seandc

Because the Batclan doesn't like to be kept quiet, we're back with another round of Context Free Theatre - and sometimes I get the feeling that

calliopes_pen doesn't like furbies!

Context Free Vignettes presents - Night of the Furby!

Anna1: In some places Furby's were banned because they might record confidential conversations. *facepalm.* On I Love The 90's they said they thought Furby's were possessed by demons. :lol:
SeanDC: So that's why you staked your whole town's supply? :lol:
Anna1: Let's just say it was considered.

Imagine Batman being given one...
Way ahead of you - my mind went there as soon as you said "record confidential conversations"

Gordon: *Shines the Batsignal*
Batman: Yes? What is it?
Gordon: I have a gift for you--a Furby! May it drive you as insane as it's driven me...
Batman: Thank you--I think.

Later...
Batman: Stop--talking! *throw it at the bats--it kills a few.*
Alfred: Master Bruce? Whatever is the matter?
Batman: It's evil! Kill it with fire! *lights a match*
Alfred: *wrestles him to the ground.* Stop this madness.
Bruce: That's what I'm *trying* to do! The furby must die!
Alfred: Furby? That adorable little toy over there?
Furby: *sits innocently, showing no sign of any cameras or sound recorders*

Furby: *speak gibberish for a moment.*
Alfred: It is just a toy, Master Bruce.
Furby: *eyes follow Batman and glares an evil look. Glowing red.*
Bruce: It's evil! *runs and hides behind chair.*
Alfred: It's a gift from Miss Barbara.
Bruce: See?! I told you it's evil!!
Alfred: Miss Barbara did say it was beginning to scare her...
Bruce: *thinks and gets an evil grin.*
Alfred: *glances at the Furby and sees glowing eyes. Quickly looks away and pretends he saw nothing.*
Bruce: I'll give it to Dick...

Later:
Dick: *finds a mysterious package on doorstep. opens it, reads card, runs away screaming and jumps into Babs's lap terrified*
Babs: What on earth has gotten into you?
Dick: On the doorstep! Glowing eyes! Present! Card! Don't go out there!! *leaps away to hide upstairs*
Babs: He's being very strange lately *rolls over to door and picks up card* "To Dick, from, a Friend - FM"
...
...
I don't believe he fell for this...

Babs: Dick? Come back down! There's nothing to fear!
Dick: *hides where he thinks she won't find him.*
Babs: Are you hiding in my closet again?
Dick: Yeah...*sheepishly crawls out.*
Babs: *Tosses him the Furby.*
Dick: *Screams.*
Babs: Dickie.. relax! This is the same Furby I gave to Bruce.
Dick: You mean he's giving me something that was given to him first?
Babs: Yes. I intend to have words...
Furby: *growls.*
Babs: I believe I see the reason for his giving us this little "gift."
Dick: *whimpers.*
Babs: Oh, just go back to your spot in the closet if you're so scared.
Dick: *Does so.* *Whispers* Bane, scoot over!
Bane: I'm scooted! I'm scooted! You think you're the only one scared of her, little one?
PhoenixBabs: Heck, she's me, and I'm scared!
Dick: Get out of here before you burn this universe's Babs' clothes!
PhoenixBabs: Whoops *Goes to her own dimension.*
Dick: It worked! *His pants turn into a skirt.*
Bane: But you got her mad, boy!
Dick: *facepalm.*

A universe away...
PhoenixBabs: I thirst for chaos!!
Jason: Great, we had a friendly version, and old-guard had to mess her up!
Tim: Quit talking, just keep dodging!
PBabs: *returns to normal* Psych!!
Tim: I have an idea...*throws Furby at her, which sticks with glue.*
PBabs: Yeargh! *flees to really her own dimension.*
Jason: Good job kiddo!

Elsewhere...
Babs: Where did that Furby go?
Dick: *Sobs in a corner of the closet, rocking*
Bane: What is the matter?
Dick: That's just the beginning of every bad horror movie!
Babs: No, the beginning of every bad horror movie is a bunch of *bleep* flash ads and popups all over the web, so many appearing until you just wanna... ARGH!
Helena: *pushes Dick out, whispers* It's up to you, hero.
Dick: *pats Babs's shoulder* There there... there there... Poor thing. I was thinking of Puppet Masters...
Babs: What do you think I am?!
Dick: An all powerful Oracle who knows everything?
Babs: You got that right boyo! *rolls over Helena.*
Helena: Ow! What was that for?
Babs: Any future insults...
Bane: How did you get your wheelchair in here and into running-over position?
Babs: My house, my willpower.
Dick: Don't question it. Life's a lot simpler that way.

Dick: Maybe it's a magically bigger closet than it should be?
Babs: Well, Jason Blood once lived here...
Dick: That explains it then!
Babs: That was in the 30s. In the 60s there was another unusual tenant...
Flashback...
Officer Gordon: So, you say your name is...
Man: Didn't. Most people find it easier to just call me The Doctor. Would you like a jelly baby? (yeah, I know, I'm mixing up at least three Doctors)

In the present...
Everyone: *stares at Babs*
Helena: Uh, Babs? You still with us?
Dick: She's been silent for 10 minutes. Want to make a break for it?
Babs: *slaps Dick* You were doing so well too...
Dick: *rubs cheek* She's fine. And I've added another injury to my collection...

Elsewhere...
Alfred: I haven't heard back from Miss Barbara, Master Bruce. Shall I invite her to lunch? So you shall see if she has been driven mad?
Bruce: Yes...we'll see how well she stood against the ultimate enemy...
Alfred: Master Bruce--it's JUST A FURBY!!!! *slaps him upside the head.*
Bruce: Ow! Stop that!
Alfred: "FM"? "Ultimate enemy?" *raises eyebrow*
Bruce: Don't underestimate them, Alfred. They may look small and cute, but so does The Atom, and you don't want to get him mad.
Alfred: What would he do?
Bruce: Oh, get in your bloodstream and stop your heart...*lists a few dozen things*
Alfred: Oh. But surely Miss Barbara has a worse temper?
Bruce: *flashback of all the times she's been mad.*

20 minutes later...
Alfred: Master Bruce? You still with us?
Bruce: What? Oh, yes! She does indeed.
Alfred: You had me worried there for a moment, sir.
Bruce: Tell me about it. For a moment I felt I was living Dick's life...

Meanwhile...
Dick: Ow! Why are you hitting me?!
Babs: Somewhere, you just know Bruce is insulting me!
Dick: How do you know that?! *pillow hits him in the face.*
Babs: I have my ways...
Dick: And I love you for them!
Helena: *peeks out* Oooh pillow fight. Gentlebeings, I think we should leave these two lovebirds to it...
Dick: But I don't have a pillow!
Bane: Here you go, young one! *hands over pillow*
Dick: Thanks! Now who's going to be pillowed? *chases Babs as she runs off laughing*
Jean-Paul: *stands there, speculatively, occasionally looking at Helena*
Helena: *slaps him* No, I'm *not* getting involved. Now come on...
Jean-Paul: awwww... *follows anyway* But I'm presumed dead! Do I have to go?!
Helena: Yes! I'm taking you to Batman!
Jean Paul: You know he's Bruce Wayne?!
*stunned silence*
Jean Paul: D'oh!
Bane: Say it a little louder, Azrael. I don't think they heard you IN METROPOLIS!!
Clark: *flies up* I heard! *flies off*
Jean Paul: *Shrugs* Sorry...
Helena: That creep is Batman?!
Bane: Now let's drag her away while she's in shock!
*Bane and Azrael take Huntress to the cave.*
Huntress: You're Bruce Wayne?!
Bruce: *facepalm.*
Alfred: *raises eyebrow.* Another one knows? *Marks a name off the list.*
Bruce: *looks at Azrael.* Wait a minute. Aren't you dead?!
Helena: Secrets are being revealed everywhere tonight...

Star City:
Tim: Did you know that Huntress...

Gotham:
Helena: My ears are burning...
Bruce: *raises eyebrow.*
Helena: Ignore me. I'll just snoop.
Bruce: *watches* Have fun--I guess.
Helena: *to Alfred* So...he has multiple personalities?
Alfred: You have to ask?
Bruce: *lurks behind them*
Alfred: Oh, do stop that Master Bruce!
Bruce: *goes to sulk in the corner.*
Helena: I can see where Dick gets it...
Helena: You live in a cave.
Bruce: *to Azrael.* You aren't dead.*
Jean Paul: Nope.
Bruce: Where were you?
Jean Paul: In a closet with Helena and Bane...
Bruce: Ask a stupid question...*wanders away.*
Alfred: Don't try to think about it, Master Bruce. Since when have our lives been normal?
Jean Paul: *snickers*
Bruce: I believe that is the understatement of the decade, old friend! So...you three actually lived in a closet?!
Helena: I think we broke him.
Alfred: No, Miss Helena, he was broken before you arrived. Twas the Furby that did it.
Jean-Paul: Barbara will be most disappointed it took that long....
Alfred: Where are Miss Barbara and Master Dick? I invited them to dinner.
Helena: Ooh, you cook? I want him!
Alfred: *ignores her*
Jean Paul: They were having a pillow fight last I checked.
Alfred: Horrific manners. And to think I raised the boy!
Bruce: *ahem*
Alfred: And to think I raised the boy!
Bruce: *grumble*
Helena: At least they were laughing while they did it...
Alfred: As per Master Bruce's orders, wouldst thou wish for a meal?
Helena: If that means you'll feed me, lead the way!
Bruce: *smirks*

Context Free Vignettes presents The Peril of High Speed Cooking

5 seconds after eating...
Wally: I'm hungry.
Batman: You just ate the entirety of the refrigerator!
Wally: More food!
Batman: Alfred, start cooking!
Alfred: I quit!
Bruce: Sorry, everyone! Alfred quit! All there is, is Life Cereal.
Random woman: What?! Well, I'm leaving.
Everyone else: We only came for his cooking!
Bruce: *Facepalm.*

Bruce: *attempts to cook* *burns the chicken soup.*
Alfred: *watches* That shouldn't be possible.

Later...
Gordon: Why did it take you an hour to answer the signal?
Batman: I was washing dishes.
Gordon: *raised eyebrow*
Batman: And cooking--which led to my putting out the fire in the kitchen. Now I need to replace the curtains.
Gordon: You've been through enough for one night. Go home and rest.
Batman: THANK YOU!!!! *hugs him.*
Gordon: *is frightened.* Just don't try to cook anything!
Batman: Not even make some more icecubes?
Gordon: *gibber* Especially not icecubes! Just call Catwoman--maybe she'll cook for you.
Batman: You know about us?!
Gordon: *shrugs* Doesn't everyone?
Batman: Well, I've been linked with more than a few ladies, and fellas come to that... all part of my double life as Batman and...
Gordon: lalalalalalalalalala I am not listening I am not listening!
Batman: Um... you already know.
Gordon: Oh. Oh yeah.
Batman: But you also hate it when I try to tell you--how do I know that you guessed right?
Gordon: We got drunk one night and you told me.
Batman: Oh. Forgot about that.
Gordon: How did you keep your identity secret for so long?!
Batman: I pretended to be The Flash for three years.
Gordon: *facepalm.*
Batman: But...I couldn't run at superspeed.
Gordon: Nobody noticed?
Batman: Not a one.
Gordon: ...
...
I'm going home. To a nice warm scotch.
Batman: Can I come?
*Nightwing shows up.*
Nightwing: No--he has to kill the Furby!
Batman: Not the Furby! Please--NO!
Gordon: *smirks* Definitely time for scotch.
Batman: No! You've got to help me kill the Furby or get Alfred back!
Nightwing: If you don't, we'll give you the Furby!
Gordon: *pinches self* This is the strangest conversation.
*goes to the door.*
Gordon: Montoya! Get out here--and bring Bullock and some popcorn!
Nightwing: Bullock? Since when was he still on the force?
Allen: Quiet you, we're not following the DCU continunity strictly.
Batman: Hey, breaking the fourth wall is my job!
Nightwing: *tackles Batman--who doesn't fall.*
Batman: Why are you on my back?
Nightwing: I'm taking you to kill the Furby!
Allen: You're right, Jim. This is interesting.
Montoya: Popcorn for everyone!
Stacey: Wow. I don't even need to browse

scans_daily between calls anymore... ah, not that I do...
Everyone: *facepalm*
Tim: *watches with everyone else.* Hey, Allen. Mind if I have some popcorn?
Allen: Here.
Tim: *eats popcorn, and takes pictures for Oracle.*

Context Free Vignettes presents - The Messy Room

Anna1: Oh, someone drew Dick Grayson and Bruce Wayne. Gorgeous fan art. :D Bruce is getting dressed up fancily, Dick slouches around in singlet.
Sean DC: And the question is... what does Dick have written on his hand? And why can't he read it?
Anna1: Maybe the ink smeared?

Bruce: *facepalm.* You should have written that on paper!
Dick: Oh, Yeah. Paper. I should've thought of that.

Or...
Bruce: Where's Alfred?
Dick: Out of town.
Bruce: Oh. That's why the manor is filthy.
Dick: Wouldn't be if you'd pick up your own clothes--and learn to button your shirt!
Bruce: *embarrassed look.*
Dick: This is why I have Babs.
Bruce: She didn't do a very good job.

Elsewhere...
Babs: He's a dead man!

Bruce: She forgot to dress you this morning.
Dick: Hmm? I am dressed.
*knocking at the door.*
Bruce: *goes to answer.*
Dick: That's probably Babs now. Or Alfred--with his butler sense.
Bruce: Doesn't matter. We're dead men either way.
Dick: *stares at rotten state of manor* And he'll kill us all.
Bruce: Think we can sweep it under the rug?
Dick: Only if the rug looking like a hill is normal.
Bruce: *facepalm.*
Dick: Whaddawe DO?!
Bruce: Only one thing we can do, Boy Wonder.
Dick: What's that? And don't call me that.
Bruce: Out through the 'cave, NOW!! *runs*
Dick: *runs too* *hits the wall.*
Bruce: Forgot I had the exit to the cave bricked up. Whoops.
Dick: *Glare of death.*

Dick: Well, we're dead either way.
*door opens*
Dick: When did you put that door in?
Bruce: Alfred must have done it.
Babs: *enters* You're dead. *rolls over feet.*
Bruce: owchies...
Dick: I... er... love ya, darlin', don't wait up! *changes into Phoenix and flies off*
Bruce: Damn! Why didn't I think of that?
Babs: He does it so rarely these days, I think he's trying to make us forget...
Bruce: Hey, he reversed time to make us forget. *shrugs*
Babs: By the way, Bane has left the closet in my apartment.
Bruce: Yeah--when last seen Bane was asleep in an extra room, Jean Paul was mumbling to himself, and Helena was looking through all the weapons.
Babs: You let her loose in the mansion?
Bruce: Yes. Was that a bad idea?

Helena, looking up some geneology stuff: Daddy?

Yeah, we know, Pre-Crisis, but it's more fun this way!
They should bring it back, just to mess with Bruce. :D

Bruce: What? I have a daughter who's two years younger than me?
Helena: I'm not that old! *hits him with a stick.*
Bruce: OW! Who's your mother?!
Helena: Don't you know?!
Bruce: No--ow!--there have been so many girlfriends!
Babs: *watches with amusement.*
A Shadowy Corner: *audible facepalm*
Babs: Hello Cass.
Cass: Hey. That was dumb.
Babs: Yes. Yes it was. Let's watch him dig himself in more.
Cass: Is Alfred around?
Babs: No, why?
Cass: I want to see Alfred kill Bruce for having a child and not knowing.
Babs: *amused smirk.*
Tim: *snickers in darkness.*
Babs: Tim, get out here! You don't have to lurk.
Tim: *sits down next to them to watch.*

Shopping...
Alfred: *sigh* I know *something* must be going on, I have an irresistable urge to buy presents...
Leslie: Is your Butler Sense tingling again?
Alfred: Madam, I am not Spider-Man!
Leslie: *waits*
Alfred: But yes, I sense something.
Leslie: *plans new outfit*
Alfred: Hmmm...something pleasant will happen soon--to rectify the atrocity at the manor.
Leslie: *buys new socks.*
Alfred: *shrugs* I have been wrong before.
Leslie: You thought--
Alfred: *is thwapped.* Ouch, Madam! *is thwapped again for good measure*

Meanwhile...
Bruce: Ow--stop hitting me!
Helena: I stopped hitting you 4 minutes ago.
Bruce: Oh--must be reliving something.
Helena: *to Babs* I'm related to that?
Babs: Who can tell? He's forgotten, but he's a Phoenix. Those family trees are always messed up.

Meanwhile...
Alfred: I believe I shall go home and tidy up.
Leslie: *is going home.*
Alfred: Well, I am talking to myself. I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner.

Later...
Alfred: I'm home! Hello?
Jean-Paul: *wanders through mumbling.*
Alfred: *grabs his shotgun.*
Jean-Paul: Whoa! It wasn't me who messed up the living room!
Alfred: The living room? It's... I see.
Jean-Paul: Just so you know, so not me.
Alfred: Thank you, Master Jean-Paul. Shall we go and have a look?
Jean-Paul: *tags along since it wasn't so much a suggestion as an order*
Alfred: You are sure? Did Azrael do it?
Jean-Paul: No, not him either.
Alfred: You're sure? No hallucinations lately?
Jean-Paul: I said I'm sure! *Runs away to talk to himself alone.*
Alfred: I guess I'll have a look on my own, then...

Alfred: *readies the rifle.*
Bruce: Don't fire!
Alfred: Did you cause the mess?
Dick: *quickly cleans up since he's a Phoenix.* Mess? What mess?
Alfred: The mess you dumped outside! *opens the door.*
Bruce: *facepalm.*
Dick: *quickly picks up mess and dumps it elsewhere* Better?
Alfred: Much. For now.
Dick: Eep.
Alfred: Although the police whose station you dumped all that stuff on might be a tad vexed.
Dick: Oops...

Gordon: Why is it raining garbage? I picked today of all days to visit?!
Renee: Not again! First the ping pong balls, and now this!
Cris: *watches cold pizza and half-eaten heavy-on-mayo-and-vinegar sandwich fall* You wanna file this as evidence?
Renee: Nah.
Cris: It'll make a nice mouldy surprise for Corrigan.
Renee: *evilgrins*
Cris: I knew you'd say that.
Renee: Two-Face must be behind this.
Cris: Is the trash falling by two?
Renee: No...
Cris: Then it's not him.
Jim: This is how you figured out who did it? Things have gone insane since I retired!
Cris: Why are you here?
Jim: I don't know! Probably my daily visit with Batman--but it's raining trash so that's cancelled.

Context Free Vignettes presents - Garden Science

For those times when experiments are undertaken a little too enthusiastically...

Alfred: You've ruined my lawn!
Bruce: Sorry! Just testing a new smoke bomb. *sees singe marks.* Still have a few bugs to work out.
Alfred: *throws something at Bruce's foot.*
Bruce: Ow!
Alfred: You will dance for me--and then replant the lawn!
Bruce: But Oracle told me sodium tetrasulphate was good for lawns!
Alfred:...
...
And you believed her? Haven't you seen the episode where Principal Skinner asks Aunt Patty to marry him?!
Tim: *lurking*
Alfred: Did you convince him it was a good idea, Master Timothy?
Tim: No--but Dick did.
Alfred: *facepalm.*
Cass: *laughs beneath mask*

Meanwhile:
Dick: My ears are burning...
Babs: Mine too...
Helena: *Currently locked in attic* Isn't anyone going to let me out? I've been here for a week! Alfred!!!!

Meanwhile...
Alfred: I cannot leave you children alone for a moment, can I?
Bruce: *trying to fix the lawn--accidentally destroys rose garden.*
Alfred: *gently takes secateurs from Bruce* Perhaps if I handle the grounds from now on, sir, and let you handle the superhero and billionaire playboy stuff.
Bruce: I just tried to soup it up a little...
Alfred: Soup what up, Master Bruce?
Bruce: The Binford LX3000 Mower and Re-seeder! *grunt grunt*
Tim: *gently takes the keys away from him.*
Alfred: Thank you, Master Tim. Now, why don't you go inside, Master Bruce?
Bruce: But I want to fix the lawn!
Alfred: Sir? It's 11 PM!
Bruce: So I got up early tonight!
Alfred: *Silently leads him to the manor.*
Bruce: I don't have time before patrol?
Alfred: You never have enough time to destroy the lawn and roses, Sir.
Cass: *facepalm.*

A Device: *tunnels up from the centre of the earth into the middle of the lawn*
Mole-man: At last! No one can stop the Mole-peopl... wait, this isn't the Avengers building... ah shoot...
Device: *reverses, leaving nothing but a big hole in the lawn*
Everyone: *stares*
Alfred: *twitches.*

I think we should go now...