seandc

Before the Phoenixes landed, before anyone started shouting about bees, before there was even a name for this little series,

faith_of_borg and I started giving voice to the little stories in-between. Welcome to the first stories from the strange world of Context Free Theatre.

Context Free Archives presents: Re-Neducation!

Shamelessly merging the JLA with World Leader Flanders and a certain guest is our next ~~Treehouse of Horror~~ tale.

July 6th - Anna1: Imagine if Ned Flanders were Batman's neighbor. *shudders.*

"Oooh I see we have a negative nelly in sector two!" :lol:

Batman: Must...not...kill. It's against my code!
Ned: Indeedy my neighbor!
Batman: *stares at Alfred.* Why did we have to move to this town?!
Alfred: Stress relief. The plan has gone horribly wrong, however.
Batman: Ya think?!
Alfred: I do believe that the villains and miscreants of Gotham City are much better for your mental health.
Bruce: *jumps in the driver's seat of his limo.*
Alfred: Sir! The only car you can drive is the Batmobile! Get out--I can't deal with your frightful driving! *Gets in the passenger seat to lecture more.*
Batman: *Drives them away.* *Alfred screams in horror and holds on tight.*

Well, all Bruce would have to do is frown and all the Flanderses would
be running back to the house :lol: Rod and Todd are afraid of moths
even :lol:
Date and Time: 07/06/2005 10:45 PM
You have received a message from Anna1
Very true That, or Flanders would try to make him smile, and get
himself killed. :lol:

Leader!Flanders: "Now, nothing makes me feel better than a glass of warm milk, a little
nap, and a total frontal lobotomy!"
Alfred: It's not so bad, sir. They go in through the nose, and they let you keep the piece of brain they cut out. Hewwo... hewwo dere... who that bat-man there?
Dick and Babs: "Join us Batman..."
Selina: "It's... bliiissss..."
Bruce: "NOOOOOOOooooooo"

Followed by the police of Springfield wondering why the Flanders family was murdered--along with a lot of lobotimized people--and where Batman went. :D
Possessed!Batman: "I'm a murderer! I'm a mur-diddly-urderer!"

And then, Superman finds him and ends up deprogramming him.

Flash: Well...I think I like him better this way.
Batman: Yes, Indeedy!
Flash: *shudders* Or not. He scares me.
Wonder Woman: And me.
J'onn: Indeed. He needs to be deprogrammed. And the villain called Flanders shall be destroyed.
Batman: *grins creepily*
Superman: Well, I think we might have a combination of Flanders, Batman, and Hannibal Lecter. See the grin?
J'onn: *Zaps his mind, to remove the Flanders part of his mind.* It is done.
Superman: You left the part similar to Hannibal Lecter?!
J'onn: That was the saner portion.
Supes: But where did the Flanders bit go?
Plastic Man: I'm a big four-eyed lame-o and I wear the same stupid sweater every day.... hey, I'm kidding!
*Everyone stares in horror.*
Batman: Do that again, and you will be served with some fava beans...and a nice chianti.
Superman: Told you it was part Hannibal Lecter!
Batman: Wouldn't work anyway. Too rubbery. J'onn?
J'onn: Yes?
Batman: Please remove that portion too?
J'onn: Certainly. It would be a pleasure to remove the part that is threatening to eat everyone here.
Batman: With some alacrity, please.

I'm hungry.
Flash: Eep. Yeah, J'onn, hurry!
Wonder Woman: If nobody minds, I'll be in the recreation room...hiding.
Plastic Man: She's the strongest one here, though! *considers* I'll join you! I'm too young to be eaten!
And as they leave, just on the edge of hearing: "Mmmm... soylent green" ;)

Superman: So, it's just the three of us.
Aquaman: Ahem.
Superman: Just the four of us.
Green Lantern: Me?
Superman: Five...anyone else?!
*Everyone says no.*
Superman: J'onn, start the procedure! Before anyone else shows up--and before Batman decides I'm tasty. And figures out a way to get a Kryptonite fork...
*Alfred beams up*
Alfred: Master Bruce asked I bring up his special dinner service...
Superman: Uh oh...
Alfred: It is merely Master Bruce's favorite--steak and potatoes.
Superman: Oh, good.
Alfred: But he did make a mention of Soylent Green. As that is people, I presume an alien has tampered with his mind again.
Kang: Blast! How can that puny Earthling have figured out our plan, Kodos?

J'onn: Superman? Do you know of someone named Kang? Or Kodos?
Superman: Not really...why?
J'onn: Recurring name I find in Batman's mind. I'll simply erase Mr. Hannibal Lecter here, but leave the information for another scan.
Bruce-as-Hannibal: NOooo! I'm melting! Melting! Oh what a world what a world!
J'onn: Well, Mr. Lecter is melodramatic isn't he?
Superman: Yes. And apparently likes to quote Wizard of Oz. Thankfully, he's being erased.
J'onn: Everyone can come out of hiding now! Procedure has been a success.
Wonder Woman: *peeks out* No more Soylent Green comments? Promise?
Superman: Yes. *mumbles just to be mean* Soylent green is people--and Amazons. *gets punched by her.*
Plastic Man: Aww... twu wub...
Wonder Woman: *Tosses Plastic Man across the room out of revenge.*
Batman: *stares* Am I normal?
Superman: You'll never be normal.
Batman: *horrified shock.*
Superman: Well, the weird thoughts are gone, but you've never been normal. As you've said in the past, you're a rich kid with issues. Lots of issues.
J'onn: Well, not all the weird thoughts...
Batman: *starts fire*

Batman: Huh. I'm pyrokinetic now. Thanks a lot, J'onn. *big freakish grin.*
J'onn: *horrified look.*
Batman: Just wanted to frighten you. At least I'm not the only non-meta in the group now. I would have thought I would have been able to control darkness, though.
Superman: You're a ninja--that's not a power!
Batman: Sigh.. you're right... *walks through wall* (Anna: That's J'onn's power, though. :D) (And I was thinking a certain other ninja from another company...)

Alfred: *walks in.* Sir? Ready to go home to the Manor?
Batman: Alfred? I'm a meta!
Alfred: Yes, Sir. That's nice...come along now, Sir.
Batman: *Starts fire in front of him.*
Alfred: Very good, Sir. *walks away, not bothered in the least.*
Batman: *bounce* *bounce* Alfred! Look what I can dooooooo :D
Alfred: I believe you, Sir. You're like a child with a new toy--you'll tire of it soon.
Batman: *pouts.*
Alfred: Perhaps you should show the Commissioner? Describe that Hannibal Lecter personality incident as well. Tell me his reaction.

Batman: *appears in front of Gordon in a swirling mass of fire. Gets shot at, and melts the bullets.* Hey, it's just me!
Gordon: Batman?! What happened to you?
Batman: J'onn triggered something--I'm a meta! I probably shouldn't have open flames around him... he's trying to quit smoking...
Gordon: *stares*
Batman: *stares* I was also Hannibal Lecter for a while.
Gordon: *stares.* Busy day, huh?
Batman: Yes.
Gordon: Would have thought you could create darkness, though.
Batman: Why does everyone keep saying that?!
Gordon: So...eat anybody interesting at the JLA?
Batman: *stares* I almost ate Superman. With a Kryptonite fork.
Gordon: Ouch.
Batman: *shoots out the light with a flame* Happy now? :D
Gordon: Hey, I'm trying to quit smoking!
Batman: *gets rid of light with flames.*
Gordon: Didn't work, I can still see you. Maybe you can get rid of all fire in the area? Think that would work?
Batman: *tries. destroys a power station and causes a city wide black-out.*
Batman and Gordon: Oops.

Context Free Archives presents: Batman the Huggable

July 9th - Anna1: I wonder what would happen if Batman were possessed by J'onn's addiction? (Remember what happened with Guy Gardner and other others? :D Ice craved baby seals. Guy wanted his mommy. Maxwell Lord said "And I want Wonder Woman to--I want Wonder Woman to--OH, how I want Wonder Woman to-!"

J'onn: *sends addiction to take over Batman--once the real Batman is back.*
Batman: *taken over. The addiction is confused, since there are too many personalities.*
Batman/Addiction: We want...Venom! (the drug) No, we want...Wonder Woman! No, Catwoman! Confusion, utter confusion in this mind!

*is picturing Batman's mental landscape as being similar to Rogue's, with "echoes" of others left in there...*

*Batman bursts into the "I want it all!" song from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory*
Superman and the others: *stare in shock.*
Superman: J'onn? Just how many personalities does he have?!
J'onn: No idea. He normally scares me out of his mind, by picturing horrific images. So far, I have seen 5--maybe more.
Green Lantern: We could be here a while...
Wonder Woman: Wait til you see the little boy in all that jumble of people. Then, you'll really feel bad.
Batman/Addiction: *as kid* I want my Mommy! I want to be hugged!
Flash: Aww. But also scary.
J'onn: *amused.*
*Batman skateboards by in orange shirt and blue shorts* (whistles a certain theme)
Superman: *Stares at Batman as he's in little kid mode.*
Superman: Everyone should resist the urge to hug him.
Flash: Why?!
Superman: 1-He can kill you all when he's back to normal. And 2--J'onn's addiction will then take over someone else.
J'onn: No, it won't. I am in control of it at the present moment.
Flash: So you're doing this to him on purpose? Cool... *Runs to hug him.*
Superman: *very, very amused.*
Wonder Woman: I doubt he'd mind if *I* hugged him.
Superman: So. Not. Going. There.

Later...
Batman: OK, just who decided to hug me while I was out of my mind, and possessed? And anyone decide to count the personalities?
J'onn: *Very tired sigh.* 152.
Batman: Ok, that's how many people, I want names. Now, about the personalites?
J'onn: Basically, we beamed up everyone in the superhero community, and they all took turns. Plus, a few villains who just couldn't resisit. #1 of that list is The Joker. He also kissed your cheek.
J'onn: *Amused look.*
Superman: You're just loving this, aren't you?
J'onn: But of course.
Dick and Tim: *on intercom* *hysterical laughter.*
J'onn: He also confessed his love for you, and said all the murders were for you.
Batman: *horrified*
J'onn: I am still new at joking. That wasn't a good one?
Batman: I would kill you--except for the fact you're needed.
Oracle, trying to be heard over the others: By the way, Batman, you may want to check your cell's contact list - a few visitors left their numbers for you....
Batman: *Checks contact list--which has grown from 6--to 150.*
Oracle: By the way, a few of them confessed to having a crush on you.
Batman: *warily* Who?
Oracle: They told me not to tell.

J'onn: You wanted to know the number of personalities as well?
Batman: Yes.
J'onn: Counting you? 11.
Alfred: Sir, you are much saner than I ever suspected.
Batman: Oh, shut up!
Dick and Dinah, both leaning over Babs' chair: Oh, you're so loving this
Babs: A few more and we'll be even... mweh heh heh
Alfred: Sir, have you ever considered a psychiatrist?
Batman: Yes, and do you remember what happened last time?
Alfred: Ah, yes, how could I have forgotten? You were kidnapped, and replaced by Hugo Strange, who thought he could take over your life. And that we wouldn't notice the thick glasses, maniacal grin, or beard.
Dick: And that liked to scream "I am a model of mental health!" every few minutes. Definitely not you.
Batman: THANK you, MOST helpful
Dick: Anytime! :D
Tim: When I grow up, and become Batman, this is what I have to look forward to?!
Batman: Basically.
Tim: Do you mind if I become a villain instead?
Dinah and Babs: Oh, but you're just too adorable to be a villian!
Tim: *Glare*
Babs: Aww, so cute!
Dick: Looks like it will be me who ends up as Batman, once Bruce is dead.
Batman: Hey, I'm still here!
Gordon: Maybe you should be put in Arkham?
Batman: What are you doing here?!
Gordon: I was one of those invited, and chose to lurk in the shadows after the hug. Finally--revenge for all the times you snuck up behind me!
Babs: I'm not sure you should let him off the hook so easily, dad!
Batman: Hey, it's my trademark! *turns in the middle of the rant.* I wouldn't be Batman if I didn't blend into the shadows! *turns around.*
Gordon: *No longer there.*
Batman: Huh. So that's what that feels like.
Gordon: *from far away* Vengeance is mine, at last!
Batman: He's good.
Babs: Stop it Dad--unless you want to be the new Batman!
Gordon: Never in a million years! *Runs back, quickly hugs Batman just to be mean, and sits down.*
Batman: *glares*
Jimbo: *angel* Donut?
Batman: Maybe just once...unless you laced it with something.
Gordon: Bad idea, then. Isn't it...Bruce?
Batman: You know?
Gordon: You can't help but figure it out when in one personality you say that your Mom and Dad were shot by a mugger as you left Zorro, on a specific date! And that you were sitting in *Wayne Manor* when a bat flew through the window!
Gordon: So the logical thought is that you're either Alfred or Bruce Wayne. And you couldn't be Alfred. No offense.
Alfred: None taken, Sir.

Context Free Archives presents: Bruce Wayne, the Bat-Boy!

In a fanfic, the JLA have been turned into children:

July 11 - Anna1 quotes: "Just great…" Batman said with a sigh as the large police man started
to walk around the desk. Out of all the cops to be on duty, Harvey Bullock was the one."

He would probably think they were just trick-or-treaters, though.

Bullock: Here ya go kiddies - some nice fresh evidence from locker 632!

Batboy: Jim?
Gordon: Yeah, kid?
Batboy: Remember the time when you were kidnapped by the Joker, and then me and him started laughing at a bad joke?
Gordon: ...Batman?! What happened to you?!
Babs: Batman? Where? :D
Gordon: The kid is Batman. His age was reversed.
Babs: Again?
Batboy: Yeah.
Babs: How many times does that make this? 5? Going for a record?
Batboy: Whatever! *starts to pout.*
Gordon: It's him, all right.
Babs: Now I run the Batfamily! :D
Batboy: No, Alfred does! You have Cooties!
Gordon: And you're definitely thinking like a little kid, too. Wow.
Batboy: Whatever! ...will you hold me? I'm tired.
Gordon: *stunned* Sure. I'm holding Batman. Neat. Take a nap, Bruce.
Batboy: OK.
Babs: You know his real name is Bruce?!
Batboy: Thought you probably knew. Drive me home whenever you're ready!
Gordon: As bossy as ever...
Babs: Yep. Cute as a bug, and a bigger brat than Tim!

Alfred: Good evening, Master Bruce. Come on, I'll get you ready for bed.
Gordon: It doesn't shock you?
Alfred: I take care of a BAT cave for BAT man. I sew wounds. I keep them fed with tons of cookies. I think him being turned into a little kid--AGAIN--is all part of the routine. Now sir, let's try to get you raised with a proper English accent this time round...
Bruce: Save me, Jim!
Gordon: It would be cute to hear Batman with a British accent.
Bruce: You're no help!
Babs, onscreen: Alfred, I've downloaded all those seasons of The Bill you wanted.
Alfred: Jolly good, Miss Barbara. Come along, Master Bruce, tally ho, pip-pip!
Bruce: Can't we watch Monty Python?!
Gordon: Yeah. That would help with the killer bunnies he runs into.
Bruce: Not helping!

(Anna1: This reminds me. There is a series of stories where Bruce discovers Monty Python and locks himself in the cave for a few months. So he can watch them all.)
Cardinal Ximinez: Nobody expects the...
Everyone not Bruce: NOT YET!

Several nights later: the street:
Batman: YOU! SHUT IT!
Alfred: *warm glow of success*

Next night:
Bruce: Strewth...
Alfred, furious: OK, who gave him a copy of The Crocodile Hunter?!

Gordon: What did you do to him?! He sounds like The Crocodile Hunter!
Bruce: Isn't she a beaut?
Alfred: The experiment went horribly wrong, Sir...

Batman: Crikey, she's a beaut!
Joker: What happened to you?!
Batman: Not a clue, gov.
Joker: That's it, I quit!

Bruce: Crikey!
Alfred: NOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo!!!! *grabs time travel toaster, goes back in time to fix things*

(Ok, so accented-Batman might be scary, but worth it for the reactions - like Joker. Or Oracle:)
Babs: Can we have a new Batman now? This one's broken!
Superman: Let's see. You think he finally snapped?
Babs: No, no. He sounds like the Crocodile Hunter because of Alfred, but other than that? No.
Flash: My favorite show! *Runs to see Batman.*