have access to a dimension jump machine.
Teresa: And the X-Men haven't forgiven you for the last time you imitated Jean Grey... (in Cable and Deadpool #9, of course)

Meanwhile...
Alfred: Sir, what do you think you are doing? *Watches Bruce appear and disappear in flames.*
Bruce: Sorry. Just traumatizing a few criminals. And Dick. And another universe...
Alfred: Leave the other universe alone! What did they ever do to you?
Bruce: Nothing...
Alfred: By the way, has Leslie seen your new powers?
Bruce: Not yet. *evil grin and vanishes to surprise her.*
Alfred: I've created a monster.
Tim: *pats Alfred's shoulder* It'll be ok, Alf...
Alfred: Master Timothy? When did you get back?
Tim: Just now. Bruce brought me back before traumatising the other universe.
Alfred: Brought you back?
Tim: Yeah.
Alfred: Brought back as in "liberated from Miss Cassandra?"
Tim: Yea... *penny drops* Oh.
Alfred: *nods*
Tim: Bruce is in trouble, isn't he?
Alfred: *nods again*
Alfred: And you will be too, if you don't go back to Miss Cassandra. I entreat you to crawl on hands and knees if necessary.
Tim: What?! But...but...
Alfred: Go, young Sir! We do not need a battle of the ninjas in this household. Especially around my precious silverware!
Tim: Ok...*backs away slowly.*
Alfred: Quickly, lad, there's not a lot of time.
Tim: I know, but... well...
Alfred: Master Timothy, I wouldn't normally say this, but if you do not get back to Miss Cassandra now, I shall tell Miss Barbara that you've said something rather idiotic...
Tim: No! That's mean! And sneaky! And... and... you're good!
Alfred: Thank you, young sir. Have a cookie for the trip.
Tim: Thanks Alf. I'd get going except...
Alfred: Yes?
Tim: I don't know where Cass lives. I never get to see the trip there facing forward...
Alfred: There is an easy solution to that, young Sir.
Tim: What?
Alfred: Simply follow the trail of cookie crumbs that she leaves everywhere. No manners on the young lady, but that is a good thing when you must find her.
Tim: Right...
Alfred: Oh, and also? Simply follow this map to her cave. You do not actually believe my story about the crumbs?
Tim: No...of course not...
Dick, lurking in the hallway: *snicker* *thinks: Wait till I tell Babs about this!*

-5 minutes later-
Babs: *facepalm!*
Tim: Hey!
Bruce: *appears.* It is better than the time that you got beaten up by an old woman after her purse was nearly stolen. (Rachel: "For a moment, I was wondering which issue that happened in. I just remembered it was a fanfic I read. :lol:")
Tim: *Blushes*
Babs: *facepalm.*
Dick: *Laughing hysterically.*

Cass: *throws him over her shoulder.*
Tim: *sigh* I refuse to fight anymore. It's tradition to be carried away by you.
Alfred: *eyebrow raised as she runs by.* I see young Master Tim has been quite swept off his feet by Miss Cassandra lately. (Yeah, that was me...)
Bruce: Yes. I think it's becoming a tradition for him to be carried off by her.
Alfred: Exactly what Master Timothy said, Sir.
Bruce: I know. I read your mind...

Later...
Alfred: Where are you going, Master Bruce?
Bruce: Umm...a business meeting.
Alfred: You have no such meeting at your offices.
Bruce: A support group meeting...
Alfred: For superheroes?
Bruce: No...it's for, um....hosts of the Phoenix Force. We're going to see if everyone can remain sane and not destroy a universe when we're all in the same room.
Alfred: *raised eyebrow as Bruce vanishes in a swirl of flame.*

Alfred: I don't suppose anyone here expected that.
Dick: Maybe he felt things weren't surreal enough lately, and needed to keep up the strangeness factor.
Babs: I can see it now, though...
"Hi, my name's Jean, and I've been universe-destroying free for blah years..." "Hi, Jean!"
Dick and Alfred: *stare*
Dick: Babs, honey... they're in another universe, how can you know?!
Babs: Would you believe my computers are even more powerful than I thought?
Dick, Alfred: .... Yes.
Babs: Oh, ok then. Wow, that was easy. Didn't even have to mention I can feel the other me, now and then....
Dick: I'm scared. Hold me!
Alfred: Sir, I shall not hold you. Miss Barbara would attempt to cause injury to my person.
Dick: In English?
Alfred: That was English! It means I'm a dead man.
Babs: Oooh, look. The other me is killing the other you!
Alfred: Now, I feel fear as well, young sir.
Dick: Other Babs! Let the other Alfred live!
Babs: OW! Want to *not* shout in my ear, Grayson?
Dick: Then how am I meant to stop the other you?
Babs: By showing the other you what to do, of course.
Dick: Oh, ok. *looks around* Alfred, what happened to the mirror in here?
Alfred: I put it in the workroom to be re-framed, sir. I'll go and get it now. *exit*
Babs: *sigh* That's not what I meant.
Dick: Huh?
Babs: Just... just hold me, Dick.
Bruce: Just think to the other you!
Babs: When did you get back?
Bruce: I didn't. We're currently learning how to project images of ourselves with the Phoenix. I will *not* quote Leia no matter how much anyone begs!
Alfred: *raises eyebrow.*
Dick: *stares*
Rachel's image: *winks at the Batclan while making rabbit ears behind Bruce's head*
Dick: *rolls on floor laughing.*
Bruce: *eyes flash*
Dick: Don't hurt me!
Bruce: I won't hurt you. Just considering wiping her out of existance if she continues the bunny ears...probably won't work since she hasn't been born yet in her world...
Alfred: You have a strange circle of friends, Sir.
Bruce: You only just figured that out?
Rachel: I have no idea what you mean, Bruce. *picture of innocence* And you don't want to try to track down all the times I've lived in...
Bald Phoenix! (you knew he had to show up eventually ;)): Trust me, Rachel isn't exaggerating.

Dick: *blink*
Babs: THANK YOU! Finally, he's been rendered speechless!
Bruce: Not surprising. Charles here can stun anyone into silence. The horrible costume...wow...
Alfred: Sir? What is your next learning experience to be?
Bruce: How not to turn into a Dark Phoenix, and slaughter millions.
Alfred: Let us hope you pass.
Bruce: Thanks for the confidence.
Tim: *praying for help in the corner--also sending out a distress beacon.*
Bruce: Thanks a lot! Such overwhelming confidence, and after I saved you too...
Tim: Uh-oh.
Bruce, barely more than a whisper: Batgirl.
Cass: *appears*
Bruce: You let Robin get away again.
Cass: We both needed to get a drink, and then you came back here.
Bruce: You know what to do if Robin says anything... non-constructive.
Cass: Yes. Oh yes.
Charles: He's good. He's barely started Phoenixing and already he needs to utter just the barest of phrases to be understood.
Dick: Better than you know.
Babs: That isn't his Phoenix skills. That's the Bat talking now.
Charles: Not a Dark Phoenix, then?
Babs: Not yet. The Bat is scarier than The Phoenix at this point.
Bruce: *grabs a newspaper while on a break from learning powers.*The newspapers tried to come up with a new name for me. Somehow I don't think Scary Shadow-Phoenix-Batman will stick for long.
Babs: Thank goodness for that. I refuse to call you that long name. Batman is easier. Or Phoenix.
Dick, murmers: Oh, this shouldn't take long...
*everyone looks at Tim*
Tim: What? I'm not saying a word...
Cass: Awww *pouts*
Bruce: You say anything, and it's back to being tied up in the cave.
Tim: Oh, please. It's not so bad. Gives me time to learn new escape tricks.
Bruce: With Cass there to distract you?
Tim: Ummmm... Eep!
Babs: *smirks.* Looks like the other me is going wild with her powers.
Bruce: Yes, the other you is scary. I've also met another you from yet another universe. You're Green Lantern.

Bruce: Looks like it's time for the next powers class.
Tim: And that would be?
Bruce: How to eat a star without causing it to go supernova and destroy a galaxy.
Dick: You eat stars now?!
Alfred: *stunned silence.*
Tim: And how is Alf meant to cook a star?
Cass: Yay!
Bruce: He doesn't have to, it cooks itself!
Cass: *advances on Tim*
Dick: Argh! Don't tell me that's what the Phoenix does for someone's sense of humour!
Rachel: Oh no. That was just plain bad...
Cass: *picks up Tim and carries him away*
Bruce: The Phoenix provides a tiny amount of sense of humour. Not enough to help me.
*everyone watches Cass carry Tim out of the cave.*
Dick: Good luck, little bro!
Tim: Thanks! Big help you are!
Alfred: How often must you eat stars, Master Bruce?
Bruce: Only when I go evil.
Alfred: Looks like it will be a monthly occurance, then...
Dick: Discretion is the better part of valour, little bro!
Babs: And that means?
Dick: That means I know I've got to keep you happy first.
Babs: Awww, scared of the big bad Phoenix in the other universe?
Dick: No, the Oracle in this universe is scary enough...
Babs: Flatterer.
Dick: And this universe's you can definitely do more damage.
Babs: Cute. Real cute.
Dick: Hey, is Cass a Phoenix in any other worlds?
Bruce: No. And if she is, she isn't at the host support group.
Dick: That is the weirdest support group I have ever heard of...
Babs: What about the one you're a member of?
Dick: I'm not a member....
Babs: According to this computer tracker, you are. Spandex Wearers Anonoymous.
Dick: *facepalm.*

Dick: I never told you anything about that!
Babs: It's cute when you're so naive about what I can find out... especially when you start blushing like that...
Superman, arriving: You're a member too?
Dick: *facepalm.*
Bruce: *Amused*
Dick: *turns at Bruce's laughter* Who do you think gave me the idea?
Bruce: Wha... hey!
Babs: Oooh, fibs...
Supes: I didn't want to say anything about a certain megacorp providing funding... *whistles innocently*
Bruce: I will not mindwipe them...I will not mindwipe them...
Superman: *laughs*
Bruce: Are you trying to make me go evil?
Superman: No, just mess with you.
Dick: I'm surprised he hasn't put a bucket of water above the doorway.
Bruce: You know I could just dry myself off in an instant.
Alfred: Indeed, it saves a fortune in towels.
Dick: Until the next towel fight happens... what?
Alfred: *mutters* Children.
Dick: What? What did I do?
Bruce: *teleports same towels to Alfred--from a different universe.* Here you go.
Alfred: Thank you, Sir. Useful powers. Can you polish the silverware?
Bruce: Yes, I--
Alfred: Stay away from the silverware! That's my territory!
Bruce: Yes, Sir.
*other Phoenixes run away*
Bruce: Hmm...Alfred could probably keep them in line....

The next day:
Alfred: This class is to be on how to keep your dark side under control. First, let's see to the placing of utensils at the table.
Bald Phoenix: *takes the silverware.*
Alfred: NO TOUCHING THE SILVERWARE!
All the Phoenixes: *terrified* Yes, sir.
Jean: I'm going to eat the universe--every single sun!
Alfred: Come here, Miss Jean.
Jean: I am Dark Phoenix!
Alfred: And I am Alfred Pennyworth! Your point?
Jean: I will destroy you!
Alfred: SET THE TABLE!!!!
Jean: Yes, Sir. *Terrified.*

Bruce: *watching from the mansion.* Wow.
Superman: I'm afraid of him. Hold me?
Bruce: Stop that! You can chase me around the table later.
Superman: You'll just fry me.
Bruce: There is that.
Superman: I need an Alfred...
Bruce: You can't have him, he's mine.
Clark: Meanie.
Bruce: Are you a slob at home?
Clark: Sometimes?
Bruce: Beware of Alfred living with you, then. He'll get the Kryptonite if you leave your costume lying around too much...
Clark: Eep.
Bruce: You think that's bad? You should've seen what he did when I used to do that...
Clark: What?
Bruce: He'd get Catwoman to drag me away...
Babs and Dick: *laughing*
Bruce: And there was the time he tried to drive Tim insane, by convincing him there was no such thing as Batman. He put some sort of panel behind the entrance to the cave. Poor kid.
Clark: Alfred is evil.
Bruce: Only if you make him mad. Be grateful he doesn't have the powers
of the Phoenix! Although, I'm still not convinced that he isn't a meta...
Alfred: Really, Sir?
Bruce: Yes, really, Alfred. You know everything that happens at any moment....
Alfred: Indeed, Sir. I have cameras in every room of the mansion, and microphones to pick up the slightest sound.
Bruce: You did that?!
Alfred: You're not the only one good at planting bugs, Master Bruce. *smirks.*
*Alfred feels a tap at his elbow*
Babs: It's only because you're you, Alfred, that I'm not rolling over your foot now for hacking into my cameras and microphones.
Dick: *snickers*
Alfred: I... er... thank you for your consideration, Miss Barbara. And...Master Timothy was a great help with part of that.
Babs: Oh?
Alfred: Yes...but he did not know what I wanted him to hack into, Miss Barbara.
Babs: Oh, really? *thinks about rolling.*
Alfred: Would you like a cookie?
Babs: Yes, please. *Does not roll over his foot--because he's Alfred.*
Bruce, to the other Phoenixes watching from a nearby dimension: See how powerful he is? Anyone else on the planet would have their feet rolled over by now...
Superman: It's true... *holds up foot with cartoony tyre marks*

Bruce: And anyone else would have been incinerated by a powerful enemy. Instead? They're served tea, and fall in love with the guy.
*cut across to Arkham, where the inmates have made a banner reading "Hooray for Alfred!" and hung it across the front of the building*
Bruce: See?

Bruce: Huh. Looks like all the women at Arkham have feelings for Alfred. Disturbing.
Babs: Would you rather they had feelings for *you*?
Bruce: Well... I did get married to Harley Quinn in an alternate reality.
Babs: What?!
Bruce: And in another reality a few of the other inmates had feelings for that Bruce. You don't want to know...
Dick: *horrified look.*
Babs: This universe is better...
Tim: Definitely!
*Sounds are heard from another room.*
Dick: Is that...Tim?
Babs: I thought I heard Cass.
Bruce: You don't want to know...*horrified look.*
Babs: What's going on?
Bruce: Let's just say...the Robin and Batgirl curse is still going strong.
Dick: HEY!
Babs: *rolls over Bruce's feet* It's *NOT* a curse!
Dick: That's right, darling *takes Babs' hand and both leave*
Bruce: OW!
Alfred: Yes...you do not have the power to prevent her from rolling. Do not insult Miss Barbara, Master Bruce.
Tim: *from the other room.* Definitely not a curse!
Cass: Not a curse!
Bruce: You're right, old friend. That kind of power is just too scary to contemplate. So's the lack of SOUNDPROOFING in these walls.
*Sounds from another room.*
Bruce: Other than the lack of soundproofing, there's also the fact that they are thinking very loudly. *horrified look.*
Alfred: Do you wish to visit Mistress Selina, Sir?
Bruce: Yes, please! Anything to get away from those four!

Alfred: Very good, sir. *dials* Miss Selina, it's Alfred Pennyworth here.
I just thought you might like to know Master Bruce has said something
rather dim-witted... hello? Miss Selina?..." *rattles phone*
Selina: *arrives suddenly* Hello Alfred, you sounded like I should come over quickly.
Alfred: Indeed. I think Master Bruce would be very happy to be swept off his feet right about now.
Selina: Oooh, really?
Bruce: Really! Save me, Selina, you're my only hope! *wibble*
Selina: Brucey, you sure make a gal feel needed *takes Bruce's hand and starts towards the exit* Bye Alfred! Don't wait up!

Bruce: Take me away from all of this! PLEASE!!!
Selina: You big baby. What happened?
Bruce: *projects what he heard into her mind.*
Selina: No wonder you wanted to get out of there. You're a Phoenix now? Fascinating.
*drives off with him.*