seandc

Possibly some catching up is needed, so without further ado...

Context Free Vignettes presents: Batman, lad about town

This started from a story Rachel was reading, involving the JLA being affected by Poison Ivy in a certain way... Batman had a special moment, Blue Beetle caught it on tape, and there were ducklings in the room.

Bruce: *comes home smelling odd.*
Alfred: Sir? Whatever is that odor?
Bruce: I...can't say. I'm sworn to never tell another living soul!

Oracle: What's this? An anonymous e-mail from the League? *watches video.* Oooh...this is good...

Meanwhile...
Bruce: Why do I feel like hiding under the sofa?
Alfred: Fear gas?
Bruce: More like Poison Ivy bottled love potion.
Alfred: *giant step back.*
Bruce: It wore off...but not before...
Alfred: Before?
Bruce: Before I was kissed by Maxwell Lord!
Alfred: I shouldn't think anything of it, sir. He only wants you for your money.
Bruce: *glare.* Thankfully, the ducklings were unaffected.
Alfred: Ducklings?
Bruce: They think J'onn is their Mother.
Alfred: I see why you continue with the League, Sir.
Bruce: You do?
Alfred: Yes. Never a dull moment. And it's complete madness at every turn.
Bruce: Yup. Sometimes I don't know why I bother to keep a tv, since it can't compare with real life. Tim seems to like it, though. *doesn't look at Alfred-of-the-soap-addiction at all*

Bruce: We even started playing Spin The Bottle, once. Thankfully, everyone was possessed at the time.
Alfred: *raises eyebrow.*
Bruce: Yes, everyone on the team gets possessed a lot.

Later...
Oracle: Bruce? *can't keep from smiling* I...I have blackmail! Lots of blackmail!
Nightwing: And I just saw it! *falls down laughing.*
Bruce: *facepalm.*
Oracle, the picture of composure: I suppose it all fits. Bruce Wayne, lad about town.
Nightwing: Oh yes. I hear that Bruce Wayne is always going out with someone new and exciting.
Oracle: Superman, Catwoman, the head of the old JLI...
Nightwing: Where does he find the time and energy?
Oracle: How does he keep his calendar in order?
Nightwing: How does he remember not to say the wrong name at the wrong time...
Oracle: Oh, Max! And Catwoman says: What did you call me?!
Nightwing: Then, of course, the running away one second ahead of vengeful claws!
Oracle: Or eyebeams!!

Crossover Theatre presents: Batman in Space

Anna1, about the yet-to-be-seen Serenity: *Wants Mal to scream KHAN!.*

Mal: KHAAANNNN!!!!!
Kaylee: *jumps*
Mal: Sorry. Flashback.

River: Reality is what we choose...and the animals will bleed to death.
Mal: More morbid than usual.

Easier to write for her if you keep Drusilla in mind. :lol:
Well, she did resort to cannibalism rather quickly when playing with Simon...

Angelus: I want to turn you, m'dear!
Mal: Who da you think you are?!
Angelus: Isn't she Drusilla?
Mal: Um...nope. Her name's River.
Angelus: Whoops, wrong show! Sorry!
Angelus: *sticks head back in* By the way - loved you in "Giselle"!
Mal: OUT!!
River: Dancing for you, and only you, darling!
Angelus: If you say so! *leaves.*
Mal: OK...Giselle?
River: Yes?
Mal: Are you like Saffron? Killing guys and taking names?
River: Just a ghost. Haunting your dreams.
Mal: Now that's just creepy!
River: I don't take their names. They don't matter. None of this is what it seems.
Everyone: *backs away slowly.*
Kaylee: Please don't say you're part of the ship again! Please!
River: I'm part of...your dress!
Kaylee: *Runs screaming at the weirdness of it all.*
Mal: Seems to me that someone might need some doctorly assistance!
Simon: River? Stop being part of people's clothes now.
River: I'm not. I'm playing with all your minds!
Mal: That's not who I had in mind, Doctor.
Everyone: *snerk*

Batman: *Outside the ship, in a spacesuit.*
Wash: Guys? Come quick! There's a guy floating by!
Mal: The bounty hunter? Is he still following us?
Wash: No...it's a guy in a weird costume.
Batman: I'm lost! I think I'm in the wrong century!
Wash: You're lost? You didn't come prepared either - you've got no air tanks!
*dramatic closeup*
Batman: I'm Batman. I can breathe in space.
Mal: *stares* Well if that don't beat all.

Batman: Kidding. My symbiote is giving me air...a gift from my Martian boyfriend.
Mal: If that don't still beat all. *stunned look.*
Wash: Maybe he's crazier than River. No offense.
River: None taken, oh driver of the clouds...pretty colors.
Wash: Stop that, please!
Batman: Can someone please let me in? I need help.
Wash: *quietly.* This is how all those old horror films start. The mysterious stranger begs for help...always lurking...waiting..watching..
River: *staring*
Zoe: *staring*
Book: What?
Wash: Craziness is contagious. It's not my fault!
Zoe: Sure it isn't. Just like that monologue to something called Robin was just you having a bad day.
Wash: Well, it was a strange costume to take from Earth-that-was, and pass down through my family....
Batman: *gets inside and hears* Why didn't anyone help me?
Wash: Bit busy thinking of Robin heritage and all.
Batman: Robin? You're a descendant? Of Tim or Dick?
Wash: Both, probably.
Batman: *faints.*
Wash: Was it something I said?
Jayne: Delicate fellow.
Mal: Yeah. Remind me never to tell him about Grizwalds. Doubt the poor guy could take it.

Batman: *wakes up, and mumbles.* Catwoman? Let go of the whip, I'll be good...no more brooding....What? I'm still here?
Jayne: Catwoman? I'll be in my bunk.
Batman: *stares*
Book: Don't worry about him. He doesn't get out much.
Batman: So I gather...

Batman: So...you get strange travellers from another time often around here?
Book: Pretty much, son.
Batman: *watches River hide under a table.* Is she crazy?
Book: Yes.
Batman: Ah, finally someone I can relate to.
Inara: *walks in.*
Batman: I know you! You broke my mind when you got stuck in Gotham!
Inara: Uh oh...
Batman: Don't worry, I'm better now.
River: You're not! And I'm not.
Batman: Not what?
River: Not her. Not who you're thinking of. You read body language. So does she.
Batman: Cassandra? That's true.
Mal: You can understand the girl?!
Batman: There's one almost like her at home.
Jayne: Take her and her brother with you?
Inara: JAYNE!
Jayne: What? This isn't the first time I've said this kind of thing. Hasn't anyone been paying attention?
Zoe: Actually, Jayne, we try to ignore you.

Batman: *his belt wiggles--it's the symbiote*
Jayne: Somethin's on that man's belt!
Zoe: Leave him alone.
Jayne: But it moved!
Zoe: We don't need to know!
Mal: Actually, I saw something move, too. But throw Jayne out anyway.
Wash: Oh, let me! I want to prove my status as large (if semi-muscular) man in front of our new guest and adoring wife.
Zoe: Sorry babe. My turn!
Jayne: *death glares* I still say there's something not right about... that!
Mal: I so feel like someone should be recording all this now...
Batman: *smirks.* Hey, Wash?
Wash: Yes?
Batman: You're related to Tim. Especially if you like to have Zoe carry you away.
River: *stares at the belt.*
Batman: See something interesting in the zo'ok?
River: Feeding on health. Sending health. Feeding on well-being, which is not there.
Batman: You're absolutely right.
Wash: Hey now, what a man and wife do in the privacy...
Mal: Ain't nothing 'bout it that's private, Wash!
Wash: ... is so.
Mal: If'n Zoe ever took to giving Kaylee a few hints, even young Simon wouldn't be able to miss the obvious!
Bruce: Ever been carried off over your wife's shoulder?
Wash: Well... yeah...
Bruce: Definately descended from Tim Drake.

Bruce: Good to know which one, then. One of the better Robins.
Wash: And what is this zo'ok you keep mentioning? Is it evil?
Bruce: No, it's sweet. *zo'ok turns into a puppy.*
Kaylee: Aww...can we keep it?
Bruce: *zo'ok hides up his sleeve.* It doesn't know you yet.
Mal: *pokes sleeve.* When's it comin' back?
Bruce: When you stop poking. *watches it turn into a watch.*
Mal: Neat.
Wash: What if I start poking? *poke*
Kaylee: Oh! What about if I do it? *poke, poke*
Inara: Now, I'm sure Mister Wayne wouldn't want his pet to stay in hiding. Let's all try. *ruffles Bruce's hair*
Bruce: Do you want me to hide in the corner?
Inara: That would be interesting.
Bruce: You're very strange. And scary. *ignores the pokes.* Um...the zo'ok has to get mad eventually. Do you want it to turn into a lion and eat you?
Mal: What a way to go. Pilot a ship, but get eaten by a fake lion.
Wash: Or tigers!
Kaylee: Or bears!
Book: Oh my....

Book: *is tackled by Rottweiler-Ace.*
Jayne: Now that's my kinda creature!
Book: Too...heavy!
Ace: *turns into a cocker spaniel.*
Book: Too...cute!
Ace: *turns on the puppydog eyes*
Book: Too... irresistable! Just as well it's not feeding time, otherwise I'd be out a meal!
Bruce: Ace doesn't eat. His meal is emotions from his host--meaning me.
Mal: You sure it ain't evil?
Bruce: Completely.

Bruce: By the way, watch out for the giant intergalactic puppy. No relation to Ace, but it will cause you to run naked while possessed.
Inara: He's never needed to be possessed for *that* to happen.
Bruce: *glances at Mal.*
Mal: Don't ask.
Bruce: Good idea. I'm afraid to ask.
Mal: Well, good!
Bruce: Yes.
...
Mal: Sometimes it does feel good to be free, though.
Inara: A full second. A new record.

Jayne: I'll be in my bunk.
Bruce: *Stares. Ignores.*
Inara: We might seem strange at first...
Bruce: At first? Everyone--except Wash, since he's related to Robin--is weird.
Mal: We're weird?
Bruce: Yeah.
Mal: Yeah?
Bruce: Yeah!
Mal: Yeah?!
Bruce: Yeah!!
*Mal and Bruce run at eachother and bounce off eachother*
Inara: *pinches nose* Boys...
Mal/Bruce: What?

*J'onn appears.*
J'onn: There you are. The JLA couldn't find you--didn't think to check the future.
Mal: An alien?! *is knocked over by Bruce.* Stop that!
Bruce: My boyfriend. And leave him alone.
J'onn: I see you've made friends.
Bruce: And met a descendant of Tim's.
J'onn: Oh? Time to get back to normal time for you.
Mal: Yeah, because we're all weird here!
Inara: Mal... don't.
J'onn: *sigh* Relatively normal.
Mal: Go on...
J'onn: *sigh* A time not here and now that's also weird...
Book: I think you should take what you can get.
*Bruce and J'onn go back to their time.*
Mal: Well, you don't see that everyday.
Book: True. And would you want to?
Inara: I would. Just to mess with their minds. *evil grin.*
Disembodied voice: You remind me of Oracle!
River: Not here or there. Almost there, still slightly here.

Context Free Theatre presents: Talia's Effect

Anna1: I was thinking: When did Talia destroy someone's mind? She doesn't have
enough of a mind to do anything! After she calls Batman "Beloved" enough times, anyone's brain will explode :D Gee, Ray, anyone would think you didn't like Talia!

Talia: Where is my Beloved?
Superman: *Close to a stroke.*
Talia: I said: Where Is My Beloved?!
Superman: *Brain explodes.*
Talia: Slaves! Clean up this mess!

Bruce: Clark? You okay in there?
Clark: No. I mean...*silence*
Bruce: Ha! I knew you were faking it!
Clark: Just until Talia went away--how can you stand her?
Bruce: A word of advice: earplugs.
Clark: You're a genius!
Bruce: Stock up on them.

Later...
Flash: Why are there so many earplugs?
Batman: One word: Talia.
Flash: I understand completely!
GL: I don't.
J'onn: Shall we bring her onboard? I believe we shall.
*Beams her up--GL is soon on the floor shivering.*
Talia: Well! *leaves*
Batman: Kyle? You okay down there?
GL: The floor is so soft...
Batman: That's because it's melted, and formed a kind of hammock...

Batman: The sound of her voice did that, I presume. It also explains why, whenever she is around on a mountain, there is an avalanche!
J'onn: My heart goes out to you! Even though Martians don't have hearts!
Batman: Thank you.
Talia: Beloved, come back to me!
Batman: *faints.*
"Talia": *turns back to J'onn* Sorry, couldn't resist!
Batman: Hate you...
Babs: Love you J'onn! *saves latest video*
J'onn: You are welcome. But what blackmail is there?
Babs: Not everyday someone can make Batman faint!
J'onn: You are correct on that point.
Babs: Plus, I have to keep taping just in case something that seems innocent at the time is useful.
Bruce: Barbara - everything I do is innocent.
Babs: Sometimes it's so easy, I'm ashamed of myself.
Bruce: *facepalm.*
J'onn: Tape us in the Batcave, Babs!
Babs: Oooh.
Bruce: *look of horror.*
J'onn: No! Not what you think! He sings when he's alone!
Babs: *recoils from her screen* You evil, evil person! Inflicting his singing on anyone!!
Bruce: It's not that bad!
Babs: Oh no? Last time I sent anyone a tape, the White Phoenix herself came and said NO MORE!!

J'onn: Besides, your singing got us thrown out of a bar!
Bruce: But if I train my voice properly, we won't be thrown out!
J'onn: Bruce, look at me. Your singing is horrible. You can't train yourself like you did your body. There's not a sensei in the world that would accept you for your voice.
Bruce: *Starts sobbing.*
Alfred: Look at what you've done, Master J'onn! Good job, Sir.
J'onn: Sorry.
Flash: Wow. You really rub it in, Alfred.
Alfred: It's a hard task, Master Wally, but it must be done. Can I help it if I'm so good at it?
Flash: Not really. And you're the only one that can make Batman cry!
Alfred: Are you sure, Master Wallace? Is he Batman, or is he Ace right now?
J'onn: All those confused in the Watchtower! Ace was a present to Bruce--a symbiote!
Flash: That explains why his costume wriggles when he's annoyed.
Bruce: I'm Batman! And--with Ace--I can breathe in space!
GL: I knew it! Pay up, Wally!
Wally: *rasser frassen take your lousy money mutter mumble*
Green Lantern: Why thank you, I believe I will! *starts humming I'm in the money*
J'onn: *is very amused.*
Plastic Man: And don't forget--you made a bet with me, Wally.
Batman: *Taps pen.*
Plastic Man: Forget the money! AHHHHH!!!!
Batman: That's never getting old!
J'onn: You are correct. *also taps pen.*
Plastic Man: *screams even more.*
Diana: *walks in.* Why are you screaming?!
Plastic Man: Secret messages in the tapping....SECRET MESSAGES!!!!
Babs: *sets computers to trying to decode these messages*

taptaptaptap
--I am the very model of a modern major general...
taptaptaptaptap
--If I keep doing this I'll look cool
taptaptaptaptap
--Your place or mine?
taptaptaptaptap
--Mine--to plot against Plastic Man's sanity some more.
taptaptaptaptap
--Good plan. BWAHAHAHAHA

Babs: Cool. They reduced evil laughter to tapping.
Plas: *still screaming*
Everyone else: still confused, until a confession is made*
Babs: Hey guys? I can understand everything you're tapping!
Lantern: Really?
Babs: Really.
Diana: And what are they saying?
Babs: Hmmm, well, since you ask...
Bruce/J'onn: Suddenly losing their composure...
Bruce: We're just...planning the next Watchtower meeting! And when we won't be free!
J'onn: You are the worst liar, Bruce.
Bruce: *sighs.* I know.
J'onn: I mean it, Bruce. *changes* Worst. Liar. Ever! How was that, Oracle?
Babs: So going on the JLA Christmas tape! :lol:
Bruce: My boyfriend--the biggest nerd of them all!
Babs: Hey!
Bruce: Second best, my queen.
Babs: Aw, thanks.
Tim: Hey!
Bruce: *sigh*

Bruce: Best Male Geek of them all. Babs is the best of the female geeks.
J'onn: Good work on getting out of that one.
Bruce: It takes practice--my sensei taught me.
J'onn: Did he really? Remember: I'm a telepath.
Bruce: No, he didn't. Poor Batman, beset from all sides

Bruce: No, Ace, you can't attack them all. No, you can't pretend you're Venom--wrong type of symbiote.
Plastic Man: *stops screams.* He's possessed.
Bruce: You can attack him. You won't hurt him, he's plastic.
Plastic Man: He's evil! *resumes screams.*
Flash: What's new?
Batman: HEY! I know I've betrayed you all before--and attacked you--and tried to kill you--but I'm not evil!
Flash: True. You just get possessed a lot--and you're insane.
Batman: That's right--hey!
Flash: Sometimes it's so easy, I'm ashamed of myself!
Batman: *thwaps him* Sorry, that was Ace. *looks innocent.*
Flash: Liar.
Batman: Who, me? Would I do something like--this? *hits him.*
Flash: Too fast for you! Ha!

Batman: Ace? Get him--show not mercy!
Ace: *turns into a puppy, and jumps in Flash's arms.* *pitiful look*
Batman: *sighs* Should have gotten an evil symbiote.
Flash: Aw, aren't you just the cutest little thing?
Batman: *facepalm.* Traitor.
Flash: He's a cute little one. Such a cutie.
Batman: The power of the sad look from a puppy will defeat any enemy...*Gets an idea.*

On the other side of the world...
Ra's: What's this? A doberman puppy? So cute! *Reads the note.*
"A gift. From the detective. Look into its eyes, fall in love, and never send Talia after me again!"

Jay Garrick, arriving: Hey, some guy with a funny beard asked me to give this note to you, Bruce.
Bruce: *reads*
Detective, thank you very much for your thoughtful gift - so unbelievably adorable! Unfortunately I can't do as you ask - I've never sent my daughter after you, that's always been her own plan!
P.S. Please send her a puppy--we'll see which one lives. Or don't--she would let it starve. Send her a guppy.
Bruce: A fish? That wouldn't stop her stalking me!
J'onn: Talia would let the fish starve. Send The Joker after her.
Bruce: That's horrible...evil...scary...I love it!
J'onn: I was joking...but do it anyway.
Bruce: Ohhh, right or wrong, right or wrong... I should have a coin to flip... *looks around* what?
J'onn: Two-Face.
Bruce: Right! No coins, then. Ace? Turn into something similar!
Ace: *turns into a tire--half shredded.*
Bruce: That's...not similar, Ace.
J'onn: Very odd.
Ace: *tries again.*
Bruce: A silver plate? Better.
Alfred: Ah, excellent. Something to serve the sandwiches up on. *takes Ace-plate off to the kitchen*

Alfred: What is that squealing? *washes dishes.*
Bruce: Alfred! You're killing Ace! He was a silver plate!
Alfred: Is that what that black stuff floating on the water is?
Bruce: Ace! No!
Ace: *splashes everyone, playing*
Bruce: Good! He's alive! *Is covered in soapy water.*
Alfred: Alive, and ruining the kitchen.
Bruce: Ace! Good boy--or girl! Don't worry Alfred. It's not *your* kitchen!
Alfred: Master Bruce, *any* kitchen is my kitchen!
Bruce: Oh. Um. *gulp* I'll just...take Ace! And go!

J'onn: Bruce? You're needed in here!
Bruce: Thanks for the save.
J'onn: I sent Talia a puppy--really an alien creature that doesn't need food. She doesn't know that. Let's watch.
Bruce: You sound like the host of one of those reality shows.
J'onn: Um, that's the other thing I've been meaning to tell you....
Bruce: You're from Candid Camera?
J'onn: *silent for a moment.*
Bruce: Please, no...
J'onn: *silent stare.*
Bruce: You're from a show?
J'onn: No--just wanted to mess with you.
Bruce: You can do that later.
Both: *taps messages to each other.*
Plastic Man: NOOOO!!!!!!
Babs: They're saying--ew...I refuse to read that!
Everyone: Ewwwwww....
Babs: Seriously, you two... get a room!
Bruce: Heh heh heh
Babs: I'm going to wash my eyeballs now...
Superman: Should I ask?
Bruce: No. Just hope you never end up like Plastic Man.
Plastic Man: *Hiding under the table, whimpering.*
Superman: He's broken!
Bruce: Yes. Much like someone else was a few minutes ago.
Superman: I wasn't really broken... beloved.
Bruce: They've switched bodies! Grab him!
Superman: Sorry! I'm not Talia!
Bruce: Tell me something only Superman would know!
Superman: Um...you and J'onn? You like to be flown in circles on the way to the Watchtower?
Bruce: It's him.
Superman: Wow. Try to get in a subtle dig and welcome to overreation city!
Bruce: You wouldn't believe how often people's bodies get switched. For a while yesterday, I was Lex Luthor.
J'onn: I thought you acted different. You were still paranoid, but glanced around, and acted like Mr. Burns!
Bruce: You didn't read his thoughts?
J'onn: I thought you were being normal!
Bruce: Did you--and he--
J'onn: Yes! And you were different. It explains why he screamed in horror, too...
Superman: I need to see if he's ok. *flies away.*

Superman: He checked himself into an insane asylum because of you, J'onn. He screamed about scary Martian parts--what exactly did you do?
J'onn and Bruce: No comment!
Superman: *Shudders.* I don't want to know what you did.
Ace: *whimpers.*
Superman: Aww...he likes me!

J'onn: I think we broke Clark's mind.
Bruce: Definitely. Now what?
J'onn: Hide the body?
Bruce: He's not dead!
J'onn: Hide him until he fixes his mind?
Bruce: Right.
J'onn: *stuffs him in a broom closet*
Bruce: Good plan.
Clark: *Falls out of the broom closet.*
Bruce: Get him back in! Before someone sees!
Wally: Why are you shoving Superman in the closet?
Bruce: He's sleeping. J'onn? Mindwipe Wally!