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seandcYes, like the Demtel Man says, there's more! And I think the first title speaks for itself...
Context Free Theatre presents: Alfred's Evil Twin - The Musical
I just got (Gotham Knights #69) from Mile High Comics yesterday. Loved the ending--would have been better if it was Alfred and he was possessed. Worse for Bruce.
No! No more turning everyone evil or dead! *hits DC writers with Frank Miller again*
Very good idea. If Alfred were just possessed, then Bruce could just forgive him.
Unless Alfred's already gone to Africa, then he could never get in contact to reveal he was possessed....
That would be interesting. :lol:
*Phone rings*
Alfred: Hello, Master Bruce.
Bruce: Alfred? But...you're standing by the computer....
Alfred: Get out of the Batcave, Sir. It's my evil twin, Wilfred.
Bruce: But--
Alfred: Don't argue with me, Boy! I raised you!
Bruce: Yes, Sir. What about Leslie? She's evil, right?
Alfred: No, Sir. She's on a honeymoon with me. Didn't you get my letter? We left weeks ago.
Bruce: Aren't you both evil, then?
Alfred: No, sir. We left during that horrid war game, fiasco.
Bruce: So...you've been gone a year?
Alfred: Has Wilfred been there that long?
Bruce: Yes. Please don't kill me.
Alfred: How could you not realise he wasn't me?!
Bruce: But... you look exactly the same, and he talks just like you!
Cut to:
Wilfred: *sits in quarters with Mirror-Spock beard, thinking* (You know the picture from "Mirror Mirror")
Alfred: Did he tell you stories of when you were a child?
Bruce: No. But..but...he can cook!
Alfred: All Pennyworths can cook, Master Bruce!
Bruce: Oh.
Alfred: Did he try to talk you out of it whenever you isolated yourself?
Bruce: No...but he told me to do what I wanted.
Alfred: And *That* wasn't a tip-off?!
Bruce: I thought you'd just realised I was going to do what I wanted anyway, and had come to accept it.
Alfred: Think about it. Would I do something like that?
Bruce: No...
Alfred: And you're the World's Greatest Detective? I pity the world.
Bruce: It's you, all right. Who else could kill my self-esteem.
Alfred: Miss Barbara. Master Dick...
Bruce: True. And rhetorical! Can you please come back?
Alfred: Give me a few minutes, sir. I shall return with Mrs. Pennyworth, and we shall give my twin a piece of our minds!
Bruce: Mrs--?!
Alfred: I told you I married Leslie! Listen!
Bruce: Sorry. I was in denial.
Alfred: *sigh*
Alfred: Shall I take the JLA Transporter?
Bruce: Yes, please!
*Takes the transporter to Wilfred's quarters.*
Bruce: What is that noise? Alfred? Wilfred?!
*Music from Amok Time plays.*
*Bruce runs to the quarters, is joined by Batgirl and Robin. They burst in*
Wilfred: You're going to be wishing for the green green grass of home soon enough, brother!
Alfred: Indeed? Well, you're going home in the back of an ambulance!!
Bruce: I can't tell them apart
*closeup on facial hair again*
Cass/Tim: *facepalm!*
Leslie: It's obvious, Bruce! Which one raised you? Look at his eyes!
Bruce: Their eyes look the same. And aren't you evil?
Everyone: *facepalm.*
Wilfred: Forget it! The "Detective" didn't notice a few choice drugs in each of his meals for over a year. He is completely in my power!
Tim: Catwoman ain't gonna like someone taking her power over Bruce away from her like that...
Cass: What about Oracle's power over everyone?
Tim: Don't scare me like that!
Wilfred: Attack, my pet!
Everyone: *stares*
Wilfred: I meant Bruce! Bruce! Attack them!
Tim: Um...can you give him a reason? He's not a mindless drone you know!
Bruce: Yes...Master...
Tim: So I'm wrong!
Bruce: *lumbers after everyone*
Cass: *stands there, smiling under her mask*
Wilfred: Um... what are you doing?
Cass: Waiting for Bruce.
Bruce: *lumbers up and attacks in mind-controlled fashion*
Cass: *shows why she was waiting*
Tim: ooooohhh that's gotta hurt!
Wilfred: My plan seems to have hit a slight snag.
Leslie: That slight snag is knocking the stuffing out of your plan!
Wilfred: Yes, and---oooh, that's gotta hurt--he should be okay by next month. The plan can restart?
Leslie: You're sure you're Alfred's brother?
Wilfred: I'm his twin! Isn't that confirmation?!
Tim: Not in this town. You could be a clone, an alien, Clayface, blah blah blah....
Alfred: See what I must live with, Wilfred? You want to stay around them? They are insane--
Everyone: Hey!
Alfred: It is true, is it not? *ducks Bruce's fist.*
Alfred: Master Bruce, that's enough! Stop it!
Bruce: *stops.*
Alfred: It pays to have the same voice as your evil twin.
An arriving voice: I'll say... *new resonances and timbre* I am fire! I am chaos! Now and forever, I AM PHOENIX!!!
Wildred: *hides under a table*
Babs: Heh - I think I'm getting good at my "twin's" voice... why are you looking all scared like that?
Tim: *points at the gap between the floor and Babs herself* You went all red and flamey...
Babs: It's all in the voice, young Robin! Now, where's the brainwashed detective... ah... *slaps him hard* *I* control you, nobody else!! *looks around* Oh, all right... nobody controls you but you... *sigh* *whispers* You're under my power til the end of your days!
Dick: Babs!
Babs: Sorry!
Bruce: Yes, Mistress...
Tim: Great. Now we have a Batman who does whatever he's told.
Babs: I know, isn't it great?!
Tim: For you, maybe. Think J'onn will be happy?
Babs: Ooh, I never thought of that.
Alfred: What does J'onn have to do with anything?
Wilfred: Yeah, you weren't here for that. Bruce has a boyfriend.
Alfred: *glares at Wilfred* Were you responsible for the two of them getting together?
Wilfred: Nope.
Alfred: Good. When Master Bruce wakes up and is mostly normal again, I'll congratulate him.
Dick: Um, has anyone told Selina?
Everyone: *looks around*
Alfred: Uh-oh....
Alfred: Did you control Bruce enough for a love triangle?!
Wilfred: Well...yes.
Dick: You are so dead.
Bruce: Must...kill....Wilfred...
Alfred: Stop, Master Bruce! Or...just tie him to a chair.
Tim: *gets idea, and whispers to Bruce*
Babs: Tim, what are you doing with my Batman?
Tim: Just watch... *grins*
Bruce: Hey!... Mr.... Tambourine Man... play... a song... for me...
Babs: Argh!
Alfred: Stop that atrocity! The horror...the horror....
Dick: Everybody's a critic.
Tim: Sing for me...yes...
Wilfred: We'll make a villain out of you yet, boy!
Tim: Do I get my own handlebar moustache to twirl?
Wilfred: YesARGH!
Cass: *No*.
Wilfred: Mustache---free of charge!
Cass: *grabs his arm.*
Wilfred: Joking! Ow! Joking!
Bruce: Must...sing...must...warp the minds of thousands...
*Commissioner Gordon walks in.*
Jim: What is going on here? Who's torturing a cat?!
Tim: That would be Bruce.
Jim: He's torturing something?!
Tim: He's singing.
Jim: Why?!
Tim: He was brainwashed by Alfred's evil twin. Meanwhile, he and Leslie's evil twin ruined Bruce's life. Alfred and Leslie got married and went on a honeymoon.
Jim: *facepalm.*
Babs: Don't even think about it, Bruce!
Bruce: Ok, no thinking....
Babs: *phew*
Bruce: *starts singing without even thinking about it* Picture yourself... in a... boat... on a river...With tangerine trees... and... marmalade skies...
Jim: Stop! Sing this. *whispers in his ears.*
Bruce: *sings and does a little dance.*
Dick: What is that?!
Jim: The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins. Would you rather I made him dance The Macarena?
Dick: *Thinks*
Jim: Well?
Dick: Give me time! I can't decide which is worse!
Babs: Bruce? Do the Macarena.
Dick: Argh! I should turn away, but can't! My eyes!
Gordons: *chuckling*
Dick: Hmmm... *whispers to Bruce*
Bruce: Bruce need rest!
Dick: Do it, c'mon!
Bruce: Yes... I'm... Slim... Shady...
Babs: No!
Dick: Yes!
Babs: *rolls over both their feet* You had that coming!!
Cass: *watches.*
Tim: What do you think, Cass?
Cass: They evil.
Tim: Agreed. *watches* Oh, no. Not the big bottom song!
Bruce: I like big bottoms and I cannot lie...
Dick: So...frightening...
Cass: Ok, who suggested that one?
Everyone: *looks down*
Cass: Someone is going to pay!
Wilfred: It was--Alfred!
Alfred: Liar. You know it was you who forced him to sing it.
Wilfred: Yes, well...I'm evil, you know.
Babs: Bruce? Do whatever I say.
Alfred: I believe Master Bruce is tired. He has gone to sleep on the floor.
Bruce: *Snores.*
Alfred: I shall call Superman. Perhaps he, and Master J'onn can fix this.
Dick: What about that love triangle?
Alfred: We can avoid Miss Selina for a few years, can't we?
Babs: Call Superman, eh? *stares off into own little dreamworld where she controls him too*
Dick: Stop that.
Babs: You're right. I can control everyone in the Batclan--why expand the territory?
Dick: You scare me.
Wilfred: These love triangles are what happens when worlds created by different authors collide...
Alfred: Shut it! Not even Master Bruce may break the fourth wall...
Wilfred: Doesn't stop him from doing so more than Deadpool.
Alfred: Point.
Alfred: *calls Superman.*
Superman: *arrives* What's wrong with Bruce? And why are there two of you?
Alfred: Meet Wilfred--my evil twin.
Superman: You've been watching too many soap operas again, haven't you?
Alfred: How many people know that?!
Wilfred: *giggles* Um, a fair few from me...
Babs: Um... me too...
Alfred: *facepalm*
Dick: Harold.
Alfred: He cannot speak.
Dick: He could after Hush was through with him. The man gossiped to everyone after he could speak. For the few days he was alive after that, anyway...
Jim: *wonders away mumbling about conspiracies and evil twins.*
Dick: Well, I guess our lives are too weird for him.
Babs: Ya think?
Dick: Yes, often. I have to to keep up with you.
Babs: What makes you think you can do that?
Tim: *Backs away.*
Dick: It's fun to try to figure you out?
Babs: *rolls over his foot.*
Dick: That was a compliment!
Babs: Sorry. Hand slipped.
Tim: *gets sudden coughing attack*
Babs: Is that laughter?
Tim: A little. And choking on cookies Alfred gave me.
Babs: Good answer. You won't be rolled over. And you will be second in command when I rule the world.
Everyone: *stares*
Babs: Did I say that out loud?
Everyone: *nods*
Babs: Oops *giggles* The things I say, pay no attention...
Dick: Hey... how come I'm not second in command?
Babs: Because, short-pants, you're going to be the chief eye-candy!
Dick: Oh. Well, makes sense!
Babs: Oh you're just full of it at times!
Dick: Just part of what you love about me... *is shouldered aside by Cass*
Cass: How come Tim gets to be second in charge? *lifts eyebrow clearly outlining who it should be*
Babs: Oh for crying out loud... Does everyone want to be second in command?!
Everyone: YES!
Jim: My daughter--the one seeking global domination. *sighs and wonders away again.*
Everyone: *stares*
Bruce: Must...also...rule...world...must be Babs's slave...
Babs: Good boy
Babs: I think I'll go call down the cosmic puppy. Bruce is more fun when he's possessed.
Alfred: Cosmic puppy? What has happened while I was away?
Dick: Don't ask. Just don't ask. By the way, do you know how to do an exorcism? In case we get Zuul again by mistake?
Alfred: *facepalm.*
Wilfred: Yeah...a few things happened while you were away...
Alfred: You are all insane! Miss Barbara, drop that ouija board at once!
Babs: *Does so.*
Alfred: You will all leave Master Bruce alone!
Superman: And me?
Alfred: You will help me figure a way to get him back from the hypnosis.
Bruce: Must...clean...mansion...
Alfred: After he does that, anyway.
Dick: Remember the Washing Machine Incident Of 2000?
Alfred: Don't let him near the washing machine!
Meanwhile, The White Hot Room:
Jean: *watches something in her hands*
Phoenix-Alfred: Miss Jean?
Phoenix-Babs: What's that you're watching?
Jean: Two universes merging, mixing together.
Rachel: Um, call me out of practice, but doesn't that normally lead to one big boom?
Jean: Usually, but there's a couple of us there.
PBabs: Who? *looks in*
PAlfred: Good Lord! Them?!
PBabs: Oh, this is going to get weird. Er.
Bruce: *runs for the washing machine!*
Alfred: Grab him! Quickly!
Wilfred: Untie me and I can help! Somebody?
Dick: *Runs at Bruce, and jumps on his back.*
Bruce: *Continues.*
Dick: He's strong!
Cass: *Holding his leg, and being dragged.*
Babs: *random act of violence, as she rolls over a foot.*
Tim: OW!
Babs: Think quick!!
Tim: *glares and goes back to watching.*
Dick: Little bro? Stop lurking and help! Or Babs will roll over the other foot!
Tim: *Nerve pinch knocks out Bruce.*
Dick: Did Shiva teach you that?
Tim: No...I'm a Trekkie.
Everyone: *stares.*
Tim: I replayed the nerve pinch scenes until I could recreate it. Stalked a few stars of the show.
Dick: That's our Tim! Seriously scary and creepy!
Alfred: By the way, Master Tim, your latest batch of restraining orders arrived today.
Tim: Oh, goodie! Who this time?
Alfred: William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy.
Tim: Aww...I liked lurking in the shadows of their homes.
Everyone: *Backs away a little.*
Dick: Don't worry bro, we can always make home seem just like their homes... we can make Bruce sing again!
Tim: Anyone want to hear the tapes of their random conversations? Plots for songs?
Dick: You bugged their homes?!
Tim: Well...yeah...
Dick: That's our Robin. Our scary, creepy, and loveably. And disturbing Robin! *ruffles hair.*
Tim: Remind me to remove the bugs from your apartment.
Dick: *Horrified look.* You're just like Bruce
Tim: *beaming smile* Thank you.
Tim: You don't really think I'd put bugs in your apartment, do you? All I need to do is splice the signal from Babs's bugs...
Babs: Good boy--I think.
Bruce: Must...watch...insanity...
Superman: Sarcastic even under hypnosis. That's Bruce all right.
Context Free Theatre presents: Bruce Is In Trouble
Talking about an rp scene
At one point he said "So...when it's not raining sports equipment, how's life?"
Longer :lol: *watches nautilus machine hurtle down to earth*
He meant the rain of ping pong balls. :lol: It made me think of raining golf clubs, and then, golf balls. :lol:
And then, golf bags, and the 19th hole...
And a few supervillains would be crushed
And then, people would steal their boots...
Batman: Huh.
J'onn: Batman? What's going on down there? You are projecting grim amusement--and it's scaring the telepaths on the Watchtower.
Batman: It's raining golf clubs. *watches one hit Joker.*
J'onn: Uh huh....right....
Batman: It's true! Look!
J'onn: "Raining", not, say, "dropping"?
Bruce: Cross my heart, hope to die!
Below:
Two coppers come along, find Joker on the street...
Colon: Strange sort of get-up this fella's got.
Nobby: Right you are, Fred. All the more reason to confiscate it, as evidence see!
Colon: You're not stealing a dead man's boots while on duty, are you, Corporal?
Nobby: No no! He's not dead, see?
Joker: *groans in sleep*
How two of Ankh-Morpork's finest wound up in Gotham I'll never know...
A portal. Blame it on a portal. :lol:
Batman: J'onn? Is it normal for people to have their clothes stolen after being knocked out by falling athletic equipment?
J'onn: *silence for a moment.* This may be a first.
Batman: Ah, poor J'onn... still so naive about human nature...
J'onn: *amused.* You should tell the rest of the Bat Clan about it.
Batman: *imagines Babs' reaction* I shall. *evil laughter.*
J'onn: Are you possessed again?
Batman: No...just plotting against the supervillains.
J'onn: I think you can take tonight off... *points at screen*
Colon, recoiling from a discovered gun: That looks one of those things that got young Cuddy!
Nobby: How'd this guy get it? Not as if ol' Leonard had any more lying about.
Colon: I don't know, Corporal, but he must be more dangerous than he looks.
Joker: *groans, waking*
Nobby: Well, no taking chances then *hits Joker round the head* This is for Cuddy! And Ol' Gaskin! And every other poor copper who's ended up shouting twelve o'clock and all's argh!
Colon: You know ol' Stoneface is going to go spare if he finds out about this.
Nobby: I don't think he's going to find out Fred - and at least it'll mean we're back home.
Colon: Time to discover the better part of valour?
Nobby: Read my mind, Fred. Read my mind.
Batman: *stares* Agreed. If you need me, I'll be in my cave. Possibly checking my cameras to see if anything hit The Riddler or Mad Hatter.
J'onn: You have cameras...in their homes?
Batman: Of course. It's impossible to tell the villains from the kids on Halloween, though.
On the screens:
Riddler: *sits reading The Oxford Guide to Plain Speaking*
Mad Hatter: I'm thinking of moving into wigs!
J'onn: Strange personal lives, the lot of you!
Batman: *checks Catwoman.* Selina's busy with feeding her cats--all 14 of them. No...15...16...a litter of kittens...another litter over there...
J'onn: *cringes.* Wait, you have a camera in Catwoman's place?
Batman: I already told you, yes!
J'onn: *thinks, then grins*
Batman: What?
J'onn: How much *not* to tell her or Oracle?
Batman: Half my fortune!
J'onn: Sold! *Buys big screen TV for the Watchtower, and a new sofa.*
Later...
Oracle: What's this I hear about you having a camera in Selina's apartment?
Batman: Err...um...I...*facepalm.*
Oracle: Hehehe... confuse 'em and all their secrets are yours! :D
Batman: How did you know?
Oracle: I have a camera in the cave.
Batman: Figures.
Oracle: Plus, I asked J'onn where all his new stuff came from, he just couldn't think of a cover story quick enough...
Batman: Useless Martian...
J'onn: *telepathically* I heard that! And it's not my fault...Oracle is too good at this.
Oracle: *huge grin.*
Batman: Don't encourage her.
Oracle: I so own all of you!
Nightwing: You really, really do. We are your servants!
Batman: Stop encouraging her!
Oracle: Aww, but he's so good at it!
J'onn: Your family is messed up.
Batman: *Sarcastically* Really? I hadn't noticed.
J'onn: Do you need the version with diagrams and charts?
Batman: *sigh*
Batman: *checks his cameras--he notices that Selina's now points at the litter box.*
Oracle: Busted!
Batman: *watches* Eww.
Computer: *Incoming transport*
Oracle: Computer, vocalise transportee ident, please.
Computer: *Incoming transportee is Selina Kyle*
Oracle: Uh-oh...
Nightwing: Uh-oh...
Batman: Uh-oh.
Oracle: Dickie, darling, I think it's time we left the scene so we don't witness anything.... untoward...
Batman: I'm so dead.
Tim: And we are leaving. Hope you survive! *waves*
Batman: Take me with you!
Selina: *Shakes her head.*
Batman: Don't let her kill me!
Oracle: Sorry, you're on your own!
Uatu: And now, gentle reader, let us draw a veil across this unfolding scene, since it's unlikely to be very pleasant...
Dick: Hey! Did anyone ever notice all these ruins near the Watchtower before?
Everyone: *starts poking around*
Uatu: No! Stop! That's my house! Leave my space dog alone!
Flash: You have got to be kidding me!
Superman: *facepalm.*
J'onn: Shall I rescue Batman?
Dick: Nah, let him suffer.
Uatu: *peers behind the veil* Trust me, it's better to remain watching... and maybe telling Alfred to get some icepacks ready.
Selina: *pokes him in the eyes.* Now you are no longer a Watcher.
Uatu: Ahh! My eyes! I'm out of a job!
Batman: Good one, honey!
Selina: Did you set up that camera after Wilfred brainwashed you?
Batman: You heard about that? *sees her nodding* Um...yeah!
Selina: You realise this doesn't let you entirely off the hook, Mister Wayne...
Bruce: I know, I know...
Selina: First stop, the petting zoo! With the baby lions!
Babs: And tigers!
Dick: And bears!
Cass: Oh my...
Bruce: *leans over and whispers to her* Please don't throw me to the lions.*
Selina: I'll think about it. *evil grin*
Bruce: Save me!
Babs: Save you? Actually, I had a few other plans...
Bruce: Like what?
Babs: Getting Selina to tape the whole thing!
Selina: *snickers* How wonderfully poetic, don't you think?
Bruce: I can't get out of this can I?
Selina: Nope!
Bruce: It's fitting. Yes, very poetic.
Selina: Yep!
Bruce: Oh, and Barbara? I will have my revenge!
Babs: Easy there...you're starting to sound like Lex Luthor.
Bruce: *quickly makes sure he still has hair.*
Selina: Yes, you still have your hair, silly. *ruffles said hair*
Bruce: Hey! *smooths it back*
Elsewhere...
Lex: And now, I will have my revenge on Superman! I will have my revenge! I will switch bodies with him! *turns on machine just as Bruce and Selina talk. It backfires, and Lex is thrown with the machine.*
Bruce: Did you hear something? It sounded like an explosion. *Lex crashes near them, and the machine works in a strange way. Bruce is now bald, and Lex has hair.*
Bruce: My hair!
Lex: I have hair! My revenge is complete! My villainous career is ended!
Selina: *Stares* Maybe I shouldn't have said anything about Lex...
Bruce: Ya think?! At least we didn't switch bodies!
Dick: *facepalm* You've just doomed yourself, you realise that, right?
Bruce: D'oh! Unless... unless the writers are very kind *winning smile*
Babs: *sigh* he's breaking the fourth wall again...
Selina: Stop smiling at invisible sky people! *Slaps him.*
J'onn: Hey! I'm watching you, and invisible!
Selina: Sorry, J'onn! Was he begging you for help?
J'onn: No...and I don't think I could help. You're all mad.
Bruce: *facepalm.* How do I explain this? I woke up one morning, and my hair stayed on the pillow?
Dick: Look on the bright side? Your cowl will fit much better.
Bruce: *Batglare.*
Dick, carrying on regardless: It will! It'll be even better fitting than the time Tim put superglue in there!
Bruce: That was Tim's doing?! I thought it was The Joker's doing while I was out cold!
Tim: Thanks a lot, Dick!
Dick: Oh, I wasn't meant to say that? Oh, where was my mind? heh heh heh
Tim: Probably the same place it was that time you were at the beach and...
Dick: Ok, that's quite enough of that, Lil Bro... *feels a certain other bat-glare*
Selina: That's enough, boys. I think Bruce has been punished enough for one day.
*Wilfred shows up.*
Selina: Hey...you're not Alfred. You're the other one, aren't you!
Wilfred: It took you 4 seconds, and it took him 1 year! By the way, there's more you don't know. He's been dating you, Diana, and J'onn!
Selina: What?!
Wilfred: I brainwashed him! It was all part of my master plan! Now...kill him!
Selina: You...did...what?!
Wilfred: Stay away! No! NOOOO!!!!
Bruce: *cringes.*
Alfred: *shakes head* I had really thought you were smarter than that, brother.
Wilfred: *runs away, screaming*
Bruce: Wait a minute... Diana as well?
Dick: I managed to change time enough for that, but I can't change every little thing...
Bruce: *stares* That's right, you're a Phoenix. So that wasn't all a bad dream?
Dick: Nope.
Bruce: And do they remember these affairs?
Dick: Yep.
Selina: *facepalm.* You're really not good at damage control, sweetie.
J'onn: By the way, we're married! *shows his ring.*
Bruce: I'm so dead. Two women, and you!
J'onn: I mindwiped Diana--she doesn't remember the two of you.
Bruce: OK, just you and Selina. That's enough trouble!
Selina: *Glares*
Bruce: Not that you're any trouble!
Babs: *facepalms* He's in worse trouble than I thought...
Dick: *suddenly walks over and slaps Bruce*
Bruce: HEY!
Dick: That was from Rachel. This is reminding her too much of her home dimension.
Selina: Keep digging...
Bruce: I'll be good. Just divorce J'onn--and things will be fine.
J'onn: What?!
Dick: This can't end well.
*a strange sound is heard*
Selina: What was that?
Dick: The sound of every Phoenix facepalming at the same time....
Babs: How many times have I told you Bruce--never anger a telepath!
Bruce: Um...that was the first time.
Babs: Hopeless! He's hopeless!
Tim: Just...don't say anything else.
J'onn: And yet, you keep going in your thoughts.
Bruce: *facepalm.*
J'onn: Keep digging....
Dick: I don't want to know.
Bruce: I don't like this adventure. Can I swap with the Batman where Nightwing's on trial for Blockbuster's murder?
Nightwing: HEY!
Green Lantern (Kyle Rayner): HEY!
J'onn: You broke the 4th wall again--stop that!
Nightwing: No...he just knows his alternate selves. And no, you can't switch! That's a bad reality!
Green Lantern: When was I teleported in?
Nightwing: Kyle? I think the Phoenixes were trying to grab John Stewart and missed.
Green Lantern: Oh. I'll just...sit in the corner until they decide to send me back to the Watchtower.
Nightwing: If you want something to do, you could ring up something to stop Batman from talking...
Batman: HEY!
Nightwing: I'm serious! Everything he says just digs him into the ground further...
Kyle: *creates a green block over Batman's mouth.*
Nightwing: Heh.
Batman: Mmph! Mmmpmmhhh!!!
Kyle: Like that?
Nightwing: Exactly. Good work.
Selina: Any good ideas for making him stop thinking? He's making J'onn mad.
Babs: We've got this one! Tim!
Tim: *rolls in a tv* One big serving of The Reality Channel, coming up!
Selina: Wow.
J'onn: You guys sure don't pull any punches.
Babs: We learn from the best... and keep those eyes open, Bruce!!
Bruce: Mmmm! MMMPPHHH!!!
Bruce: *torture...unending torture...*
J'onn: Since when has Bruce been able to project his thoughts?!
Babs: I guess the horror of the onslaught of reality tv did it. It's good for something after all? *shrugs*
J'onn: So...he was a latent meta? This explains so much. Oh, and Bruce? Stop the monologue! This isn't Planet of the Apes!
Bruce: *Get your filthy paws off--err...Sorry...started quoting. And I'm a Phoenix, not a meta!*
And to finish, a little "missing scene", set after Dick hangs up the pixie boots but before Jason arrives.
Context Fusion Theatre presents: a scene from Nightwing : Year One
Anna1: But on a better note: I'm in the middle of reading Nightwing: Year One.
Batman fired Robin, and Alfred said this:
"Surely you don't expect *me* to wear that costume?"
And you just know that Bruce probably did think about making Alfred a Robin. :D
Bruce: *stares*
Alfred: Master Bruce? Heh. I was kidding.
Bruce: *tackles him.*
5 minutes later...
Alfred: Master Bruce? I do not think it is appropriate for a butler to wear pixie boots.
But he comes very highly recommended - by Deadman!
"Pretty spry for an old guy!"
Batman and Jeeves :lol:
Bruce: *waits for someone to make a comment about the rest of the costume.*
Alfred: Sir? The Robin panties are too snug. However did Master Richard survive all this time in them?
Bruce: Try to do a backflip, and we'll see if this works.
Alfred: Master Bruce! Please think of an old man's back!
Bruce: Well, ok, I suppose I could give the costume to Barbara...
30 minutes later...
Bruce: Alfred, be a dear, run a radox bath would you... ow...
Alfred: *evil smirk.*
Bruce: And no comments!
Alfred: Perhaps Miss Selina would care to dress in that travisty of a costume?
Bruce: Hmm....
An hour later:
Bruce, still there: Hmmm....
Two hours later...
Bruce: Hmmm....
Alfred: *Hits him upside the head.*
Bruce: Ow! What was that for?
Alfred: Less fantasizing, more asking her yourself!
An hour later...
Selina: You're giving me a Robin costume. Bruce? Is this another freaky game?
Meanwhile:
Alfred: Yes, it's safe to talk, Master Dick. Master Bruce has gone to give The Costume to Miss Selina.
Dick: Selina? As in Catwoman?! My old costume?
Alfred: The very same, on both counts. I understand his attempt to give it to Miss Barbara went less than spectacularly...
Dick: Whoa... he tried to give my costume to Babs? Hmmmm....
Alfred: *sigh* Like father, like son...
Alfred: *waits an hour and thwaps Dick.*
Dick: Ow!
Alfred: You've daydreamed for an hour--now go!
Dick: An hour? Already? Wow, I only just got here... um, Alfred...
Alfred: No, Master Dick, I don't have a spare costume that can be "borrowed".
Dick: Awww... and how'd you know?
Alfred: I like to think I've picked up a few things in my time here, lad.
Alfred: And remember: I used an axe to break down the door. I still have it. If you don't do as I say, I can become a supervillain for you.
Dick: You're kidding. *is scared*
Alfred: Yes, Sir. Of course, Master Bruce has made me dress up as himself and as Two-Face in the past. Would he notice?
Dick: Probably not. Promise to stay as a force for good?
Alfred: I promise. Now get to the kitchen, young sir! Time for your dinner.
Context Free Theatre presents: Alfred's Evil Twin - The Musical
I just got (Gotham Knights #69) from Mile High Comics yesterday. Loved the ending--would have been better if it was Alfred and he was possessed. Worse for Bruce.
No! No more turning everyone evil or dead! *hits DC writers with Frank Miller again*
Very good idea. If Alfred were just possessed, then Bruce could just forgive him.
Unless Alfred's already gone to Africa, then he could never get in contact to reveal he was possessed....
That would be interesting. :lol:
*Phone rings*
Alfred: Hello, Master Bruce.
Bruce: Alfred? But...you're standing by the computer....
Alfred: Get out of the Batcave, Sir. It's my evil twin, Wilfred.
Bruce: But--
Alfred: Don't argue with me, Boy! I raised you!
Bruce: Yes, Sir. What about Leslie? She's evil, right?
Alfred: No, Sir. She's on a honeymoon with me. Didn't you get my letter? We left weeks ago.
Bruce: Aren't you both evil, then?
Alfred: No, sir. We left during that horrid war game, fiasco.
Bruce: So...you've been gone a year?
Alfred: Has Wilfred been there that long?
Bruce: Yes. Please don't kill me.
Alfred: How could you not realise he wasn't me?!
Bruce: But... you look exactly the same, and he talks just like you!
Cut to:
Wilfred: *sits in quarters with Mirror-Spock beard, thinking* (You know the picture from "Mirror Mirror")
Alfred: Did he tell you stories of when you were a child?
Bruce: No. But..but...he can cook!
Alfred: All Pennyworths can cook, Master Bruce!
Bruce: Oh.
Alfred: Did he try to talk you out of it whenever you isolated yourself?
Bruce: No...but he told me to do what I wanted.
Alfred: And *That* wasn't a tip-off?!
Bruce: I thought you'd just realised I was going to do what I wanted anyway, and had come to accept it.
Alfred: Think about it. Would I do something like that?
Bruce: No...
Alfred: And you're the World's Greatest Detective? I pity the world.
Bruce: It's you, all right. Who else could kill my self-esteem.
Alfred: Miss Barbara. Master Dick...
Bruce: True. And rhetorical! Can you please come back?
Alfred: Give me a few minutes, sir. I shall return with Mrs. Pennyworth, and we shall give my twin a piece of our minds!
Bruce: Mrs--?!
Alfred: I told you I married Leslie! Listen!
Bruce: Sorry. I was in denial.
Alfred: *sigh*
Alfred: Shall I take the JLA Transporter?
Bruce: Yes, please!
*Takes the transporter to Wilfred's quarters.*
Bruce: What is that noise? Alfred? Wilfred?!
*Music from Amok Time plays.*
*Bruce runs to the quarters, is joined by Batgirl and Robin. They burst in*
Wilfred: You're going to be wishing for the green green grass of home soon enough, brother!
Alfred: Indeed? Well, you're going home in the back of an ambulance!!
Bruce: I can't tell them apart
*closeup on facial hair again*
Cass/Tim: *facepalm!*
Leslie: It's obvious, Bruce! Which one raised you? Look at his eyes!
Bruce: Their eyes look the same. And aren't you evil?
Everyone: *facepalm.*
Wilfred: Forget it! The "Detective" didn't notice a few choice drugs in each of his meals for over a year. He is completely in my power!
Tim: Catwoman ain't gonna like someone taking her power over Bruce away from her like that...
Cass: What about Oracle's power over everyone?
Tim: Don't scare me like that!
Wilfred: Attack, my pet!
Everyone: *stares*
Wilfred: I meant Bruce! Bruce! Attack them!
Tim: Um...can you give him a reason? He's not a mindless drone you know!
Bruce: Yes...Master...
Tim: So I'm wrong!
Bruce: *lumbers after everyone*
Cass: *stands there, smiling under her mask*
Wilfred: Um... what are you doing?
Cass: Waiting for Bruce.
Bruce: *lumbers up and attacks in mind-controlled fashion*
Cass: *shows why she was waiting*
Tim: ooooohhh that's gotta hurt!
Wilfred: My plan seems to have hit a slight snag.
Leslie: That slight snag is knocking the stuffing out of your plan!
Wilfred: Yes, and---oooh, that's gotta hurt--he should be okay by next month. The plan can restart?
Leslie: You're sure you're Alfred's brother?
Wilfred: I'm his twin! Isn't that confirmation?!
Tim: Not in this town. You could be a clone, an alien, Clayface, blah blah blah....
Alfred: See what I must live with, Wilfred? You want to stay around them? They are insane--
Everyone: Hey!
Alfred: It is true, is it not? *ducks Bruce's fist.*
Alfred: Master Bruce, that's enough! Stop it!
Bruce: *stops.*
Alfred: It pays to have the same voice as your evil twin.
An arriving voice: I'll say... *new resonances and timbre* I am fire! I am chaos! Now and forever, I AM PHOENIX!!!
Wildred: *hides under a table*
Babs: Heh - I think I'm getting good at my "twin's" voice... why are you looking all scared like that?
Tim: *points at the gap between the floor and Babs herself* You went all red and flamey...
Babs: It's all in the voice, young Robin! Now, where's the brainwashed detective... ah... *slaps him hard* *I* control you, nobody else!! *looks around* Oh, all right... nobody controls you but you... *sigh* *whispers* You're under my power til the end of your days!
Dick: Babs!
Babs: Sorry!
Bruce: Yes, Mistress...
Tim: Great. Now we have a Batman who does whatever he's told.
Babs: I know, isn't it great?!
Tim: For you, maybe. Think J'onn will be happy?
Babs: Ooh, I never thought of that.
Alfred: What does J'onn have to do with anything?
Wilfred: Yeah, you weren't here for that. Bruce has a boyfriend.
Alfred: *glares at Wilfred* Were you responsible for the two of them getting together?
Wilfred: Nope.
Alfred: Good. When Master Bruce wakes up and is mostly normal again, I'll congratulate him.
Dick: Um, has anyone told Selina?
Everyone: *looks around*
Alfred: Uh-oh....
Alfred: Did you control Bruce enough for a love triangle?!
Wilfred: Well...yes.
Dick: You are so dead.
Bruce: Must...kill....Wilfred...
Alfred: Stop, Master Bruce! Or...just tie him to a chair.
Tim: *gets idea, and whispers to Bruce*
Babs: Tim, what are you doing with my Batman?
Tim: Just watch... *grins*
Bruce: Hey!... Mr.... Tambourine Man... play... a song... for me...
Babs: Argh!
Alfred: Stop that atrocity! The horror...the horror....
Dick: Everybody's a critic.
Tim: Sing for me...yes...
Wilfred: We'll make a villain out of you yet, boy!
Tim: Do I get my own handlebar moustache to twirl?
Wilfred: YesARGH!
Cass: *No*.
Wilfred: Mustache---free of charge!
Cass: *grabs his arm.*
Wilfred: Joking! Ow! Joking!
Bruce: Must...sing...must...warp the minds of thousands...
*Commissioner Gordon walks in.*
Jim: What is going on here? Who's torturing a cat?!
Tim: That would be Bruce.
Jim: He's torturing something?!
Tim: He's singing.
Jim: Why?!
Tim: He was brainwashed by Alfred's evil twin. Meanwhile, he and Leslie's evil twin ruined Bruce's life. Alfred and Leslie got married and went on a honeymoon.
Jim: *facepalm.*
Babs: Don't even think about it, Bruce!
Bruce: Ok, no thinking....
Babs: *phew*
Bruce: *starts singing without even thinking about it* Picture yourself... in a... boat... on a river...With tangerine trees... and... marmalade skies...
Jim: Stop! Sing this. *whispers in his ears.*
Bruce: *sings and does a little dance.*
Dick: What is that?!
Jim: The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins. Would you rather I made him dance The Macarena?
Dick: *Thinks*
Jim: Well?
Dick: Give me time! I can't decide which is worse!
Babs: Bruce? Do the Macarena.
Dick: Argh! I should turn away, but can't! My eyes!
Gordons: *chuckling*
Dick: Hmmm... *whispers to Bruce*
Bruce: Bruce need rest!
Dick: Do it, c'mon!
Bruce: Yes... I'm... Slim... Shady...
Babs: No!
Dick: Yes!
Babs: *rolls over both their feet* You had that coming!!
Cass: *watches.*
Tim: What do you think, Cass?
Cass: They evil.
Tim: Agreed. *watches* Oh, no. Not the big bottom song!
Bruce: I like big bottoms and I cannot lie...
Dick: So...frightening...
Cass: Ok, who suggested that one?
Everyone: *looks down*
Cass: Someone is going to pay!
Wilfred: It was--Alfred!
Alfred: Liar. You know it was you who forced him to sing it.
Wilfred: Yes, well...I'm evil, you know.
Babs: Bruce? Do whatever I say.
Alfred: I believe Master Bruce is tired. He has gone to sleep on the floor.
Bruce: *Snores.*
Alfred: I shall call Superman. Perhaps he, and Master J'onn can fix this.
Dick: What about that love triangle?
Alfred: We can avoid Miss Selina for a few years, can't we?
Babs: Call Superman, eh? *stares off into own little dreamworld where she controls him too*
Dick: Stop that.
Babs: You're right. I can control everyone in the Batclan--why expand the territory?
Dick: You scare me.
Wilfred: These love triangles are what happens when worlds created by different authors collide...
Alfred: Shut it! Not even Master Bruce may break the fourth wall...
Wilfred: Doesn't stop him from doing so more than Deadpool.
Alfred: Point.
Alfred: *calls Superman.*
Superman: *arrives* What's wrong with Bruce? And why are there two of you?
Alfred: Meet Wilfred--my evil twin.
Superman: You've been watching too many soap operas again, haven't you?
Alfred: How many people know that?!
Wilfred: *giggles* Um, a fair few from me...
Babs: Um... me too...
Alfred: *facepalm*
Dick: Harold.
Alfred: He cannot speak.
Dick: He could after Hush was through with him. The man gossiped to everyone after he could speak. For the few days he was alive after that, anyway...
Jim: *wonders away mumbling about conspiracies and evil twins.*
Dick: Well, I guess our lives are too weird for him.
Babs: Ya think?
Dick: Yes, often. I have to to keep up with you.
Babs: What makes you think you can do that?
Tim: *Backs away.*
Dick: It's fun to try to figure you out?
Babs: *rolls over his foot.*
Dick: That was a compliment!
Babs: Sorry. Hand slipped.
Tim: *gets sudden coughing attack*
Babs: Is that laughter?
Tim: A little. And choking on cookies Alfred gave me.
Babs: Good answer. You won't be rolled over. And you will be second in command when I rule the world.
Everyone: *stares*
Babs: Did I say that out loud?
Everyone: *nods*
Babs: Oops *giggles* The things I say, pay no attention...
Dick: Hey... how come I'm not second in command?
Babs: Because, short-pants, you're going to be the chief eye-candy!
Dick: Oh. Well, makes sense!
Babs: Oh you're just full of it at times!
Dick: Just part of what you love about me... *is shouldered aside by Cass*
Cass: How come Tim gets to be second in charge? *lifts eyebrow clearly outlining who it should be*
Babs: Oh for crying out loud... Does everyone want to be second in command?!
Everyone: YES!
Jim: My daughter--the one seeking global domination. *sighs and wonders away again.*
Everyone: *stares*
Bruce: Must...also...rule...world...must be Babs's slave...
Babs: Good boy
Babs: I think I'll go call down the cosmic puppy. Bruce is more fun when he's possessed.
Alfred: Cosmic puppy? What has happened while I was away?
Dick: Don't ask. Just don't ask. By the way, do you know how to do an exorcism? In case we get Zuul again by mistake?
Alfred: *facepalm.*
Wilfred: Yeah...a few things happened while you were away...
Alfred: You are all insane! Miss Barbara, drop that ouija board at once!
Babs: *Does so.*
Alfred: You will all leave Master Bruce alone!
Superman: And me?
Alfred: You will help me figure a way to get him back from the hypnosis.
Bruce: Must...clean...mansion...
Alfred: After he does that, anyway.
Dick: Remember the Washing Machine Incident Of 2000?
Alfred: Don't let him near the washing machine!
Meanwhile, The White Hot Room:
Jean: *watches something in her hands*
Phoenix-Alfred: Miss Jean?
Phoenix-Babs: What's that you're watching?
Jean: Two universes merging, mixing together.
Rachel: Um, call me out of practice, but doesn't that normally lead to one big boom?
Jean: Usually, but there's a couple of us there.
PBabs: Who? *looks in*
PAlfred: Good Lord! Them?!
PBabs: Oh, this is going to get weird. Er.
Bruce: *runs for the washing machine!*
Alfred: Grab him! Quickly!
Wilfred: Untie me and I can help! Somebody?
Dick: *Runs at Bruce, and jumps on his back.*
Bruce: *Continues.*
Dick: He's strong!
Cass: *Holding his leg, and being dragged.*
Babs: *random act of violence, as she rolls over a foot.*
Tim: OW!
Babs: Think quick!!
Tim: *glares and goes back to watching.*
Dick: Little bro? Stop lurking and help! Or Babs will roll over the other foot!
Tim: *Nerve pinch knocks out Bruce.*
Dick: Did Shiva teach you that?
Tim: No...I'm a Trekkie.
Everyone: *stares.*
Tim: I replayed the nerve pinch scenes until I could recreate it. Stalked a few stars of the show.
Dick: That's our Tim! Seriously scary and creepy!
Alfred: By the way, Master Tim, your latest batch of restraining orders arrived today.
Tim: Oh, goodie! Who this time?
Alfred: William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy.
Tim: Aww...I liked lurking in the shadows of their homes.
Everyone: *Backs away a little.*
Dick: Don't worry bro, we can always make home seem just like their homes... we can make Bruce sing again!
Tim: Anyone want to hear the tapes of their random conversations? Plots for songs?
Dick: You bugged their homes?!
Tim: Well...yeah...
Dick: That's our Robin. Our scary, creepy, and loveably. And disturbing Robin! *ruffles hair.*
Tim: Remind me to remove the bugs from your apartment.
Dick: *Horrified look.* You're just like Bruce
Tim: *beaming smile* Thank you.
Tim: You don't really think I'd put bugs in your apartment, do you? All I need to do is splice the signal from Babs's bugs...
Babs: Good boy--I think.
Bruce: Must...watch...insanity...
Superman: Sarcastic even under hypnosis. That's Bruce all right.
Context Free Theatre presents: Bruce Is In Trouble
Talking about an rp scene
At one point he said "So...when it's not raining sports equipment, how's life?"
Longer :lol: *watches nautilus machine hurtle down to earth*
He meant the rain of ping pong balls. :lol: It made me think of raining golf clubs, and then, golf balls. :lol:
And then, golf bags, and the 19th hole...
And a few supervillains would be crushed
And then, people would steal their boots...
Batman: Huh.
J'onn: Batman? What's going on down there? You are projecting grim amusement--and it's scaring the telepaths on the Watchtower.
Batman: It's raining golf clubs. *watches one hit Joker.*
J'onn: Uh huh....right....
Batman: It's true! Look!
J'onn: "Raining", not, say, "dropping"?
Bruce: Cross my heart, hope to die!
Below:
Two coppers come along, find Joker on the street...
Colon: Strange sort of get-up this fella's got.
Nobby: Right you are, Fred. All the more reason to confiscate it, as evidence see!
Colon: You're not stealing a dead man's boots while on duty, are you, Corporal?
Nobby: No no! He's not dead, see?
Joker: *groans in sleep*
How two of Ankh-Morpork's finest wound up in Gotham I'll never know...
A portal. Blame it on a portal. :lol:
Batman: J'onn? Is it normal for people to have their clothes stolen after being knocked out by falling athletic equipment?
J'onn: *silence for a moment.* This may be a first.
Batman: Ah, poor J'onn... still so naive about human nature...
J'onn: *amused.* You should tell the rest of the Bat Clan about it.
Batman: *imagines Babs' reaction* I shall. *evil laughter.*
J'onn: Are you possessed again?
Batman: No...just plotting against the supervillains.
J'onn: I think you can take tonight off... *points at screen*
Colon, recoiling from a discovered gun: That looks one of those things that got young Cuddy!
Nobby: How'd this guy get it? Not as if ol' Leonard had any more lying about.
Colon: I don't know, Corporal, but he must be more dangerous than he looks.
Joker: *groans, waking*
Nobby: Well, no taking chances then *hits Joker round the head* This is for Cuddy! And Ol' Gaskin! And every other poor copper who's ended up shouting twelve o'clock and all's argh!
Colon: You know ol' Stoneface is going to go spare if he finds out about this.
Nobby: I don't think he's going to find out Fred - and at least it'll mean we're back home.
Colon: Time to discover the better part of valour?
Nobby: Read my mind, Fred. Read my mind.
Batman: *stares* Agreed. If you need me, I'll be in my cave. Possibly checking my cameras to see if anything hit The Riddler or Mad Hatter.
J'onn: You have cameras...in their homes?
Batman: Of course. It's impossible to tell the villains from the kids on Halloween, though.
On the screens:
Riddler: *sits reading The Oxford Guide to Plain Speaking*
Mad Hatter: I'm thinking of moving into wigs!
J'onn: Strange personal lives, the lot of you!
Batman: *checks Catwoman.* Selina's busy with feeding her cats--all 14 of them. No...15...16...a litter of kittens...another litter over there...
J'onn: *cringes.* Wait, you have a camera in Catwoman's place?
Batman: I already told you, yes!
J'onn: *thinks, then grins*
Batman: What?
J'onn: How much *not* to tell her or Oracle?
Batman: Half my fortune!
J'onn: Sold! *Buys big screen TV for the Watchtower, and a new sofa.*
Later...
Oracle: What's this I hear about you having a camera in Selina's apartment?
Batman: Err...um...I...*facepalm.*
Oracle: Hehehe... confuse 'em and all their secrets are yours! :D
Batman: How did you know?
Oracle: I have a camera in the cave.
Batman: Figures.
Oracle: Plus, I asked J'onn where all his new stuff came from, he just couldn't think of a cover story quick enough...
Batman: Useless Martian...
J'onn: *telepathically* I heard that! And it's not my fault...Oracle is too good at this.
Oracle: *huge grin.*
Batman: Don't encourage her.
Oracle: I so own all of you!
Nightwing: You really, really do. We are your servants!
Batman: Stop encouraging her!
Oracle: Aww, but he's so good at it!
J'onn: Your family is messed up.
Batman: *Sarcastically* Really? I hadn't noticed.
J'onn: Do you need the version with diagrams and charts?
Batman: *sigh*
Batman: *checks his cameras--he notices that Selina's now points at the litter box.*
Oracle: Busted!
Batman: *watches* Eww.
Computer: *Incoming transport*
Oracle: Computer, vocalise transportee ident, please.
Computer: *Incoming transportee is Selina Kyle*
Oracle: Uh-oh...
Nightwing: Uh-oh...
Batman: Uh-oh.
Oracle: Dickie, darling, I think it's time we left the scene so we don't witness anything.... untoward...
Batman: I'm so dead.
Tim: And we are leaving. Hope you survive! *waves*
Batman: Take me with you!
Selina: *Shakes her head.*
Batman: Don't let her kill me!
Oracle: Sorry, you're on your own!
Uatu: And now, gentle reader, let us draw a veil across this unfolding scene, since it's unlikely to be very pleasant...
Dick: Hey! Did anyone ever notice all these ruins near the Watchtower before?
Everyone: *starts poking around*
Uatu: No! Stop! That's my house! Leave my space dog alone!
Flash: You have got to be kidding me!
Superman: *facepalm.*
J'onn: Shall I rescue Batman?
Dick: Nah, let him suffer.
Uatu: *peers behind the veil* Trust me, it's better to remain watching... and maybe telling Alfred to get some icepacks ready.
Selina: *pokes him in the eyes.* Now you are no longer a Watcher.
Uatu: Ahh! My eyes! I'm out of a job!
Batman: Good one, honey!
Selina: Did you set up that camera after Wilfred brainwashed you?
Batman: You heard about that? *sees her nodding* Um...yeah!
Selina: You realise this doesn't let you entirely off the hook, Mister Wayne...
Bruce: I know, I know...
Selina: First stop, the petting zoo! With the baby lions!
Babs: And tigers!
Dick: And bears!
Cass: Oh my...
Bruce: *leans over and whispers to her* Please don't throw me to the lions.*
Selina: I'll think about it. *evil grin*
Bruce: Save me!
Babs: Save you? Actually, I had a few other plans...
Bruce: Like what?
Babs: Getting Selina to tape the whole thing!
Selina: *snickers* How wonderfully poetic, don't you think?
Bruce: I can't get out of this can I?
Selina: Nope!
Bruce: It's fitting. Yes, very poetic.
Selina: Yep!
Bruce: Oh, and Barbara? I will have my revenge!
Babs: Easy there...you're starting to sound like Lex Luthor.
Bruce: *quickly makes sure he still has hair.*
Selina: Yes, you still have your hair, silly. *ruffles said hair*
Bruce: Hey! *smooths it back*
Elsewhere...
Lex: And now, I will have my revenge on Superman! I will have my revenge! I will switch bodies with him! *turns on machine just as Bruce and Selina talk. It backfires, and Lex is thrown with the machine.*
Bruce: Did you hear something? It sounded like an explosion. *Lex crashes near them, and the machine works in a strange way. Bruce is now bald, and Lex has hair.*
Bruce: My hair!
Lex: I have hair! My revenge is complete! My villainous career is ended!
Selina: *Stares* Maybe I shouldn't have said anything about Lex...
Bruce: Ya think?! At least we didn't switch bodies!
Dick: *facepalm* You've just doomed yourself, you realise that, right?
Bruce: D'oh! Unless... unless the writers are very kind *winning smile*
Babs: *sigh* he's breaking the fourth wall again...
Selina: Stop smiling at invisible sky people! *Slaps him.*
J'onn: Hey! I'm watching you, and invisible!
Selina: Sorry, J'onn! Was he begging you for help?
J'onn: No...and I don't think I could help. You're all mad.
Bruce: *facepalm.* How do I explain this? I woke up one morning, and my hair stayed on the pillow?
Dick: Look on the bright side? Your cowl will fit much better.
Bruce: *Batglare.*
Dick, carrying on regardless: It will! It'll be even better fitting than the time Tim put superglue in there!
Bruce: That was Tim's doing?! I thought it was The Joker's doing while I was out cold!
Tim: Thanks a lot, Dick!
Dick: Oh, I wasn't meant to say that? Oh, where was my mind? heh heh heh
Tim: Probably the same place it was that time you were at the beach and...
Dick: Ok, that's quite enough of that, Lil Bro... *feels a certain other bat-glare*
Selina: That's enough, boys. I think Bruce has been punished enough for one day.
*Wilfred shows up.*
Selina: Hey...you're not Alfred. You're the other one, aren't you!
Wilfred: It took you 4 seconds, and it took him 1 year! By the way, there's more you don't know. He's been dating you, Diana, and J'onn!
Selina: What?!
Wilfred: I brainwashed him! It was all part of my master plan! Now...kill him!
Selina: You...did...what?!
Wilfred: Stay away! No! NOOOO!!!!
Bruce: *cringes.*
Alfred: *shakes head* I had really thought you were smarter than that, brother.
Wilfred: *runs away, screaming*
Bruce: Wait a minute... Diana as well?
Dick: I managed to change time enough for that, but I can't change every little thing...
Bruce: *stares* That's right, you're a Phoenix. So that wasn't all a bad dream?
Dick: Nope.
Bruce: And do they remember these affairs?
Dick: Yep.
Selina: *facepalm.* You're really not good at damage control, sweetie.
J'onn: By the way, we're married! *shows his ring.*
Bruce: I'm so dead. Two women, and you!
J'onn: I mindwiped Diana--she doesn't remember the two of you.
Bruce: OK, just you and Selina. That's enough trouble!
Selina: *Glares*
Bruce: Not that you're any trouble!
Babs: *facepalms* He's in worse trouble than I thought...
Dick: *suddenly walks over and slaps Bruce*
Bruce: HEY!
Dick: That was from Rachel. This is reminding her too much of her home dimension.
Selina: Keep digging...
Bruce: I'll be good. Just divorce J'onn--and things will be fine.
J'onn: What?!
Dick: This can't end well.
*a strange sound is heard*
Selina: What was that?
Dick: The sound of every Phoenix facepalming at the same time....
Babs: How many times have I told you Bruce--never anger a telepath!
Bruce: Um...that was the first time.
Babs: Hopeless! He's hopeless!
Tim: Just...don't say anything else.
J'onn: And yet, you keep going in your thoughts.
Bruce: *facepalm.*
J'onn: Keep digging....
Dick: I don't want to know.
Bruce: I don't like this adventure. Can I swap with the Batman where Nightwing's on trial for Blockbuster's murder?
Nightwing: HEY!
Green Lantern (Kyle Rayner): HEY!
J'onn: You broke the 4th wall again--stop that!
Nightwing: No...he just knows his alternate selves. And no, you can't switch! That's a bad reality!
Green Lantern: When was I teleported in?
Nightwing: Kyle? I think the Phoenixes were trying to grab John Stewart and missed.
Green Lantern: Oh. I'll just...sit in the corner until they decide to send me back to the Watchtower.
Nightwing: If you want something to do, you could ring up something to stop Batman from talking...
Batman: HEY!
Nightwing: I'm serious! Everything he says just digs him into the ground further...
Kyle: *creates a green block over Batman's mouth.*
Nightwing: Heh.
Batman: Mmph! Mmmpmmhhh!!!
Kyle: Like that?
Nightwing: Exactly. Good work.
Selina: Any good ideas for making him stop thinking? He's making J'onn mad.
Babs: We've got this one! Tim!
Tim: *rolls in a tv* One big serving of The Reality Channel, coming up!
Selina: Wow.
J'onn: You guys sure don't pull any punches.
Babs: We learn from the best... and keep those eyes open, Bruce!!
Bruce: Mmmm! MMMPPHHH!!!
Bruce: *torture...unending torture...*
J'onn: Since when has Bruce been able to project his thoughts?!
Babs: I guess the horror of the onslaught of reality tv did it. It's good for something after all? *shrugs*
J'onn: So...he was a latent meta? This explains so much. Oh, and Bruce? Stop the monologue! This isn't Planet of the Apes!
Bruce: *Get your filthy paws off--err...Sorry...started quoting. And I'm a Phoenix, not a meta!*
And to finish, a little "missing scene", set after Dick hangs up the pixie boots but before Jason arrives.
Context Fusion Theatre presents: a scene from Nightwing : Year One
Anna1: But on a better note: I'm in the middle of reading Nightwing: Year One.
Batman fired Robin, and Alfred said this:
"Surely you don't expect *me* to wear that costume?"
And you just know that Bruce probably did think about making Alfred a Robin. :D
Bruce: *stares*
Alfred: Master Bruce? Heh. I was kidding.
Bruce: *tackles him.*
5 minutes later...
Alfred: Master Bruce? I do not think it is appropriate for a butler to wear pixie boots.
But he comes very highly recommended - by Deadman!
"Pretty spry for an old guy!"
Batman and Jeeves :lol:
Bruce: *waits for someone to make a comment about the rest of the costume.*
Alfred: Sir? The Robin panties are too snug. However did Master Richard survive all this time in them?
Bruce: Try to do a backflip, and we'll see if this works.
Alfred: Master Bruce! Please think of an old man's back!
Bruce: Well, ok, I suppose I could give the costume to Barbara...
30 minutes later...
Bruce: Alfred, be a dear, run a radox bath would you... ow...
Alfred: *evil smirk.*
Bruce: And no comments!
Alfred: Perhaps Miss Selina would care to dress in that travisty of a costume?
Bruce: Hmm....
An hour later:
Bruce, still there: Hmmm....
Two hours later...
Bruce: Hmmm....
Alfred: *Hits him upside the head.*
Bruce: Ow! What was that for?
Alfred: Less fantasizing, more asking her yourself!
An hour later...
Selina: You're giving me a Robin costume. Bruce? Is this another freaky game?
Meanwhile:
Alfred: Yes, it's safe to talk, Master Dick. Master Bruce has gone to give The Costume to Miss Selina.
Dick: Selina? As in Catwoman?! My old costume?
Alfred: The very same, on both counts. I understand his attempt to give it to Miss Barbara went less than spectacularly...
Dick: Whoa... he tried to give my costume to Babs? Hmmmm....
Alfred: *sigh* Like father, like son...
Alfred: *waits an hour and thwaps Dick.*
Dick: Ow!
Alfred: You've daydreamed for an hour--now go!
Dick: An hour? Already? Wow, I only just got here... um, Alfred...
Alfred: No, Master Dick, I don't have a spare costume that can be "borrowed".
Dick: Awww... and how'd you know?
Alfred: I like to think I've picked up a few things in my time here, lad.
Alfred: And remember: I used an axe to break down the door. I still have it. If you don't do as I say, I can become a supervillain for you.
Dick: You're kidding. *is scared*
Alfred: Yes, Sir. Of course, Master Bruce has made me dress up as himself and as Two-Face in the past. Would he notice?
Dick: Probably not. Promise to stay as a force for good?
Alfred: I promise. Now get to the kitchen, young sir! Time for your dinner.
