seandc: (phoenix nightwing)
[personal profile] seandc
Batman? Easily possessed? Never?
Anna1: Oh, and since Batman was possessed so often...
Oh, ok...


Context Free Theatre Presents - Batman, Possessed.

Batman: *eyes start glowing.*
Superman: Guys? He's possessed again!
Diana: Who is it this time?
Superman: Who knows? It could be Elmo, for all we know!
Diana: Have you asked him?
Superman: D'oh!

Later, on the JLA Watchtower...
Batman: Is this a test? What are all these forms?
J'onn: You must fill out this paperwork, telling all the times you've been possessed, and whom it was by.
Batman: Is that all? Just a few hundred.
J'onn: In triplicate.
Batman: *horrified look.* *facepalm.*
Batman: Why do I have to fill these out? Why not Hal Jordan? Who knows who he is today!
J'onn: You are the only one who has set a world record for possession. And Hal was only possessed twice. (Does it ever feel like Batman can't win? :lol:)
Batman: Can I finish this at home?
J'onn: I don't see why not. Just try not to get possessed by the time you finish--or I will make you fill out more forms.
Batman: *facepalm.*
J'onn: Alfred has been informed of this. He will tell me of any strange incidents.
Diana, helpfully: We've had to leave a camera crew with him, just to make sure we get everything!
Batman: Will they know about the Batcave?
Diana: Don't worry--once they're done we'll mindwipe them.
Batman: Oh, good...

Later...
Batman: *floating above his bed, testing out a new gadget that will enable him to not be carried by people who can fly.*
Alfred, radioing: Master J'onn? He's possessed again.
Batman: No, I'm not! I swear I'm not! I'm just testing a new invention!
J'onn: Invention? You're flying.
Batman: And? I'm a Phoenix, we fly.
Alfred: And that explains the device, does it, sir?
Batman: Yes - it's backup, and keeps other fliers away from me.
Superman: How so?
Batman: Permit me to demonstrate... I'll need a volunteer from the audience... *summons Nightwing telepathically*
*Nightwing and Superman arrive at the same time*
Batman: Not you this time old friend... Nightwing, try to intercept me.
*Nightwing flies towards Batman... is thrown back forcefully, manifesting a large Phoenix as he tumbles*
Alfred: You just wanted the extra visual effect, didn't you?
Batman: Yes.
Alfred: *walks away, muttering something about a drama queen.*
J'onn: Ah, we had forgotten about the Phoenix. Add that to the list. In triplicate. *evil grin.*
Batman: NOOOOO!!!
Superman: Gee, thanks, J'onn. We may have caused him to turn into Dark Phoenix.
J'onn: Think so?
Superman: Universe destroyed. Humanity in ruins. The cause? Too much paperwork! *Hits J'onn upside the head.*
Batman, appearing behind them, slightly hairfirey: rasser frassen paperwork mutter mumble forms rhubarb rhubarb dire deeds due revenge *evilgrin*
J'onn: Eep. Um... have a cookie...
Batman: Oh, ta! *scarifying forgotten*

Meanwhile:
Nightwing: rasser frassen demonstration mutter mumble thrown across room rhubarb rhubarb extra effect...
Oracle: *pats his shoulder* Well, you did have the most impressive effects there... have some icecream...
Dick: Oh, ta! *stops muttering, takes icecream only for it to melt* Hey!
Babs: *ahem* Hair-fire...
Dick: Oh yeah...
Babs: *writes a note to Alfred.* "The cure for Dark Phoenix is cookies and ice cream."
Alfred: *reads.* Thank you, Madam. This will be helpful...unfortunately, I shall never leave the kitchen.

Babs: *also calls the JLA, with same message*
Clark: Ooh! Shiny! Thanks Ba...Oracle! *pulls out his notebook and notes this little factoid down*
J'onn: As long as we keep stocked up on ice cream, Bruce should be fine.
Superman: And as long as you stop the paperwork!
J'onn: This is true as well. Although it will make our newest member very unhappy...
Hermes Conrad: Great anteater of Santa Anita! Why have all my forms stopped coming? I need forms to show we're working here, people!
Everyone: *ignores him.*
Bruce: Not as bad as some members I've seen...G'nort, for instance...*walks away.*
Superman: And as long as you don't stop eating Chocos, you'll be fine, too. You stop, your craving jumps ship, and we have to deal with it.
J'onn: That was one time!
Superman: Remember Ice? She craved Seals! Guy wanted his mommy! Imagine what a Phoenix would want!
J'onn: I see your point. Pardon me, while I stock up on Chocos!

30 minutes later...
Superman: Um, J'onn? Hermes wants to know...
J'onn: Can't talk. Eating. Avoiding cravings. Having visions of what might happen if a Phoenix got cravings. Several universes worth. Planets and adventures and eating and...
Supes: I get it! Don't eat them all at once, or you'll spoil your dinner.
J'onn: Yes, dad.
Superman: You're older than me. That shouldn't be as good as I think it is.
Bruce: *sees J'onn shovelling in food. Is stunned.* I'm glad I never invited you to the Manor. You would eat everything of Alfred's and not be full!
J'onn: Am full! Just avoiding cravings...must...keep..eating...*hand shakes, since it's killing him to eat this much.*
Bruce: J'onn, stop! Your cravings won't jump if you hold off just a little bit.
J'onn: Have *you* seen what happens if a Phoenix gives in?
Bruce: Of course I have. Phoenix lessons 101.
J'onn: Not that. Not her. Not entirely. It's all of them... As many cravings as there are Phoenixes.
Bruce: Even...
J'onn: Yes!
Bruce: What about...
J'onn: YES!!
(Dick, elsewhere: My ears are burning!)
Bruce: J'onn... put them down... get some rest.
J'onn: Can't. Must continue...
Bruce: *flames erupt* J'onnnnnn...
J'onn: I'll be good.
Bruce: Don't make me turn Dark Phoenix because you wouldn't stop eating!
J'onn: Yes, Sir. *Runs to his room.*
Superman: Well, at least that worked.
Bruce: *eyes flash* Barely. There isn't more paperwork for me, is there?
Superman: No, of course not! You're safe...please don't kill me?
Bruce: Hmmmm...
Clark: Eep.
Bruce: You're all so easy! I was playing you all the whole time - I wasn't really going to Phoenix out... although lack of paperwork does improve my mood...
Clark: Will wonders never cease?
Bruce: Har har...
Clark: Should I be afraid?
Bruce: Probably. After all, I am Batman.
Clark: If you ever switched bodies with someone as Phoenix, would that person get your powers, or would it switch bodies with you?
Bruce: Care for an experiment?
Clark: Only if the other person is Alfred. That would be safer.
Bruce: Yes, it didn't bother him to switch bodies before...
Clark: He's done it before?!
Bruce: Deadman practically has a season pass...
Clark: Really?
Bruce: Yeah. He likes Alfred's body. Of course, he also likes to possess me and mess with everyone's minds...
Clark: So, it's the Bat Family tradition to get possessed a lot?
Bruce: Pretty much. Remind me to tell you about the time I was turned into a vampire.
Clark: What?!
Bruce: Yes... it happened back in the old country, and I was a callow youth who paid absolutely no heed to the...
Clark: You're not going to claim to be Angel from the tv, are you?
Bruce:....
...no...
Clark: You're not a TV character, so stop it!
Bruce: Oh, look. There goes the 4th wall...
Clark: Huh?
Bruce: Never mind.

Clark: It would be really scary, if The Joker possessed you. Then, he would have access to the Phoenix powers.
Bruce: He ruled the universe once after stealing someone's powers. Don't give him any ideas.
*Dick and Babs appear*
Dick: I heard that through the Phoenix connection! Don't ever say those things, Superman!
Clark: I'm sorry...
Babs: I should hope so... even I felt it through the other mes who became Phoenixes...
*flashback: a shiver runs through the White Hot Room*
Clark: I said I'm sorry...
Dick: Good!
Babs: Just remember that in future... otherwise...
Clark: Eep.
Bruce: So, they're all ganging up on you now? Good!
Clark: Should I be scared?
Dick: Oh, yeah. Especially since there's a Phoenix Babs out there!
Clark: Eep.
Babs, brightly: Two, at least!
Clark: *holds up cartoonish sign saying "Uh-oh"*
Bruce: Stop that! Or I'll have to start counting the readers, and I haven't appeared in a splash page for Cable and Deadpool yet. Hmmmm...
Babs: *sigh* Again, you've *met* one of the other mes, you liked her!
Bruce: That's right, you have met the other Babs. What was your reason for liking her again?
Clark: She didn't roll over my feet like our world's Babs?
Bruce: That's right. And are you going to take that, Babs?
Babs: Nope. *Rolls over feet, with Kryptonite wheels.*
Clark: Owwwww...
Babs: I hadn't planned on doing that... just threatening... but then... ah!
Clark: The other one was funny... too. Also funny. Hail Oracle! *jumps up on windowstill*
Babs: Nice try, keep remembering that.
Bruce: Mweh heh heh... so easy.

Dick: You're sure you're not Dark Phoenix at the moment.
Bruce: Positive. Is my costume red? Am I eating stars?
Dick: No....just checking.
Clark: Even when you're not Dark Phoenix, you're still evil! *Flies away before he's killed.*
Bruce: *rolls his eyes.*
Dick: Mmmm... stars...
Babs: *swats his arm* Don't *you* start!
Dick: Of course not! :angel:
Babs: *snerk* Smartypants! Looks like I'll just have to keep you two in line! Watch for signs of evilness...or just thwap you for extra brooding.
Dick: Eep.
Bruce: Fun. Look what you've done, Dick.
Dick: Ex-cuse me? Extra brooding? I think this call's for you.
Bruce: You could become a champion brooder yourself if you put your heart into it!
Dick: Do you really want me to sit in the corner and pout? Because you know that's what will happen.
Babs: Enough, you too! Don't make me start a time-out!
Bruce: He started it...
Dick: HEY!
Babs: AH! Enough! If you're not scared of me (and you should be!) perhaps you'll listen to... Alfred!
Dick: But his note said he wasn't leaving the kitchen again...

Meanwhile: The main hall...
Alfred: *is practising juggling apples while on a unicycle*
*Bruce walks in to check on him.*
Bruce: Wow. *walks back out.* DICK!
Dick: Yeah?
Bruce: Peek in, and look at what Alfred's doing.
Dick: *Does so.* Our own circus! *runs inside, and proceeds to juggle.*
Babs: Now, look what you've done!

Later...
Bruce: *stares at where they've set up a trapeze.* You were right, I was wrong! I get it, Babs!
Dick: Ahhh, it's been too long... and yet it feels so much easier than ever before...
Babs: That's because you can fly, silly...
Dick: Oh, yeah. Forgot!
Bruce: *Rolls his eyes.*
Alfred: *watches, amused* And to think--it all started because I wanted to juggle in private...
Tim: Since when has there ever been privacy around here?
Alfred: Indeed, Master Tim. Wait, how long have you been here?
Tim: Just long enough to prove my point, Alf. *munches an apple*
Bruce: We're sure he doesn't have any powers?
Babs: Positive. He's just like a miniature version of you!
Bruce: *Glares.*
Tim: *Mini-glares*
Babs: See what I mean?
Bruce/Tim: *glare at each other.*
Dick: *tries not to giggle.*

Dick: *whispers something to Babs between giggles*
Babs: Well, Dinah mightn't like it, but ok...
Bruce/Tim: *looking at them in askance*
Dick: *concentrates to use his powers on another, and...*
Tim: *looks down at costume, which now has a bird on it* HEY!
Dick: There ya go, mini-Bruce... you are now matches and life incarnate... you are... Canary!
Tim: I'm Canary in an alternate universe. Please don't give me the fuzzy underwear!
Everyone: *Stares*
Tim: It's true! I checked!
Bruce: I...think the costume was better before. Currently getting scary images. *Changes Tim's costume back to normal.*
Tim: Thanks.
Dick: Woo! My changes didn't stay long, but at least I've given scary mental images! My work here is done!
Bruce: And a fascinating work it is!
Alfred: Sarcasm, Sir?
Bruce: Yes...it would be frightening if some of the alternate reality costumes came true...
Babs: Think of Selina!
Everyone: *Shudders.*
Bruce: Hey, that tiger costume wasn't that bad... apart from the ears. Those were weird...
Babs: Not *that* costume...
Bruce: Oh. Oh! You had to remind me...
Babs: Of course!
Bruce: The horror...
Dick: The tears...
Everyone: The ugliness!
Bruce: The tiger costume was prettier...
Dick: Argh! Stop thinking so loud about that costume, Bruce!
Bruce: Heh. You know that saying about payback? I'm the Fred. :P *evil laugh*
Dick: You're *positive* he's not evil?
Babs: I'm sure. This is his normal creepy self.

(If you don't get the Fred reference, you'll need to find a copy of the Angel episode "Supersymmetry" - that's it for now, so you've got plenty of time!)

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