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seandcDick Grayson: the more well-adjusted member of the Bat-clan?
Context Free Theatre presents: Pie Fight at the Hotel Wayne
On the question:
Anna1: Well, he was. He's happier, and has more fun than Bruce ever will.
Bruce: *brood...brood...broooooddd..*
Dick: *jumping around, hugging Bruce, backflips.*
Bruce: *Marathon brooding session.*
Dick: *shakes sense into him.* (this can't end well...)
Dick: *doesn't ever stop moving--backflips every 2 minutes.*
Babs: *stares, considers Ritalin--or Arkham.*
Alfred: Children will be children, Madam.
Babs: They're adults!
Alfred: They still play dress-up, Madam Barbara.
Babs: Yep, they're children.
Dick: *throws banana cream pies at both of them*
Alfred: *calmly tastes a bit* I do wish he wouldn't buy these from the shops so often. You can really taste the difference.
Babs: *flings cream away with both hands* Oh yeah. They're children. Very very naughty children!
Bruce: *smirks, since this will soon become a house of brooding again*
Tim: *watches from the shadows--flings a cream pie at Bruce.*
Bruce: *Back to brooding--messy, messy brooding...*
Alfred: *rolls his eyes, and goes to retrieve the mop.*
Tim: Geez, what've I got to do to be noticed around here?
Dick: Hey Babs, have you seen Tim around here recently?
Babs: Nope. He's been as rare as your common sense, twinkletoes...
Bruce: Robin. This might be a good time for you to be on patrol.
Tim: Hooray, recognition!
Bruce: Use that invisibility power for good for once!
Tim: Yes, Sir! *back to lurking.*
Bruce: Stop watching from the shadows! I can still see you!
*whirrrSPLAT!*
Dick: Not anymore!
Bruce: *cleans pie off of himself.*
Alfred: *ignores them all, and mops.*
Babs: *rolls away to avoid pie splatter.*
Dick: Ah! It isn't that easy, I've got plenty more pies where those came from! *twitches aside a curtain to reveal many pies*
Babs: Oh really? Are you sure you'll get to use them all?
Dick: Yes, why do you... *sees a pie moving on it's own* hey, where's that one... eep...
*realises too late that Bruce is using telekinesis on the pies to throw them all his way*
A few brief yet eventful (and messy) seconds later:
Babs: A Phoenix can be useful indeed.
Alfred: *Quietly smirks before resuming cleaning.*
Babs: Uh, Alfred? There's one pie left...and it's right behind you.
Alfred: Boy, I raised you! Don't even think of throwing that pie!
Bruce: *sends pie at Barbara instead.*
Alfred: A wise decision--I cook the food. You burn down the house in the attempt.
Bruce: I'm not that bad... see, just last night I made toast! *points at two pieces of charcoal*
Alfred: *smiles at him humouringly*
Babs: *finally gets in position to smack him upside the head. With cream*
Alfred: Thank you, Miss Barbara.
Babs: Anytime!
Bruce: I can too, cook! I can! *sees them smirking.* I only burned the house down the one time! Alfred? ALFRED!!!!
Alfred: Um, sir... you may wish to sit down.
Bruce: Why?
Babs: Well, it hasn't exactly been once...
Bruce: What?
Dick: We got J'Onn to mindwipe you each time...
Bruce: WHAT?! *snarls* How. many?
Dick: 15? *cringes.*
Bruce: 15?! How?! Why?!
Dick: You're a really *really* bad cook!
Bruce: Obviously.
Alfred: Master Bruce, why do you think I have so many delivery menus saved for when I'm not here?
Bruce: *general moodiness and grumbling*
Babs: Anyone want me to call J'onn again?
Everyone: NO!!!!!
Babs: OK. Bad idea.
Tim: It's a pity there's no other telepaths nearby who could try to mindwipe him.
Dick: *idea forming*
Bruce: Don't. Don't even think it. I've been a Phoenix longer, I'm a stronger telepath.
Dick: *thinks about the idea.*
Bruce: I said no. Listen to me. My mind is stronger. You could think you were a little pretty girl by the time I was done with you!
Dick: I won't do it!
Babs: He's already been a pretty girl, anyway. Tim, did I ever tell you about the time I had to convince my father I wasn't Batgirl?
Tim: No, do go on, sounds fascinating...
Dick: You know, li'l bro, I'm not the only one who makes a pretty girl.
Tim: Thanks bro, glad for the operational support, but I still have to hear this story...
Dick: I'll throw you in a dress if you listen!
Tim: Been there, done that, have the mental scars to prove it!
Dick: *stunned silence.* Well...welcome to the club little bro!
Tim: Thanks. Now, Babs, I want to hear this!
Babs: Oh, the normal double-life can't-tell-anyone-my-secret-identity tale. I had short-pants here dress up as Batgirl to fool my dad. Ah, he was the second most stunning girl on that rooftop.
Dick: Second? I thought I was the most stunning, what with my red hair and all...
Babs: *punches him in the arm*
Tim: *very, very amused.*
Dick: *glares.*
Tim: *Tries not to laugh.*
Bruce: You forget...I was there, too. Watching from a distance, but I was there. I heard... *evil grin.*
Dick: You didn't! Don't tell!
Bruce: He thought Babs liked him. He wanted to be prettier than her!
Babs: *snerk* Oh, you haven't changed a bit, Hound-wing! *laughs*
Dick: *brooding marathon begins.*
Bruce: *Slaps him upside the head* Stop that! That's my brooding session!
Dick: Fine, I'll go and brood up in Bludhaven. Maybe Batgirl will be a little more time-cave-sharing. I'm sure she will be after I tell her about some dressing-up adventures.
Tim: Eep.
Dick: *flies off*
Bruce: Too much?
Tim: Nope. Besides, Cass knows all about it!
Bruce: Good.
Tim: She'll just beat him up...carry him away...hey, I'm the only one who can do that! *runs*
Bruce: *facepalm.*
Alfred: *pats his shoulder* There go our boys. Useful, but at times rather dim.
Bruce: True...
Alfred: But look who I'm talking to. The man who burned down his home 15 times in a row! What was I thinking?!
Bruce: *glares*
Babs: *pats Alfred's shoulder* But aren't you proud of all your boys, Alfred?
Alfred: Oh, absolutely Miss Barbara. Even when they're not begging for sympathy.
Bruce, with the puppydog eyes: What?
Alfred: As you can see, the puppydog eyes are his secret superpower.
Babs: Really?
Alfred: Yes. How do you think he got me to go along with his Batman idea?
Babs: I assumed it was loyalty?
Alfred: Not even close to that! He turned on the sad eyes, and I had to let him do it! Use your powers for good, Sir! But no--he must fight crime!
Bruce: I'm standing right here!
Babs: We're talking about you, Bruce, not to you right now.
Bruce: *turns the puppydog eyes on her*
Babs: Argh! It's true, there's nothing that can be done to resist them!
Alfred: *pats her shoulder* I know, I know... And he taught Dick how to use his own version of it!
Babs: That fiend!
Babs: Quick, call Superman! Maybe he can fight the power!
Alfred: Madam, I shall try. *calls him.*
Clark: What is it?! Bruce is a meta?!
Alfred: Indeed. Show him, Master Bruce.
Bruce: *turns on puppy dog eyes.*
Clark: Argh! Worse...than...Kryptonite! Must...do...whatever he wants! Must... stop... talking... like... William Shatner!
Bruce: Hmmm... *grins* Oh Clark... give us a rendition of Tambourine Man!
Clark: Erk!
Babs: While he's still talking like Shatner?
Bruce: Yes!
Alfred: Oh mercy...
Clark: *flies out a window trying to resist*
*From a distance, the rendition is heard.*
Alfred: How do you turn it off, Master Bruce?
Bruce: Why are you asking me?
Alfred: Because it's your power!
Bruce: That doesn't mean there's a way to stop it. At least my version - I understand Nightwing's version can be resisted.
Babs: Woohoo! Dickie m'boy... you're mine!
Alfred: Shall I strangle Master Bruce, Mistress Barbara?
Babs: Nah! Maybe Clark will stop the song...someday.
Alfred: Indeed. One must hope and pray that it stops soon!
Bruce: *glares, before looking outside.* He's doing loops in the sky. Now, he's... he's... trying to waltz in the sky!
Babs: What?!
Bruce: You can stop now, Clark! Talk normally again! *turns on puppy dog eyes* PLEASE!!!!
Clark: OK...*flies back in the window.*
Bruce: I think...I think I pulled a muscle in my brain with the will power that took...
Clark: Oh good, you can't Phoenix-out on us now.
Bruce: Why... you're right! I'm barely sensing thoughts now...
Alfred: *gets an icepack for Bruce's brain*
Bruce: Thanks!
Clark: That probably took so much will that you won't be able to brood for a week! Mwahahahahah!!!!
Bruce: Stop that!
Alfred: Ah, the smell of blessed relief!
Babs: And the sound of evil laughter in these walls again! Ahahahahahahaa!
Alfred: Indeed, Madam! But Evil Laughter Week was last week! It is only once a month, and you are early.
Babs: Aww...
Clark: The Bat Clan is very, very odd...
Bruce: You only just figured that out?
Babs, muttering: not as if Dick was here to scare anyway...
Alfred: *offers her comfort icecream*
Babs: oh ta!
Alfred: A butler's work is never done!
Clark: Ice cream here, please!
Alfred: Your metabolism is worse than Master Wally's. If Master Bruce were not very, very rich, you would have eaten your way through his savings. Here's your ice cream, Master Clark.
Clark: Is he *trying* to give me a guilt trip?
Bruce: Probably. Alfred likes to do that with everyone.
Tim: Even me.
Clark, Bruce: ArGH!
Tim: I've been lurking behind you people for an hour.
Babs: That's impossible, you didn't even leave an hour ago!
Tim: What? *compares watch to clock* Well, I did wonder why I was watching myself, but I didn't want to interrupt me. *goes to window* Hey Nightwing! You sent me back in time, genius!!
Dick: At least you acknowledge I'm a genius, thanks squirt!
Tim: *grumble*
Tim: Am I even in the right year? Bruce is a Phoenix, right?
Bruce: Yes, Tim.
Tim: And Nightwing is, too?
Bruce: Yes, Tim.
Tim: And the Evil Laugh Week was last week?
Bruce: Yes, Tim. Care for some ice cream?
Tim: Please!
Dick: Did I hear icecream? *lands*
Alfred: Yes you did, young sir. *hands out icecreams* I really should have that window replaced by an open door.
Bruce: Yes, it would make flying and landing much easier. I look forward to seeing how it turns out!
Alfred: That, or a door with a flap at the bottom. Such as Miss Selina has for her cats.
Bruce: *glares*
Alfred: Perhaps not.
*Selina walks in, gets milk, and leaves.*
Alfred: I've been meaning to ask, Master Bruce. How many people live here now?!
Bruce: I have no idea. Hey, Clark. You want to move in?
Clark: I don't think so...
Bruce: Please? *turns on puppy dog eyes.*
Clark: Yes, I want to. Hey! I thought you had pulled a muscle in your mind!
Bruce: Phoenix powers heal a lot...although, trying to get through to you sprains my mind every single time.
Clark: ...Should I be feeling insulted?
Babs: Insulted? You should be flattered you've got so much resistance!
Bruce: Indeed. In fact, there's only one person who comes close.
Babs: Who?
Bruce: I'm talking to her.
Babs: *beams* Heee, nobody can try anything on me for long...
Dick: Ain't that the truth... *stops as the door opens again*
Selina: Sorry, forgot to get the slimline milk for myself... you're a doll for remembering, Alfred.
Alfred: All part of the service, Miss Selina. Although it would be handy if Master Bru...
Kurt, 'porting in: *bamf!* Good evening all! *grabs a large bottle of lemonade and a beer and leaves* *bamf!*
Alfred: ...ce would let me know how many people are here...
Dick: When did he get here?
Bruce: Oh, last week sometime... Rachel brought them back from the White Hot Room.
Alfred: "Them"?
Bruce: Yes, a small group of friends from her universe.
Alfred: How many people should I cook for tonight?
Bruce: No idea.
Alfred: All right then. Any frightening surprises behind the doors of this manor? Sudden portals to other worlds, demons, superheroes, supervillains, anything?
Bruce: Active imagination, Alfred.
Alfred: *Raises eyebrow.*
Bruce: You might want to steer clear of the laundry room on the second floor for a while, though. Been replaced by a gaping hole that leads to a demonic realm.
Dick: Ah no! I threw my best costume in there this morning!
Babs: Hah, no rooftop-swinging for you until we get the laundryroom back!
Bruce: *looks up as a hole forms in the ceiling, and Dick's costume is thrown out.*
Dick: *stares*
Alfred: Master Bruce--I refuse to clean other dimensions.
Bruce: Good for you. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go from room to room, list everyone in each room, and put notes on the doors that lead to holes or portals.
Bruce: Oh, and does everyone remember Zuul?
Dick: The one who possessed you for a month?
Bruce: Yeah, that's the demon. He's sleeping in the fridge. Be very quiet if you want milk. Selina knows a way around him.
Selina: *holds up big stick* If he wakes up, just use this!
Clark: Ah, such a high-tech household...
Selina: Avoid the strange visions when he wakes up, though. He's just messing with you. And trying to decide if you would make a good host.
Bruce: *from another room.* That reminds me! We have a Goa'uld asleep in the closet.
Zipacna: *sleeps in the closet with a little plushie Jaffa, sneering in his sleep*
*Alfred looks into the closet, and slowly closes the door.*
Alfred: I am trying to ascertain whether or not my life would be saner or not if I were possessed by a Goa'uld symbiote...
Clark: Who would cook? Bruce would burn down the house for the 16th time. Who would keep him sane?
Alfred: Indeed. You have a point, Sir. It is safer to be human.
Meanwhile:
Bruce, going from door to door: Ok, south wing... room one... Selina's cats, Nightcrawler. Room two... Selina, Nightcrawler. Room three... Logan, Nightcrawler. Room four...
Bruce: Nightcrawler! Stop teleporting from room to room!
Kurt: Sorry!
Bruce: It's ok. *rewrites the list.*
3 hours later...
Bruce: Here's the list.
Alfred: There must be some mistake. This is not merely a list--it is a 20 page novel!
Bruce: It's a 20 page list. Excuse me, everyone, we have more rooms than I ever thought. *Lays head down on kitchen table.*
Alfred: Why is Nightcrawler in every room?!
Bruce: Grrr....wrong version. *gets the correct list out of his pocket.*
Alfred: And the revised list is still 20 pages. No change--except Nightcrawler being in one room.
Selina: *sits down besides Bruce, lays her head on the table too and offers a smile*
Dick: Hey, what's this? Shadowcat in the same room on four floors?
Bruce: GAH!
Selina: *consoles and calms tired-out Bruce*
Babs: Hey, Dinah and Helena are here too!
Bruce: Ollie decided to move in so he could be closer to Dinah. My manor is apparently a hotel between dimensions. I need a break! Someone else redo the list--and keep an eye on Kitty and Kurt!
Babs: *starts laughing*
Bruce: *glare.*
Clark: I'll do it. Good way to find a free room.
Bruce: Thank you!
*Selina comforts Bruce, as he passes out on the kitchen table.*
Alfred: *slides a small pillow under Bruce's head*
Selina: Does he do this often?
Alfred: Some weeks I think he spends more time sleeping here than in his bed. He finds it more comfortable than his own bed. I'll never understand that.
Dick: *grabs another pillow and lays next to them.*
Selina: *stares*
Dick: Just testing the theory. Not too comfortable, though.
Clark: *walks through, and throws out The Joker.* He isn't supposed to be living here, he's supposed to be in Arkham!
*everyone watches as Clark walks back to the room to finish the list.*
Joker, outside: Ouchies! Fine, I know where laughs aren't appreciated. I'll just be going now... loud sigh!
Dick: Fine! See ya! *closes door*
Bruce: Wha? Who's there? Joker?
Selina: It's nobody, hon. Go back to sleep. Rest for the next trip through the manor.
Bruce: *passes out again.*
Dick: I wonder if The Riddler is here...
*Ra's al Ghul walks in, grabs an apple and leaves.*
Ra's: Detectives, do not worry. Talia is not within these walls.
*everyone stares as he leaves.*
Selina: That's it, I'm putting Bruce to bed before anyone else...
*Flash zips by, makes a plate of sandwiches and vanishes back upstairs*
Selina: ... comes in. C'mon Tiger... *half guides half carries Bruce up the stairs*.
*Wonder Woman runs downstairs.*
Selina: This place is a Mad...House...Mad Hatter? What are you doing in Bruce's room?
Mad Hatter: He's my new roommate?
Selina: No, he's not! Back to Arkham!
*Mad Hatter leaves.*
Selina: Come on, different room tonight, no telling what he'd left on the pillows...
Bruce, murmuring: Mints?
Selina: *pats his hand* That's right sleepy. Mints.
Selina: *mumbling* Probably evil microchips for controlling minds.
Alfred: I shall change everything within the room, Miss Selina.
Selina: You're good. I was just about to go see you.
Bruce: Want Sleep. Sleep good. Sleep now.
Selina: He's cute when he's tired!
Alfred: That's my boy.
*Everyone watches a man screaming about bees run by.*
Selina: Who's that?
Alfred: Not a clue. Probably from another dimension... (or making a guest appearance from the wayne_crane community)
Selina: Filled with bees?
Alfred: Exactly. And we also have Poison Ivy living here, it would seem. Just look
for the room with the vines. And then avoid it.
Kurt, teleporting wildly: *pant pant* Now you tell me! I barely got out of there in one piece!
Alfred: Master Kurt, do you need directions back to your own suite?
Kurt: No... no, thank you... I'll just follow the sound of Katzchen's laughing... *exits*
Selina: I had wondered who that was...
Alfred: I was beginning to think we had ghosts. Or that Poison Ivy had found Master Bruce, and was controlling him again.
*Batgirl, Tim, Commissioner Gordon, and Barbara move in.*
Alfred: This is truly a house of madness.
Babs: You are correct!
Gordon: Hey, my room is next to Scarecrow's...I don't want to constantly terrified.
Alfred: Move in with Master Bruce. Miss Selina is right next door on the left.
Selina: It's ok Commish... you can take my room - I'll make sure Bruce is all settled in for a good night's rest...
Jim: Thank you - I was slightly worried about all the buzzing noises
coming from the next room...
Alfred: It must be that dreadful Bee Man again. *sigh.*
Jim: Bee...Man?
Selina: Don't ask. But if you hear screams of "Bees! Bees!" ignore them.
Jim: OK...
Let us leave the Hotel Wayne for now, and allow them all to get a good night's sleep.
Context Free Theatre presents: Pie Fight at the Hotel Wayne
On the question:
Anna1: Well, he was. He's happier, and has more fun than Bruce ever will.
Bruce: *brood...brood...broooooddd..*
Dick: *jumping around, hugging Bruce, backflips.*
Bruce: *Marathon brooding session.*
Dick: *shakes sense into him.* (this can't end well...)
Dick: *doesn't ever stop moving--backflips every 2 minutes.*
Babs: *stares, considers Ritalin--or Arkham.*
Alfred: Children will be children, Madam.
Babs: They're adults!
Alfred: They still play dress-up, Madam Barbara.
Babs: Yep, they're children.
Dick: *throws banana cream pies at both of them*
Alfred: *calmly tastes a bit* I do wish he wouldn't buy these from the shops so often. You can really taste the difference.
Babs: *flings cream away with both hands* Oh yeah. They're children. Very very naughty children!
Bruce: *smirks, since this will soon become a house of brooding again*
Tim: *watches from the shadows--flings a cream pie at Bruce.*
Bruce: *Back to brooding--messy, messy brooding...*
Alfred: *rolls his eyes, and goes to retrieve the mop.*
Tim: Geez, what've I got to do to be noticed around here?
Dick: Hey Babs, have you seen Tim around here recently?
Babs: Nope. He's been as rare as your common sense, twinkletoes...
Bruce: Robin. This might be a good time for you to be on patrol.
Tim: Hooray, recognition!
Bruce: Use that invisibility power for good for once!
Tim: Yes, Sir! *back to lurking.*
Bruce: Stop watching from the shadows! I can still see you!
*whirrrSPLAT!*
Dick: Not anymore!
Bruce: *cleans pie off of himself.*
Alfred: *ignores them all, and mops.*
Babs: *rolls away to avoid pie splatter.*
Dick: Ah! It isn't that easy, I've got plenty more pies where those came from! *twitches aside a curtain to reveal many pies*
Babs: Oh really? Are you sure you'll get to use them all?
Dick: Yes, why do you... *sees a pie moving on it's own* hey, where's that one... eep...
*realises too late that Bruce is using telekinesis on the pies to throw them all his way*
A few brief yet eventful (and messy) seconds later:
Babs: A Phoenix can be useful indeed.
Alfred: *Quietly smirks before resuming cleaning.*
Babs: Uh, Alfred? There's one pie left...and it's right behind you.
Alfred: Boy, I raised you! Don't even think of throwing that pie!
Bruce: *sends pie at Barbara instead.*
Alfred: A wise decision--I cook the food. You burn down the house in the attempt.
Bruce: I'm not that bad... see, just last night I made toast! *points at two pieces of charcoal*
Alfred: *smiles at him humouringly*
Babs: *finally gets in position to smack him upside the head. With cream*
Alfred: Thank you, Miss Barbara.
Babs: Anytime!
Bruce: I can too, cook! I can! *sees them smirking.* I only burned the house down the one time! Alfred? ALFRED!!!!
Alfred: Um, sir... you may wish to sit down.
Bruce: Why?
Babs: Well, it hasn't exactly been once...
Bruce: What?
Dick: We got J'Onn to mindwipe you each time...
Bruce: WHAT?! *snarls* How. many?
Dick: 15? *cringes.*
Bruce: 15?! How?! Why?!
Dick: You're a really *really* bad cook!
Bruce: Obviously.
Alfred: Master Bruce, why do you think I have so many delivery menus saved for when I'm not here?
Bruce: *general moodiness and grumbling*
Babs: Anyone want me to call J'onn again?
Everyone: NO!!!!!
Babs: OK. Bad idea.
Tim: It's a pity there's no other telepaths nearby who could try to mindwipe him.
Dick: *idea forming*
Bruce: Don't. Don't even think it. I've been a Phoenix longer, I'm a stronger telepath.
Dick: *thinks about the idea.*
Bruce: I said no. Listen to me. My mind is stronger. You could think you were a little pretty girl by the time I was done with you!
Dick: I won't do it!
Babs: He's already been a pretty girl, anyway. Tim, did I ever tell you about the time I had to convince my father I wasn't Batgirl?
Tim: No, do go on, sounds fascinating...
Dick: You know, li'l bro, I'm not the only one who makes a pretty girl.
Tim: Thanks bro, glad for the operational support, but I still have to hear this story...
Dick: I'll throw you in a dress if you listen!
Tim: Been there, done that, have the mental scars to prove it!
Dick: *stunned silence.* Well...welcome to the club little bro!
Tim: Thanks. Now, Babs, I want to hear this!
Babs: Oh, the normal double-life can't-tell-anyone-my-secret-identity tale. I had short-pants here dress up as Batgirl to fool my dad. Ah, he was the second most stunning girl on that rooftop.
Dick: Second? I thought I was the most stunning, what with my red hair and all...
Babs: *punches him in the arm*
Tim: *very, very amused.*
Dick: *glares.*
Tim: *Tries not to laugh.*
Bruce: You forget...I was there, too. Watching from a distance, but I was there. I heard... *evil grin.*
Dick: You didn't! Don't tell!
Bruce: He thought Babs liked him. He wanted to be prettier than her!
Babs: *snerk* Oh, you haven't changed a bit, Hound-wing! *laughs*
Dick: *brooding marathon begins.*
Bruce: *Slaps him upside the head* Stop that! That's my brooding session!
Dick: Fine, I'll go and brood up in Bludhaven. Maybe Batgirl will be a little more time-cave-sharing. I'm sure she will be after I tell her about some dressing-up adventures.
Tim: Eep.
Dick: *flies off*
Bruce: Too much?
Tim: Nope. Besides, Cass knows all about it!
Bruce: Good.
Tim: She'll just beat him up...carry him away...hey, I'm the only one who can do that! *runs*
Bruce: *facepalm.*
Alfred: *pats his shoulder* There go our boys. Useful, but at times rather dim.
Bruce: True...
Alfred: But look who I'm talking to. The man who burned down his home 15 times in a row! What was I thinking?!
Bruce: *glares*
Babs: *pats Alfred's shoulder* But aren't you proud of all your boys, Alfred?
Alfred: Oh, absolutely Miss Barbara. Even when they're not begging for sympathy.
Bruce, with the puppydog eyes: What?
Alfred: As you can see, the puppydog eyes are his secret superpower.
Babs: Really?
Alfred: Yes. How do you think he got me to go along with his Batman idea?
Babs: I assumed it was loyalty?
Alfred: Not even close to that! He turned on the sad eyes, and I had to let him do it! Use your powers for good, Sir! But no--he must fight crime!
Bruce: I'm standing right here!
Babs: We're talking about you, Bruce, not to you right now.
Bruce: *turns the puppydog eyes on her*
Babs: Argh! It's true, there's nothing that can be done to resist them!
Alfred: *pats her shoulder* I know, I know... And he taught Dick how to use his own version of it!
Babs: That fiend!
Babs: Quick, call Superman! Maybe he can fight the power!
Alfred: Madam, I shall try. *calls him.*
Clark: What is it?! Bruce is a meta?!
Alfred: Indeed. Show him, Master Bruce.
Bruce: *turns on puppy dog eyes.*
Clark: Argh! Worse...than...Kryptonite! Must...do...whatever he wants! Must... stop... talking... like... William Shatner!
Bruce: Hmmm... *grins* Oh Clark... give us a rendition of Tambourine Man!
Clark: Erk!
Babs: While he's still talking like Shatner?
Bruce: Yes!
Alfred: Oh mercy...
Clark: *flies out a window trying to resist*
*From a distance, the rendition is heard.*
Alfred: How do you turn it off, Master Bruce?
Bruce: Why are you asking me?
Alfred: Because it's your power!
Bruce: That doesn't mean there's a way to stop it. At least my version - I understand Nightwing's version can be resisted.
Babs: Woohoo! Dickie m'boy... you're mine!
Alfred: Shall I strangle Master Bruce, Mistress Barbara?
Babs: Nah! Maybe Clark will stop the song...someday.
Alfred: Indeed. One must hope and pray that it stops soon!
Bruce: *glares, before looking outside.* He's doing loops in the sky. Now, he's... he's... trying to waltz in the sky!
Babs: What?!
Bruce: You can stop now, Clark! Talk normally again! *turns on puppy dog eyes* PLEASE!!!!
Clark: OK...*flies back in the window.*
Bruce: I think...I think I pulled a muscle in my brain with the will power that took...
Clark: Oh good, you can't Phoenix-out on us now.
Bruce: Why... you're right! I'm barely sensing thoughts now...
Alfred: *gets an icepack for Bruce's brain*
Bruce: Thanks!
Clark: That probably took so much will that you won't be able to brood for a week! Mwahahahahah!!!!
Bruce: Stop that!
Alfred: Ah, the smell of blessed relief!
Babs: And the sound of evil laughter in these walls again! Ahahahahahahaa!
Alfred: Indeed, Madam! But Evil Laughter Week was last week! It is only once a month, and you are early.
Babs: Aww...
Clark: The Bat Clan is very, very odd...
Bruce: You only just figured that out?
Babs, muttering: not as if Dick was here to scare anyway...
Alfred: *offers her comfort icecream*
Babs: oh ta!
Alfred: A butler's work is never done!
Clark: Ice cream here, please!
Alfred: Your metabolism is worse than Master Wally's. If Master Bruce were not very, very rich, you would have eaten your way through his savings. Here's your ice cream, Master Clark.
Clark: Is he *trying* to give me a guilt trip?
Bruce: Probably. Alfred likes to do that with everyone.
Tim: Even me.
Clark, Bruce: ArGH!
Tim: I've been lurking behind you people for an hour.
Babs: That's impossible, you didn't even leave an hour ago!
Tim: What? *compares watch to clock* Well, I did wonder why I was watching myself, but I didn't want to interrupt me. *goes to window* Hey Nightwing! You sent me back in time, genius!!
Dick: At least you acknowledge I'm a genius, thanks squirt!
Tim: *grumble*
Tim: Am I even in the right year? Bruce is a Phoenix, right?
Bruce: Yes, Tim.
Tim: And Nightwing is, too?
Bruce: Yes, Tim.
Tim: And the Evil Laugh Week was last week?
Bruce: Yes, Tim. Care for some ice cream?
Tim: Please!
Dick: Did I hear icecream? *lands*
Alfred: Yes you did, young sir. *hands out icecreams* I really should have that window replaced by an open door.
Bruce: Yes, it would make flying and landing much easier. I look forward to seeing how it turns out!
Alfred: That, or a door with a flap at the bottom. Such as Miss Selina has for her cats.
Bruce: *glares*
Alfred: Perhaps not.
*Selina walks in, gets milk, and leaves.*
Alfred: I've been meaning to ask, Master Bruce. How many people live here now?!
Bruce: I have no idea. Hey, Clark. You want to move in?
Clark: I don't think so...
Bruce: Please? *turns on puppy dog eyes.*
Clark: Yes, I want to. Hey! I thought you had pulled a muscle in your mind!
Bruce: Phoenix powers heal a lot...although, trying to get through to you sprains my mind every single time.
Clark: ...Should I be feeling insulted?
Babs: Insulted? You should be flattered you've got so much resistance!
Bruce: Indeed. In fact, there's only one person who comes close.
Babs: Who?
Bruce: I'm talking to her.
Babs: *beams* Heee, nobody can try anything on me for long...
Dick: Ain't that the truth... *stops as the door opens again*
Selina: Sorry, forgot to get the slimline milk for myself... you're a doll for remembering, Alfred.
Alfred: All part of the service, Miss Selina. Although it would be handy if Master Bru...
Kurt, 'porting in: *bamf!* Good evening all! *grabs a large bottle of lemonade and a beer and leaves* *bamf!*
Alfred: ...ce would let me know how many people are here...
Dick: When did he get here?
Bruce: Oh, last week sometime... Rachel brought them back from the White Hot Room.
Alfred: "Them"?
Bruce: Yes, a small group of friends from her universe.
Alfred: How many people should I cook for tonight?
Bruce: No idea.
Alfred: All right then. Any frightening surprises behind the doors of this manor? Sudden portals to other worlds, demons, superheroes, supervillains, anything?
Bruce: Active imagination, Alfred.
Alfred: *Raises eyebrow.*
Bruce: You might want to steer clear of the laundry room on the second floor for a while, though. Been replaced by a gaping hole that leads to a demonic realm.
Dick: Ah no! I threw my best costume in there this morning!
Babs: Hah, no rooftop-swinging for you until we get the laundryroom back!
Bruce: *looks up as a hole forms in the ceiling, and Dick's costume is thrown out.*
Dick: *stares*
Alfred: Master Bruce--I refuse to clean other dimensions.
Bruce: Good for you. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go from room to room, list everyone in each room, and put notes on the doors that lead to holes or portals.
Bruce: Oh, and does everyone remember Zuul?
Dick: The one who possessed you for a month?
Bruce: Yeah, that's the demon. He's sleeping in the fridge. Be very quiet if you want milk. Selina knows a way around him.
Selina: *holds up big stick* If he wakes up, just use this!
Clark: Ah, such a high-tech household...
Selina: Avoid the strange visions when he wakes up, though. He's just messing with you. And trying to decide if you would make a good host.
Bruce: *from another room.* That reminds me! We have a Goa'uld asleep in the closet.
Zipacna: *sleeps in the closet with a little plushie Jaffa, sneering in his sleep*
*Alfred looks into the closet, and slowly closes the door.*
Alfred: I am trying to ascertain whether or not my life would be saner or not if I were possessed by a Goa'uld symbiote...
Clark: Who would cook? Bruce would burn down the house for the 16th time. Who would keep him sane?
Alfred: Indeed. You have a point, Sir. It is safer to be human.
Meanwhile:
Bruce, going from door to door: Ok, south wing... room one... Selina's cats, Nightcrawler. Room two... Selina, Nightcrawler. Room three... Logan, Nightcrawler. Room four...
Bruce: Nightcrawler! Stop teleporting from room to room!
Kurt: Sorry!
Bruce: It's ok. *rewrites the list.*
3 hours later...
Bruce: Here's the list.
Alfred: There must be some mistake. This is not merely a list--it is a 20 page novel!
Bruce: It's a 20 page list. Excuse me, everyone, we have more rooms than I ever thought. *Lays head down on kitchen table.*
Alfred: Why is Nightcrawler in every room?!
Bruce: Grrr....wrong version. *gets the correct list out of his pocket.*
Alfred: And the revised list is still 20 pages. No change--except Nightcrawler being in one room.
Selina: *sits down besides Bruce, lays her head on the table too and offers a smile*
Dick: Hey, what's this? Shadowcat in the same room on four floors?
Bruce: GAH!
Selina: *consoles and calms tired-out Bruce*
Babs: Hey, Dinah and Helena are here too!
Bruce: Ollie decided to move in so he could be closer to Dinah. My manor is apparently a hotel between dimensions. I need a break! Someone else redo the list--and keep an eye on Kitty and Kurt!
Babs: *starts laughing*
Bruce: *glare.*
Clark: I'll do it. Good way to find a free room.
Bruce: Thank you!
*Selina comforts Bruce, as he passes out on the kitchen table.*
Alfred: *slides a small pillow under Bruce's head*
Selina: Does he do this often?
Alfred: Some weeks I think he spends more time sleeping here than in his bed. He finds it more comfortable than his own bed. I'll never understand that.
Dick: *grabs another pillow and lays next to them.*
Selina: *stares*
Dick: Just testing the theory. Not too comfortable, though.
Clark: *walks through, and throws out The Joker.* He isn't supposed to be living here, he's supposed to be in Arkham!
*everyone watches as Clark walks back to the room to finish the list.*
Joker, outside: Ouchies! Fine, I know where laughs aren't appreciated. I'll just be going now... loud sigh!
Dick: Fine! See ya! *closes door*
Bruce: Wha? Who's there? Joker?
Selina: It's nobody, hon. Go back to sleep. Rest for the next trip through the manor.
Bruce: *passes out again.*
Dick: I wonder if The Riddler is here...
*Ra's al Ghul walks in, grabs an apple and leaves.*
Ra's: Detectives, do not worry. Talia is not within these walls.
*everyone stares as he leaves.*
Selina: That's it, I'm putting Bruce to bed before anyone else...
*Flash zips by, makes a plate of sandwiches and vanishes back upstairs*
Selina: ... comes in. C'mon Tiger... *half guides half carries Bruce up the stairs*.
*Wonder Woman runs downstairs.*
Selina: This place is a Mad...House...Mad Hatter? What are you doing in Bruce's room?
Mad Hatter: He's my new roommate?
Selina: No, he's not! Back to Arkham!
*Mad Hatter leaves.*
Selina: Come on, different room tonight, no telling what he'd left on the pillows...
Bruce, murmuring: Mints?
Selina: *pats his hand* That's right sleepy. Mints.
Selina: *mumbling* Probably evil microchips for controlling minds.
Alfred: I shall change everything within the room, Miss Selina.
Selina: You're good. I was just about to go see you.
Bruce: Want Sleep. Sleep good. Sleep now.
Selina: He's cute when he's tired!
Alfred: That's my boy.
*Everyone watches a man screaming about bees run by.*
Selina: Who's that?
Alfred: Not a clue. Probably from another dimension... (or making a guest appearance from the wayne_crane community)
Selina: Filled with bees?
Alfred: Exactly. And we also have Poison Ivy living here, it would seem. Just look
for the room with the vines. And then avoid it.
Kurt, teleporting wildly: *pant pant* Now you tell me! I barely got out of there in one piece!
Alfred: Master Kurt, do you need directions back to your own suite?
Kurt: No... no, thank you... I'll just follow the sound of Katzchen's laughing... *exits*
Selina: I had wondered who that was...
Alfred: I was beginning to think we had ghosts. Or that Poison Ivy had found Master Bruce, and was controlling him again.
*Batgirl, Tim, Commissioner Gordon, and Barbara move in.*
Alfred: This is truly a house of madness.
Babs: You are correct!
Gordon: Hey, my room is next to Scarecrow's...I don't want to constantly terrified.
Alfred: Move in with Master Bruce. Miss Selina is right next door on the left.
Selina: It's ok Commish... you can take my room - I'll make sure Bruce is all settled in for a good night's rest...
Jim: Thank you - I was slightly worried about all the buzzing noises
coming from the next room...
Alfred: It must be that dreadful Bee Man again. *sigh.*
Jim: Bee...Man?
Selina: Don't ask. But if you hear screams of "Bees! Bees!" ignore them.
Jim: OK...
Let us leave the Hotel Wayne for now, and allow them all to get a good night's sleep.
