seandc

In the time before the Phoenix, a collective name for the stories, or even any continuity, we have The Context Free Archives!

Context Free Archives presents: Bat-Lister!

July 12th - Flashbacks aren't corny... unless they're in cornfields...

Clark: I'm having a flashback.
Bruce: NOT AGAIN!
Clark: Remember the corn fields? Ahh...
Bruce: I'm sick of your corn filled flashbacks!
J'onn: They are no longer amusing for me to me, either.
Bruce: He's done them around you?
J'onn: I'm a telepath. I see them even when he doesn't go on and on about Kansas! He's worse than Chekov!
Supes: Vait! Vhat are you saying? Something about nuclear wessels?
J'onn: Aaaarggh!
Bruce: Now THAT is amusing.
J'onn: You're a Star Trek fan?
Bruce: *evil grin* Yes. Blame Alfred for it.
Superman: We can bond! We have something in common!
Bruce: I don't think so.
J'onn: Oh, you walked right into that one...
Bruce: *Shoves a cross in his face--made of Kryptonite.*
Superman: What's that for?
Bruce: You're crazy. I've fought vampires before, and decided to make this in case you became one. Two purposes.
J'onn: They're all crazy. And they save the world every week? *walks away shaking his head.*
Alfred: The Earth is doomed...
Superman: But I'm not a vampire!
Bruce: I've always wanted to shove a cross in your face. Too many vampire movies?
Alfred: Sir, if you're through dooming the Earth, lunch is ready.
Bruce: What is it?
Alfred: Your favorite in case of vampire attack. Garlic soup.
*mumbling* Master Bruce is mad.
Bruce: Brilliant, guy... that'll go nicely with my vindaloo sarnies!

Later that night:
Batman: *breathes on bad guys, gets immediate surrenders*
Joker: Whew! Bad breath! What is that--garlic?!
Batman: There's an alternate reality where we're vampires. Just taking precautions. It's garlic and sardines. And onions.
Joker: Want to call the fight on account of foul odor?
Batman: Sure. Same time next week?
Joker: Of course!

J'onn: *returns* Ick. Alfred, would you happen to have any cookies?
Alfred: But of course. I keep them stocked for Master Dick. Chocos?
J'onn: I love you! *gives into the addiction.*
Alfred: *opens cupboard* Curry? Curry... curry... curry... *opens more cupboards* vindaloo sauce.... oh smeg, what's he smegging done?
J'onn: Sorry, I ate everything in the cupboards, and replaced it with curry.
Batman: And I ate all the onions, garlic, and sardines.
Alfred: You two will be the death of me. And you! Master Bruce! Don't come within 10 feet of me!
Batman: Are you mad at me?
Alfred: No, the smell will kill me. Go breathe on Superman!
Batman: But won't it kill him?
Alfred: He's been dead before! He'll come back next week.
What do you think happened in Manhattan?

(flashback to New X-Men 150)
Cyclops: Jean, get out of there, before he...
Xorneto: *sneezes, breathes out*
Jean: GAAAaaaccckkk...
Cyclops: Jean! NOOOOOOOOOOOoooo
Jean: She burns it all away, but not as badly as this....

Context Free Archives presents: Surprise? Not Likely

July 15th - How to tell if Batman's free of possession? A case of seeing that
"He's morbid and creepifying again, it's really him!" :lol:
Or...

Gordon: Batman? Clown demon? Who are you?
Batman: OW. What? I'm Batman, of course.
Gordon: Headache?
Batman: Yeah.
Gordon: Sorry about that. I hit you over the head with a potted plant...and a shovel...and a crowbar...and a gun...
Batman: *stares* Concussion?
Gordon: Kidding. That's just post-possession hangover.
Batman: *stares* It has a name?!
Gordon: Kidding again! It's just a normal hangover - we had to slip a little something into your food... *holds up empty bottle of rotgut*
Batman: I never drink. This explains so much.
Gordon: Yeah...we never expected that it would make you dance on tables.
Batman: Really? I did?!
Gordon: Yep.
Batman: Alfred will kill me.
Gordon: Oh, yeah. Your friends are here: Nightwing, Batgirl, and a few others. They saw it all.
Batman: Oh, no.
Babs: Oh YES! *holds up camera*

Batman: *stares* I can kill you with my brain.
Babs: Is he still drunk?
Gordon: Maybe a little. That, or possessed.
Nightwing: Nope. His eyes aren't glowing, so he must still be slightly drunk.

Batman: Seriously...
Gordon: Now, mei-mei...
Batman: Time for a little revenge. Gordon? Batgirl is really your daughter!
Gordon: Yeah, I've known for years.
Batman: Aww. I wanted to stun you.
Cass: Daddy! :D
Batman: Err...sorry, Cassie.
Gordon: She is?
Batman: Not her--the first one. Babs.

Batman: *sigh* I need to find an orphan named Luke.
Gordon: Why? So you can say "Luke, I am your father?"
Batman: Pretty much.
Gordon: You're insane.
Batman: I'm dressed like a bat. You only just figured it out?!

Context Free Archives presents: Drunk!

July 17th - What could possibly happen in a little talk of costumes and names?

Anna1: Just The Reaper. Presumably, he's supposed to be the Grim Reaper, since he has a scythe for hands. (They just cover his hand. He also has a gun built into it, in case the scythe is taken away.)
SeanDC: Oh, that's practical - "Oh, I just have an itch on my nose... AAAAHHHHH!!!"

Batman: No more nose. Ouch.
Gordon: What did you do to him? Decide to become a ninja, and use a katana on his nose?
Batman: Actually....I am a ninja. And noses are better dealt with by shuriken.
Gordon: Was...that a joke?
Batman: Yes, and not a good one.
Gordon: You should stick to being a quiet guy who lurks in the shadows and terrifies the bad guys. You're better at that.
Batman: But I still terrify the bad guys! See? Isn't he terrified?
Gordon: Ah! Batman! Stop! That's not a bad guy, that's my secretary!
Batman: But...isn't she a villanous secretary? She's scared!
Gordon: Wouldn't you be scared if a guy in a cape and cowl suddenly appeared behind you? Oh, wait, look who I'm talking to...
Batman: I didn't appear behind her! *This* is appearing *BAMF!* behind her! :D
Gordon: Enough with the astounding entrances!
Batman: You don't like them?
Gordon: They're nice--the first dozen times! Besides, it's more fun when you suddenly appear in my office--right next to me, as I'm trying to write something.
Batman: *mutters* They could've been *astonishing* entrances, but noooo... (Nightcrawler for AXM!)
Gordon: *pats his shoulder* I know you're insane. But you're also good at catching bad guys.
Batman: *confused stare*
Gordon: It's why I don't throw you in Arkham.
Batman: That and the slashers scare me...

Gordon: Who did they slash you with? With me, it was just you.
Batman: If you really have to know?
Gordon: I do. Who?
Batman: You, Nightwing, Robin, Joker, Two-Face, Alfred *shudder*, Superman, Flash, Aquaman, Martian Manhunter, and a ton of others who I just can't think of because of the horror.
Gordon: *horrified stare.* You poor man. *hugs him.*
Batman: *Whispers* This isn't one of those stories...it's just a comforting hug?
Gordon: Yes, you weirdo. You need help. Especially since you can name *The Joker* and yet have others too horrifying to name...
Batman: The Joker--when he's in a good mood! You want horrifying? Try Robin II!
Gordon: You weren't kidding when you said worse.
Batman: There probably are others I've forgotten. A few villains I haven't seen in years. They probably started writing to increase the scope of their evil.
Gordon: I stand corrected. You weren't paranoid before. But you definitely are now.
Batman: Oh, I've got loads more, for instance...
Gordon: Argh! Nooooooo! I don't want to have this conversation sober!
*sculls bottle of whiskey*
Batman: Well, I don't want to think of it sober, either! *Drinks half the bottle.*
Gordon: You do realize that you'll be needed and you'll be drunk.
Batman: Don't bet on it....wanna bet $100?
Gordon: Sure.

An hour later....
Gordon: Now we jusht need shumone to turn on that... thingy... SHIGNAL! Oh wait... *I*iii can turn on the shignal!
Batman: No need to *hic* turn on the shignal, ol' buddy, ol' pal... ol'... you know... you know... you're my besht friend, maaaate....
*JLA watch beeps.*
Gordon: Ya owe me $100....
Batman: *Gives him $1000--written as a check from Bruce Wayne. Staggers away.*
Gordon: Ha! Knew it...

*They ignore the call, and start playing with the Bat Signal.* :lol:

Superman: *gets teleported in, since nobody answered the phone.*
Batman: *hangs over part of the Bat Signal, since he lost another bet.* *Does shadow puppets.*
Superman: What are you doing?!
Batman: Making bunny ears...whatchu doin'?
Superman: Are...you drunk?
Gordon: No no no nononononono. Yesh.
Superman: Should I...or shouldn't I? Yeah, I'll get J'onn.
Gordon: He'sh the besst friend ever!
Superman: Definitely drunk. *Batman hugs him.* So far gone he's going to be very ill tomorrow....

*phone rings*
J'onn: Hellodiodli!
Superman: J'onn, it's...
J'onn: SHUUUUUUPPPEEEESSSSHHH!! Where ya been? Waitaminit, I'lla be there innaninshtant....

J'onn: Sorry about that. I've been reading the mind of a person named Ned Flanders. Did you get to the bottom of the problem, Superman? Superman?
*Superman is digging himself out of the two people hugging him.*
Superman: Sorry, J'onn. We seem to have a booze drinking, and hugging incident. Between....Commissioner Gordon and Batman.
J'onn: Did I hear you correctly?
Superman: *Sighs* Just read my mind.
J'onn: Oh, dear. Shall I send for Alfred to pick him up? Or just let you bring him up here?
Superman: I'll fly him there and then Alfred can put Gotham's Finest into a nice comfy *secure* bed...
Batman: Bed? Bed's for sleepy people! Let'sh grab a kebab and go to a dishco! (If anyone recognises the line, yes, word for word Gary's line in a little Men Behaving Badly ep called "Drunk")
Gordon: And do the Batusi!
Batman: YES! *Does a little dance while the Justice League looks on in horror.*
Wonder Woman: What's going on in here---Great Hera! The Apocalypse is upon us!

Apocalyse: Mwahahaha! Mine is an evil laugh! *zap!*
Superman: Wrong universe! And it's metaphorical apocalypse, not you!
*Apocalypse leaves. Nobody notices.* (Awww... poor Apocalypse)

Batman: Him, too...
Gordon: ARGH!
Batman: Ignore them! Let's dance the waltz!
Gordon: Ok!
*Justice League stares--Superman calls for back up--in this case, Nightwing, Batgirl, Robin, and Alfred.*

Meanwhile:
Apocalypse: *mutter mumble think they're so great razzer frazzen* Hey, what's happened to the normal universe?
Roma: A reality tidal wave, breaking down all that is, and we can't stop it...
Apocalypse: Sounds fun, I'll watch.
Saturnine and Captain UK: *throw wrenches at him while trying to repair the delete-universes-device* (Yeah, this was written when House of M broke out - it's been a handy plot device)

Elsewhere:
Babs: Iamnotseeingthisiamnotseeingthis...
Superman: See, by your reaction you are seeing this. Oracle, help?
Oracle: AAHH!! *cuts channel*
Nightwing: Now look what you've done with your drinking, you've broken Oracle! *swings off to help*

Meanwhile, back at the Watchtower....
*shortly after Nightwing and everyone gets there.*
Alfred: Master Bruce is...having fun!
Nightwing: Scary, huh?
Alfred: Does an old man's heart proud! Even if he must be drunk to have fun. At least he's smiling!
Tim: Someone? Please hold me, I'm scared.
Cass: *holds Tim* They are... disturbing.
Tim: *allows her to carry him away.*
Nightwing: That's something you don't see everyday.
Alfred: Ah, young love.
Nightwing: Alfie, no offense. You're getting creepy!
Alfred: No offence to yourself, former-Robin, but don't you yourself have a former-Batgirl to go and help? *eyetwinkle*
Nightwing: Err...no comment, and that's scary. You're more all-seeing than Oracle.
Alfred: What's scary is the way Master Bruce is watching us. Perhaps he is considering hugging us to death--judging by the huge grin.
Batman: *giggles a lot.*
Nightwing: I stand corrected, Alfie. You're not creepy--him having a giggle fit is creepy!
Alfred: Go, Master Dick, quickly! I'll cover your exit!
Nightwing: *runs away*
Batman: Dick and Babs-y sittin' inna tree... hehehehehe

*Batman catches up--even swaying, and drunk he's mostly fast.*
Nightwing: You're going to hate yourself in the morning....and so will the Commissioner.
Batman: Don't be a scaredy-cat...I just wanna tickle!

Other side of the Watchtower...
Superman: You're sure he's not possessed?
*watches as Batman runs past them.*
J'onn: I am sure. *hears a crash* Just very, very drunk.

The next morning....
*Flash and the others have decided to play with Bruce and Jim, after hearing yet another rant about slash from them. They are placed in bed.*
Batman: Oooh, my aching head! *Rolls over, sees Jim.*
Gordon: *Wakes up and turns to Batman.*
Both: *Loudest scream ever.*
Flash, Plas, et al: *uproarious laughter*
Gordon: What happened last night?!
Batman: I seem to remember a bottle--or 10--of scotch, a bottle of vodka, and playing jokes on Nightwing. You?
Gordon: I remember you dancing the Batusi.
Batman: What?!
Flash: *from the other room.* Yeah, and you two danced a waltz together! *Runs away.*
Gordon: THe Batusi.
Batman: I... I didn't... me? Dancing?
Gordon: Yes.
Batman: I bet it isn't a... *presses comm* Oracle?
Gordon: Don't bother, she isn't answering for some reason.
Batman: I seem to recall her screaming that she was scarred for life. I don't know why.
Gordon: Call Superman. Or Nightwing.
Batman: *calls Nightwing.* He isn't answering.
*Superman walks in.*
Superman: That's because he's here.
Gordon: By the way, you lost your mask at some point last night...Bruce Wayne!
Batman: Oh, no!
Gordon: Oh, yes! And if that wasn't proof enough, I still have the check you wrote me! Even if you did sign it as Benjamin Franklin...
Batman: (to Superman) He is?
Superman: Yes, but he's... not exactly dressed for company...
Gordon: Go on...
Superman: Well, Barbara said she needed a Counselor, so...
Batman: *horrified.* *stares at Jim.*
Gordon: I all ready knew. She used to be Batgirl, I figured it out years ago.
Superman: And Cass and Tim...
Batman: My children! No!
Gordon: *horrified stare as mental gears turn*
Batman: Well, not related by marriage or anything, or even blood. Just...sort of...adopted. But not really.
Gordon: You mean, *they're* dressed up as Counselor Troi too?
Batman: Now, *I'm* scarred for life.
Superman: Want someone to remove the memory?
Batman: NO, I'd rather not be mind-wiped--for probably the 5th time.